Glenn Beck's Christmas Sweater Live Broadcast: A Rude Review (Updated Again):
The Rude Pundit would rather have his balls waxed by a beautician with hooks for hands than have to sit through Glenn Beck's performance of The Christmas Sweater again. While recognizing that Beck's daily ear and eye mauling on radio and TV certainly have an effect on his perception, the Rude Pundit can say that, based on everything he's seen of or read by the man, Glenn Beck is one of the most despicable human beings on the earth who does not have the power to decide life or death. A truly just God would have buried him up to his neck in dense shit and then sent a plague of flies to lay eggs in his head.

Which, come to think of it, is not unlike watching The Christmas Sweater. This is not merely a response to Glenn Beck or his "politics" (the quotation marks will be explained later); the Rude Pundit must see at least 100 plays and performance pieces a year, as well as having done his own one-person show thing (and, you know, having a PhD in this shit). But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

The idea of The Christmas Sweater, as promulgated by Beck, is that the "media giant," as his promotional video modestly calls him (he'd say it was a joke, you can be sure), is that the conservative talk show host is going to reveal "my greatest shame." Instead, what Beck did was write a novel about a young boy and said sweater. That led Beck to create and act in an elaborate one-man show, with a small orchestra, video, and the obligatory large black woman singer, one performance of which was simulcast and "rebroadcast" several times to movie theatres around the country last Christmas, which leads to this year, when Beck staged The Christmas Sweater: A Return to Redemption last night at the Skirball Center in New York before a live audience, with simulcast at movie theatres around the country (and a re-broadcast next Thursday).

Here's what Beck promised for the show: "Before a live audience, Glenn will tell you about the real life events that inspired him to write The Christmas Sweater, and he’ll share stories of the overwhelming response he received about the how tale’s message of redemption literally changed people’s lives, bringing many back from the brink of collapse and restoring family relationships. Then, Glenn will show a brand new, re-mastered and exclusive version of The Christmas Sweater taped live during his 2008 cross-country tour. Afterward, Glenn will introduce you to some of the people who were touched by the story, and through inimitable interviewing style you’ll experience their intimate journey of transformation through the simple gift of redemption."

The show itself started 15 minutes early, with Beck talking to us in that passive-aggressive, aw-shucks, fuck-you-wanna-punch-him-in-his-pudgy face voice of his, about how great his story is and how the economy sucks. Then we get a few minutes carols sung by a second-tier black choir (apparently, in Beck's world, only black people can sing Christmas songs), the first having bailed on him when someone pointed out that they'd be singing for Glenn Beck. After a brief, teary intro by the man himself, revealing that one year he had to buy Christmas gifts for his kids at CVS, and gesturing to some very uncomfortable-looking people sitting on the stage, he tells us we're gonna watch the video from last year. It should be mentioned here that this cost 20 bucks.

You can get an awesome summary of the story at Dave Holmes's place. Short version: a 12 year-old boy named Eddie lives in some ridiculous parody of an idyllic Americana town right out of the Disney garbage bin. Eddie's dad is dead, his mom works a couple of jobs, and it's Christmas time. Eddie wants a bike, Mom gives him a sweater she made, Eddie throws it in a corner, Mom is sad, they drive to Grandma and Grandpa's farm, Eddie's a dick the whole time, they leave early, they get into a head-on collision, Mom dies, Eddie ends up living with the grandparents, he meets a mysterious filthy old ranch hand named Russell who wants him to accept that shit happens, Eddie's prick grandpa shows him the bike he would have gotten if he hadn't been such a douchebag, Eddie steals the bike and runs away, he crashes in a corn field, he curses Jesus, he sees a giant storm heading his way, he's scared, creepy Russell walks out of the cornfield to get Eddie to walk into the storm, Eddie does it, he ends up in a field of flowers, it turns out Russell's God or Jesus or something, Russell-God-Jesus-or-Something tells Eddie he has to face his storms, Russell disappears into light, Eddie wakes up in bed on Christmas morning with his mom still alive and he gets a re-do of the day. There is much crying.

Beck's performance involves lots of throwing himself on the floor, rolling around, doing stereotyped voices for every character, and crying, to the point that at some point it becomes a parody of crying. That would probably be when Beck is fetal on the ground, sobbing while the fat black woman sings something. Al Pacino at his most scene-chewing, barking mad would look at Beck and say, "Too far, motherfucker, too far." Oh, and he uses a teleprompter:


The script itself (and one presumes the book) is so vilely calculating, conceived to parade every possible cliche' in front of us, that, if Beck were a smarter man, it might seem like some Andy Kaufman-esque prank that mocks the audience for believing there actually was an America in the 1970s, when this takes place, where kids rode red bikes and said, "For Pete's sake" and "Golly" and "This is the bestest Christmas ever" (that's not a joke). It's like he took every overused Christmas story element short of a Grinch, tossed it into a blender, and then threw in a bleeding Jesus doll.

The Christmas shit is fine, bland, whatever. But when the story gets into redemption mode? That's when it goes bugnuts. Beck's image of the swirling storm that represents life's challenges and the urgings of Russell are the stuff of sub-Joel Osteen hope-mongering. And it left the Rude Pundit wondering, "What's that skeevy fucker up to?" Beck's put himself into the role of motivational speaker, about how once you face the storm in your life, you can heal or some such shit. Fuck him. Read Barbara Ehrenreich's brilliant new book, Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive-Thinking Has Undermined America. It is like a wrecking ball to this entire heal yourself movement.

But, mostly, Beck is a fucking liar, a con artist, and a sociopath. After the video of his sweaty, slobbering, sobbing performance, Beck cries and tells us that his publisher made him change the ending to have Mom come back to life. How does the Rude Pundit know Beck is lying? If all that choking up and crying is real, this fucker is dangerous to himself and others. Besides, he's got a fucking tell. His pause just before each time his throat catches. It's consistent and exactly the same each time. No one cries the same way every time.

But that's not the worst of it. Put aside for a moment that the entire enterprise was a two and a half hour infomercial to make us buy his goddamn book. The lies just start to pile up. Beck told us he was going to reveal the truth behind the story. But he doesn't. He teases us with the notion that "elements" of it are true so that people watching it conflate his story with Eddie's. But that's another lie, a lie he doesn't dispel at all. He's not Eddie, his mom didn't die on Christmas, his parents got divorced - death is less messy than divorce, no? - but Beck is consciously tricking his audience into believing a story that is as much a fantasy as It's a Wonderful Life. Beck's redemption wasn't an overnight transformation in a cornfield when he was 12. It was actually years of work to overcome alcoholism to be the dry drunk, hateful maniac he is today.

And nothing is below him to ennoble his fucking lie of a story. Here's the worst part (yes, there is a worst part): The last segment of the evening was Beck showing us videos of the stories of people he says were "inspired" to face their "storms" by reading The Christmas Sweater or hearing Beck's voice. No, really, one guy was said he was heading into a drug store to get sleeping pills to off himself; then he heard Beck speaking, and it caused him to fall to the street sobbing and not kill himself (although public degradation is fine). These people are a former heroin addict (who got serious about doing drugs on 9/11), a breast cancer survivor, and the aforementioned suicidal guy. Their stories are highlighted with quotes from the book about, you know, facing storms. They were brought out to a couch to vouch for the greatness of Beck and the sweater. Each of them said they're glad they suffered, glad they were addicted to drugs, glad they had breast cancer, because of what it taught them about life. Whether or not such lessons might have happened otherwise are never part of this equation.

But the fucking con job is completed in a sloppy way. For there's one other woman. She is there to illustrate getting past loss. See, one Christmas day, she, her husband, and their 3 year-old daughter were riding to the grandparents' house when they got in a collision with another car, killing the husband and little girl. The woman went through a long recovery, but she decided to live her life to the fullest, doing things her little girl loved, like learning to ride horses, and she devotes her life to rescued dogs. It's actually quite a lovely tale. What does Beck's book have to do with it?

Fucking nothing. The accident happened in 1986, while Glenn Beck was a nobody jerk-off DJ, and Beck had nothing to do with the woman's "redemption." In other words, Beck was looking for someone who had lost someone in a car accident on Christmas Day just like Eddie in order to illustrate some fucking point in his awful story. In other words, it's a lie to prop up his other lies.

That cynicism, that utter contempt for humanity and suffering, that ability to freely exploit the awful events of others, that is what Beck does. Whether it's about God, the nation, or your pain.

Update o' Fun: If you want to read the Rude Pundit's live-Twitter musings from last night while watching Beck, go to http://twitter.com/rudepundit. Scroll down, go back, enjoy.

Update o' "Politics": The Rude Pundit was called away before he got to finish this point: The word "politics" is in quotation marks because there are no real political foundations behind Beck's beliefs. He spouts a vague, nebulous form of nationalism without grounding in any real world policy (except a complete set of lies about what the Founders wrote). It is governance-lite; or, more accurately, it is anarchy. His religious beliefs, as exemplified by the fictional story of Eddie, are devoid of actual Christian suffering and redemption. It's faith without much more work than a good therapy session. In other words, he has no beliefs at all, other than to suck your wallets dry, but he disguises that fact in words, words, words and tears, tears, tears.

Facebook Racists: Anti-Obama Imagery and Cowards on Parade:
Any idiot with a computer, a Facebook account, and internet access can set up a group or page for any damn cause or issue or animal, vegetable, or mineral. That relative freedom is one of the things that has attracted the third of a billion Facebook users who obsessively check their status updates for comments. Somewhere, anthropologists and sociologists are studying the fuck out of this phenomenon for papers and dissertations.

Often, it can be damn funny to trawl around the FB and see what's there. For instance, there's a "Fuck Jesus Christ" group that has 4500 members, which is a place for fairly interesting atheist talk. Of course, there are at least 5 pages dedicated to getting rid of the Fuck Jesus Christ page, the largest of which has 260,000 members. Free speech and the effort to ban free speech, which is itself a kind of free speech: the vicious cycle of liberty.

As you might imagine, there's a whole fuck of a lot of anti-Barack Obama Facebook groups of varying shapes and sizes. And as you might imagine, or maybe not, there's a fuck of a lot of racist images that make the groups' members and administrators giddy. You may remember the controversy from October about racist Obama images showing up on the GOP's Facebook page. The smaller FB groups that propagate racist imagery related to Obama generally fall under the radar. For instance, there's this one from The Hardcore Right-Wing News group, which has nearly 2000 members:


That isn't a lingering image from the campaign. As you can see, it was just added this week, to the delight of the commenters:


Fun observation about the group: the first three names of the administrators, who are not listed in alphabetical or any order, all start with K. You can also buy an Obama witch doctor t-shirt there. (To follow the money, the shirt is from "Wall Street Market News" as a 9/12 Project item. It's a fucking insane conservative conspiracy theory website.)

There's layers upon layers of these...well, let's just call them "fringe groups." They share images; that witch doctor t-shirt is available for sale through pro-Sarah Palin groups, pro-Glenn Beck groups, and a dozen or so other conservative groups. Another image making the rounds in the last couple of weeks is this one, with the caption "'bamas mistress" (that'd be the poster's punctuation there):


It's featured in the nearly 3000 member Don't Tread on Me group, as well as at the smaller, wordily-named "Let's Help Obama's Approval Rating Drop 20% in 3 Months" and "Remove Our Communist President from Office" groups.

As far as the Rude Pundit can tell, unlike the "Fuck Jesus Christ" group, no one is agitating to get the groups kicked out or to get the images taken down. Which is fine, actually. This is not a call for Facebook to ban anything. It's not really about Facebook at all. Facebook just makes it easier for racist pussies to share their hatred in a virtual circle jerk. Used to be, people like this would have to meet in secret and speak in code in public. Not anymore. Now it's perfectly fine to let everyone know that you're a proud, backwards ass redneck.

This is a reminder, as we on the left disagree with Obama and oppose some of his policies, of what we're actually up against, our own extremists and the absolutely bugfuck insane shit they are willing to say openly.

In Brief: Dick Cheney Hates You:
When Politico's Mike Allen and Jim Vandehei made the trip to Cheney Manor for a completely unnecessary interview, they went there with the knowledge that the former Vice-President would use his scabby, cock-headed tentacles to fuck everyone of their orifices at once. Indeed, Allen had been holding jawbreakers in his mouth for the past week to stretch out his muscles, and Vandehei had been shoving increasingly larger vegetables into his asshole in order to get his sphincter prepared. He was up to eggplants. When you are a slithering, maggot-spewing, Hades-spawned dungbeast like Cheney, you have only a couple of choices when you are visited by humans: ingest them into your viscous maw or ream them completely. Since Allen and Vandehei brought Dick Cheney a freshly-killed Iranian child as an offering and promised him no tough questions, they knew they'd survive the experience.

But Cheney was in rare form, more or less declaring that the Obama administration was trying to destroy the nation. Cheney slurped out that Obama "doesn’t believe in American exceptionalism — the idea that the United States is a special nation, that we are the greatest, freest nation mankind has ever known." Yeah, Cheney went full teabag, adding, "When I see the way he operates, I am increasingly convinced that he’s not as committed to or as wedded to that concept as most of the presidents I’ve known, Republican or Democrat." You got that? Dick Cheney, one of the most vile people ever to be allowed to walk into the White House, the man whose mere presence in this world led to the creation of the abyss we're trying to avoid finally plunging into, the motherfucker who advocated policies that actually and really reversed the course of this nation's progress in order to demonstrably profit a very few people, a deranged sadist whose death would instantly lead to more light on the earth, says that Barack Obama is against America and is tearing it down, although he never actually explains why. Maybe that's just what presumptive liberals do. More likely, Dick Cheney just hates you, all of you, all of us, for daring to think you could fuck up everything that he had put in place.

And it's not like Allen and Vandehei pressed Cheney on what Obama's goal is in enslaving the citizenry to awful things like health care and environmental rescue. But they were probably too busy getting penetrated by Cheney's plunging tentacles. When they were seen later, the two Politico-ers were said to be covered in blood, black shit, and green semen, but smiling, as if they had proudly done their jobs so very well.

(For a genuine chill, listen to Cheney's digitally-recorded voice. The robotic distortion makes it seem like he can't keep the human sound steady as he speaks.)

Live Whiskey-Blogging the President's Latest Most Importantest Speech of the Millennium:
If it's time for another special primetime appearance by a Commander-in-Chief, it's time to break out the sippin' whiskey (the shots are for press conferences). The Rude Pundit was given a bottle of Tom Handy rye, and, sweet belchin' Jesus, he can tell already that this is gonna kick his ass like a 'roid-rager at the gym arguing over who's next on the lat machine.

But we're not here to just talk rye. Oh, no, we're awaitin' the confirmation word at bad-ass West Point from the man hisself that, for the next two years, we're upping the ante on Afghanistan. Yeah, yeah, he's doin' what he said he'd do during the campaign, but just because we told him he could have anal on his birthday doesn't mean we'll like it. (All quotes pretty much guaranteed to be right in spirit and wrong in wording.)

8:00: Was C-SPAN3 playing Stevie Wonder music as we wait?

8:01: Oh, the Rude Pundit can't wait until the cadets detain Obama...whoa, are they applauding? Is that how a military coup is supposed to start?

8:03: Fuck, he's really gonna bring out the 9/11. The Rude Pundit's heart just broke a little more. And Tom Handy burns so sweetly when you take a gulp.

8:05: Will he actually say that Bush and Cheney fucked it up?

8:06: Nope. "Decisions were made" that led to war in Iraq. He shall still not be named. But, apparently, in 2011, there better be a few hundred thousand more jobs available in the United States for the returning troops and laid-off Blackwater employees.

8:07: Wait, wait, Iraq is a success?

8:08: So, yeah, he increased troops, just like he fucking said he would.

8:09: "Disrupting, dismantling, and defeating" al-Qaeda and Taliban are the goals. How soon before right-wingers note that Obama pronounces "Taliban" like he's Harry Belafonte?

8:10: Next mention of 9/11. Addresses the cadets directly. Cadets look like they wish they could watch Charlie Brown Christmas before they get deployed.

8:11: "There has never been an option before me that called for" troop increase before 2010, he says, which seems like real inside baseball. He explains the long "review" he undertook, pretty much saying that sometimes grown-ups actually have to think about decisions rather than impulsively make them like monkeys wondering which gawking zoogoer deserves shit thrown at them.

8:12: There you go: 30,000 more troops for 18 months. But, finally, he says that the war in Iraq has made people angry about the Afghanistan war and that anger now has transferred over to Afghanistan because they have nothing to distract them.

8:13: "I see first hand the terrible wages of war." No, you see the vig on the loan we're making.

8:14: Clearly states that it is about Pakistan as much or more than Afghanistan. Which ought to make us wonder: why the fuck aren't we invading Pakistan? (No, we shouldn't invade Pakistan.)

8:15: "This is not just America's war." But it sure as fuck seems that way.

8:16: Fuck him for making this sound reasonable. Fuck him for making it seem like it'll work. Fuck him for making this whiskey be sucked down faster than it ought to be.

8:17: "We must come together to end this war," he says. But, of course, "taking into account conditions on the ground" - there's the out that we've heard before. Afghans will "ultimately be responsible for their own country." But when is "ultimately"? And if "conditions on the ground" suck balls, are we gonna stay there to suck 'em?

8:18: He actually thinks that we can end corruption in the Karzai government and poppy-farming in the countryside.

8:19: Speaks to Afghan people. Pashtun goat herders in their thatch lean-to's feel their ears burning.

8:20: "We're in Afghanistan to prevent a cancer from spreading." We've heard this, we've heard this, we've heard this before; it's just that he can pronounce all the words correctly. And even if it's true, the fact that we have not held the Bush administration accountable for the Iraq war means that American believe there's no consequences for lying or incompetency. It basically comes down to "trust me." And, sorry, unless someone has to pay for breaking that trust, it's been used up.

8:22: Addresses Afghanistan as another Vietnam. More or less , his answer is "Don't fuck with me on history."

8:23: Says some say we should "go forward with troops we already have." Who is suggesting that? And, since he's being attacked on the left and right, Afghanistan may actually be an issue that unifies the country.

8:25: Agh, C-SPAN freezes. Chance for refill. Tom Handy has become a good friend in a short period of time.

8:26: Says he will address costs "openly and honestly." Says flat out that it will cost $30 billion this year.

8:27: "The nation that I'm most interested in building is our own." The lack of smirks and tics makes it easy to take him seriously.

8:28: "We can't capture or kill every violent extremist abroad." Now broadens the meaning of security to include nukes.

8:29: "We'll have to use diplomacy." And then talks about how much he's tried to reconnect - sorry, "surrender" - to the rest of the world.

8:30: Reiterates that he has banned torture and really, really wants to close Gitmo. Makes it about American moral authority.

8:31: "We have not always been thanked for these efforts..." in building global security and economy. "We have not sought world domination" although Goldman-Sachs has.

8:33: Okay, okay, we're all really fucking great, thanks. Bring it on home. (Oh, look, black cadets with glasses like Obama.)

8:34: Oh, shit, he's actually talking about how we were allegedly so unified just post-9/11. Look for Glenn Beck to sue right after eating his own face on the air.

8:35: That's good: "Right makes might."

And we're done.

Bottom line: he wants one last shot to make right what Bush fucked up. But that doesn't take into account that maybe it was never possible in the first place to get it right.

We Need to Stop Pretending That Obama Hasn't Been Consistent on Afghanistan:
Let's not kid ourselves here:

"This is a war that we have to win. I will send at least two additional combat brigades to Afghanistan...We need more troops, more helicopters, more satellites, more Predator drones in the Afghan border region." - Then-candidate Barack Obama in his last big speech about Afghanistan, July 15, 2008.

"I think I was right in terms of the need to put more troops into Afghanistan. I said that a year and a half ago. John McCain disagreed. Recently he now wants to put more troops in, and I think that's a good thing, because I think anybody who talks to folks in Afghanistan will concur that we need more support." - Obama to Brian Williams, NBC Nightly News, July 24, 2008.

"Those 30,000 troops could have also been in Afghanistan during this time, and we might have done a much better job of going after al-Qaeda and the Taliban and stabilizing the situation there than we are right now. And that is part of the calculation that has to be made when we're having this broader debate about how to keep America safe." - from the same interview.

"I will finally have a comprehensive strategy to finish the job in Afghanistan, with more troops..." - Obama at a campaign news conference in Ohio, September 9, 2008.

"We have seen Afghanistan worsen, deteriorate. We need more troops there. We need more resources there... I think we need more troops. I've been saying that for over a year now. And I think that we have to do it as quickly as possible because it's been acknowledged by the commanders on the ground the situation is getting worse, not better." - Obama at the September 26, 2009 debate with John McCain.

How many more quotes do you need on this? 'Cause there's probably a couple of hundred or so more, every single one of them with Barack Obama calling for an escalation in the number of troops in Afghanistan. Hell, it was an easy applause line.

His acceptance speech for the Democratic nomination? "When John McCain said we could just 'muddle through' in Afghanistan, I argued for more resources and more troops to finish the fight against the terrorists who actually attacked us on 9/11."

An early campaign speech from September 12, 2007? "When we end this war in Iraq, we can finally finish the fight in Afghanistan. That is why I propose stepping up our commitment there, with at least two additional combat brigades and a comprehensive program of aid and support to help Afghans help themselves."

So let's be grown-ups here as we get ready for President Obama to make his new, big Afghanistan speech and say that the man didn't lie to us. He told us for the last two years that he was gonna send more troops. In fact, about the only thing he's guilty for during this long period of contemplation and meetings is getting our hopes up that he might be changing his mind. Out here in Left Blogsylvania, we desperately read things like his delay in announcing a strategy and his trip to Dover Air Base as the signs of transformation. Nope. Turns out that he was just figuring out how much to up the number from two brigades.

Americans are also finally getting to the point of accepting that Afghanistan is not the "good war" we had hoped it was. It's just, now that there's at least some movement on Iraq withdrawal, we're paying attention, and, oh, wow, hell, there's actually people dying and we're not really sure why. For so very long, many on the left were willing to use Afghanistan as a way of demonstrating how tough they could be while condemning Iraq.

But we who supported Obama but opposed the war knew, or should have known, what we were getting by voting for him. The thing is that there were supposed to be all these mitigating factors, like a kind of bargaining session. Like we had a mental negotiation with his campaign platform: "Okay, you can escalate the number troops in Afghanistan if you close Gitmo, really end the Iraq war, get health care reform with a real public plan, and, oh, fuck, how about ending DOMA and DADT?" If Obama had held up his end of the deal, there's a good chance a great many more Americans would be supporting this escalation, as they had supported the Afghanistan war to this point. It's an issue of trust, yes, but not in the pathetically misinformed, hysterical way of the teabaggers, who never trusted him to begin with.

Sure, times have changed since the pre-economic collapse a couple of years ago, and more than ever, the wars are luxuries we can't afford. And it doesn't help that so much of what Obama himself said about Iraq seems prescient when talking about Afghanistan. In that July 15, 2008 speech, he said of Iraq, "At some point, a judgment must be made. Iraq is not going to be a perfect place, and we don’t have unlimited resources to try to make it one. We are not going to kill every al-Qaeda sympathizer, eliminate every trace of Iranian influence, or stand up a flawless democracy before we leave." Damn, that guy was smart.

But this isn't about Obama or even the Afghanistan war. It's about us. As we see Obama capitulate, hedge, or hesitate on all the liberal things he promised, it's just goddamned depressing to see him so readily follow through on the hawkish promises. And it also forces us to realize that all that protesting of the Iraq war was far, far too narrow in scope.

Tonight: Live whiskey-blogging the speech.

Note on Spending and Taxation: What's True and Why We Need Obama to Lead:
Few things are more revolting than the self-righteousness of Republicans over the federal deficit and national debt. Karl Rove, a man who should have to spend one day a week standing still so people can kick him in the nuts, recently cavilled in the Wall Street Journal (motto: "Actually, our editorial policy isn't so different since Murdoch bought our ass"), "When Mr. Obama was sworn into office the federal deficit for this year stood at $422 billion. At the end of October, it stood at $1.42 trillion."

This blame-by-association was too much of a lie for the Obama-hating Cato Institute. In a blog entry there, Daniel J. Mitchell declares, "[I]t is inaccurate and/or dishonest to blame [Obama] for Bush’s mistakes." See, we're actually still on Bush's last budget. Got that? The fiscal year 2009 started in October 2008. Barack Obama didn't sign off on that budget. In fact, even incorporating Obama's "waste" (by conservative standards) in cash-for-clunkers, the stimulus, and more, Mitchell says that "only amounted to just a tiny percentage of the FY2009 total — about $140 billion out of a $3.5 trillion budget." Or 4%.

Or, in other words, Karl Rove, as ever, can go fuck himself or fuck whatever gnarled, cloven-hoofed, demi-demon mutant dwarf that would have him.

There's finally creeping talk about the big damn elephant in the room: that we might actually, horror of horrors, have to think about raising taxes in order to get our fiscal house in order, something that was verboten during the Bush administration. Seriously, did George Stephanopoulos's hair ever ask a member of Congress or the Bush White House if we should maybe, perhaps think that, if they wanna throw a huge fuckin' war on America's tab, we oughta pay for it together? Because he did ask Lindsey Graham yesterday on This Week with George Stephanopoulos's Hair, "If we're going to fight a war, shouldn't the American people pay for it?"

And, like every good barking bitch Republican, whenever confronted with a question about spending so profligate and unnecessary that it makes it look like Eliot Spitzer got a bargain on his diamond-pussied whores, Graham blathered on, "I'd like to see an endeavor to see if we can cut current spending and find some dollars that we're spending today to pay for the war, and prioritize American spending." And, in a remark that instantly rendered him one of the most useless, out-of-touch fuckers in the Senate, he said, "Our national security future depends on getting it right in Afghanistan, and there is no better use of taxpayer dollars than to defend America, in my view." You know whose security depends on "getting it right" in Afghanistan? Afghanistan's. And then Pakistan's. And then Europe's. Ours? Not so much. Oh, at one point it did, but a Republican administration fucked that up.

Sometimes, the craven greed of many Americans is unbearable. We so fucking want something for nothing. Until it wasn't popular anymore in about, oh, what, 2005ish, people loved them some Iraq War, but the notion of asking people to pay for it? That was political death. For the most part, we acknowledge that some vague "something" needs to be done about health care costs, but the solution, that maybe we'll have to pay a little bit more in taxes and make do with 40" HDTVs instead of 45", is somehow anti-American.

For all the times that Barack Obama has spoken since he's been President, he has never done something with all that energy his campaign harnessed. We had a specific goal in 2008. And we achieved it. Now give us new specific goals. And he'd better do it fast. Because the energy is almost dissipated. It's okay for a nation's marching orders to come from it's leaders. Citizens elect their leaders based on who they want to follow or who will give them stuff. Obama was elected because he implored us to get to work for the nation. So tell us what to do. And if the people on top don't do it, then demagogues with only imaginary power take over and their lies, like the illusion of Obama's 2009 spending, become the truth.

Friday Stuff: Black Friday, Black Heart:
1. So the Rude Pundit was sent to the store yesterday around noon to buy a new turkey baster, the old one having been used the night before for unholy things that rendered it unusable for basting food. He headed over to one of the many open stores, since holidays are really only for the bourgeois, and he passed by a Best Buy lined with gates, ready for the Black Friday mobs of consumers. And there, at noon on Thanksgiving, were already several people camped out to be first into the store. They had a card table. He drove away, wondering what it would be like by midnight.



This was the line outside an outlet mall in Michigan. That's 10,000 people waiting. At 2 a.m.



Those are the spending hordes at a Target in Chicago. Notice how happy they seem. Flat screen TVs are like down comforters for the soul.



This is a shopping American shown on Britain's Sky News. This is why they hate us.

2. Isn't there a point where, when you lie about factual information in order to defame someone, you're actually liable for, you know, defamation? Ann Coulter, being presumptively a lawyer in her pre-"Lemme-scam-the-rubes-into-thinking-I-am-a-crraazzy-bitch" days, ought to be aware of such things. In her latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "a big, slow swallow of cold cow piss"), Coulter says of then Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius's response to a tornado that wiped out the town of Greensburg, KS, in May 2007, "[S]he had been partying at New Orleans' Jazzfest the day after the tornado hit." Which would really be an awful Bush-esque dereliction of duty, if it was true.

No, see, the "Sebelius partied" lie was put out by the Bush administration, speaking to columnist Bob Novak (currently starring in the hit game show in Hell titled, Whack This Pinata Made of Bob Novak's Nutsack), to cover up for the lack of National Guard equipment in Kansas. In fact, according to the Wichita Eagle newspaper, the tornado hit Friday night, when the Sebelius family was, indeed, in New Orleans, as they are every year for Jazz Fest, and she was back home by Saturday afternoon without having heard a single note.

So Coulter repeated a lie that had been shot down two years ago. To what purpose? To attack Sebelius for something she did as Secretary of HHS? You see, you might do that and then you'd be making a little sense but you wouldn't be Ann Coulter. She was making some point that Keith Olbermann was wrong about something. To do so by demonstrably, factually lying would seem to undermine, well, the entire goddamned thing. But, then again, facts are to Ann Coulter as mop water is to wicked witches.

Thanksgiving Prayer from the Conquered:
From Black Elk Speaks:

Grandfather, Great Spirit, you have been always, and before you no one has been. There is no other one to pray to but you. You yourself, everything that you see, everything has been made by you. The star nations all over the universe you have finished. The four quarters of the earth you have finished. The day, and in that day, everything you have finished. Grandfather, Great Spirit, lean close to the earth that you may hear the voice I send. You towards where the sun goes down, behold me; Thunder Beings, behold me! You where the White Giant lives in power, behold me! You where the sun shines continually, whence come the day-break star and the day, behold me! You where the summer lives, behold me! You in the depths of the heavens, an eagle of power, behold! And you, Mother Earth, the only Mother, you who have shown mercy to your children!

Hear me, four quarters of the world–a relative I am! Give me the strength to walk the soft earth, a relative to all that is! Give me the eyes to see and the strength to understand, that I may be like you. With your power only can I face the winds.

Great Spirit, Great Spirit, my Grandfather, all over the earth the faces of living things are all alike. With tenderness have these come up out of the ground. Look upon these faces of children without number and with children in their arms, that they may face the winds and walk the good road to the day of quiet.

This is my prayer; hear me! The voice I have sent is weak, yet with earnestness I have sent it. Hear me!

It is finished. Hetchetu aloh!

Now, my friend, let us smoke together so that there may be only good between us.

Family Research Council Is Thankful for Lack of Fact-Checkers:
In case you were there sittin' around with yer families, all around that mighty Thanksgiving table tomorrow, starin' at each other across the steroid-enhanced gigantor turkey, the mashed potatoes larded with hormone-filled cream and butter, high fructose corn syrup-based pies, the whole pesticide-coated cornucopia, and you were wonderin' to high holy heaven just what the hell you can beg Godjeezus fer in yer grace-sayin', then the Family Research Council's Super-Duper Prayer Team has answered your...um...prayers.

The Rude Pundit joined the Super-Duper Prayer Team several years ago under a nom de rude (so he can be a spy in the house o' love), and every week he receives his dirty prayerchez orders, telling him what to implore the invisible sky wizard to do to others and/or for us. This week, it's a special Thanksgiving version, which did you know is all about socialism?

Aw, sure. "In their struggle to survive in the New World, our Pilgrim Fathers learned that socialism does not work! A two-year long experiment in 1621-1622 taught them that when government redistributes income, scarcity, dependence and even death result...For their first two years at Plymouth, the Pilgrims embraced a well-intended scheme: the fruit of each man's labor went into a common storehouse; each then took from the storehouse as his family had need," says the FRC (motto: "Your one-stop history filter"). "Laziness and thievery resulted when capable men refused to labor but demanded to be fed." Then, one might imagine, they got drunk and had a giant gay orgy since apparently no women were around. It's why the sexual position known as "pilgrim buggery" involves buckles and...oh, wait. No?

Hells, no. According to the FRC, then good and wise Governor Billy Bradford changed shit around, "requiring each family to raise its own food." And they lived happily ever after because from 1623 on because of "the hard lessons about socialism and the benefits of free enterprise learned by those who inspired Thanksgiving Day."

And that'd be awesome if it was true. However, that version of the pilgrim story "misrepresents the purpose of the Pilgrims and the results of their heroic strivings. It derives from a superficial appraisal of a statement by Governor William Bradford and a partial reading of the copious records left by the literate Pilgrims." That quote is not from some wild and woolly liberal blog spouting socialist propaganda. It's actually from a 1976 publication by the John fuckin' Birch Society (hence the "heroism" of Indian slaying). And if those paranoid motherfuckers decide something ain't socialist, it ain't fuckin' socialist. Even rabid right-wingers know the real story is so much more complex that there's no way to reduce to a grunting "socialism bad, capitalism good" simian dichotomy.

(Of course, the notion that it was only stupid, selfish white people who couldn't live communally in the "New World" doesn't come into play here.)

But, still, this is supposed to be about the mighty, mighty praytones of Thanksgiving, and here's the kick-Karl-Marx-in-the-taint prayer: "May families across America, especially Christians, reflect this Thanksgiving upon these great lessons of socialism vs. liberty," and further, "May we unite in prayer against every new government program built upon an ideology in which government exercises far too much power." Mmm, that makes stuffing taste so much more stuffinger.

The SDPT is always given bible verses to demonstrate that the prayers have some stamp of approval. They are almost always confounding. Like this one that's supposed to somehow relate to the pilgrim story, from Isaiah 61:1: "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners."

Seriously, FRC, does anyone actually read the bible there? Because not only is that a verse that asks for mercy for prisoners, but five short verses later, Isaiah 61:6-7, it actually supports socialism: "You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast. Instead of their shame, my people will receive a double portion." The King James version is a hell of a lot more explicit, something that's easily interpretable as a call for revolution against the rich. Share that dinner.

Republicans Decide to Engorge the Whole Reagan:
Upon the moment he gave up the ghost in 2004, a cabal of conservatives had a mold taken of Ronald Reagan's face. The mold itself has a sacred place of honor at RNC headquarters, and every time Republicans are newly elected to Congress, another death mask is made and sent to fresh Senators or Representatives to hang in their offices, horribly white and wrinkled, mouth agape (because they couldn't get the jaw to shut), and with drilled eye holes to stare at them as a reminder of why they even exist anymore. Some Democrats even request a special one, just to show where their alliances really are. (Funny story: George W. Bush tried to get a mold made of his head, too, but no one could convince him that he had to be dead first. The effort to do it without smothering him led to brief hospitalization and the "pretzel-choking" cover story.)

Less known is another mold made by an even smaller cabal of what used to be called "ultra-conservatives." Waiting until rigor mortis had stiffened it into a fine, final erection, a mold was made of Reagan's cock and balls, to be held in a secret location until these former extremists should become mainstream Republicans. No one actually thought it would ever happen, so it seemed more a ceremonial effort.

However, production has now finally started on a hard silicon, flesh-colored Reagan dildo to be sent to every Republican. The demand is that, in order to re-demonstrate their dedication to all things Gipper, Republicans in Congress must send a photo of themselves pleasuring Reagan's dick to the RNC. It's no longer enough to have dead Reagan gazing down at them constantly. Now, a good GOP member must use Ronnie's member in order to maintain conservative street cred, according to a tiny group of newly-empowered right wingers.

They've sent out a short list of "Places of Insertion" where Republicans can use the dildo, just in case they need reminders. They include, as one might imagine, "the Teabag," "the Bachmann (for women only)," the "Lindsey," and a special oral one officially called "Creme DeMint," but also nicknamed "the Lieberman," which requires a deep-throating with ball-cupping. The photos will be sent to Karl Rove for safekeeping.

For so very long, Republicans have dedicated themselves to Reagan above America, as if the latter doesn't exist without the former, that they may as well declare themselves pure in their worship.

The Rude Pundit on Today's Stephanie Miller Show:
The Rude Pundit promised to welcome Stephanie Miller to New York City with a shower of rose petals. She said it would be like the film American Beauty, and then producer Chris Lavoie crapped on the sexual buzz by reminding everyone that Kevin Spacey ends up dead at the end. Oh, and there was talk about what's-her-name and health care reform.

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And for those who wonder, "How can I carry the Rude Pundit close to my heart and/or groin all day?" there's the Rude Pundit's podcast, ready for your fresh subscriptioning.

Columnist Star Parker Says George Washington Would Hate Gay Marriage:
So, like, the Rude Pundit doesn't know who the fuck Star Parker is, nor does he care, and neither should you. But, without knowing a single thing about her or even bothering to research a single fact about her life or other beliefs, he feels sure that he can safely have a visceral hatred of her and everyone who buys Parker's steaming, leaky, poisonous pool of slaughterhouse hog shit that is her most recent "column," posted for your retching pleasure at the online open sewage ditch known as Townhall.com.

The basic premise of it is that she really fucking hates gay people, who are just fucking up Washington, DC with their gay fucking. After giving us the stats on the rate of HIV/AIDS infections in DC, she actually writes, "Amidst this dismal picture, the DC City Council, perhaps on the theory that serving up another glass of wine is the way to help a drunk, is scheduled to vote on December 1 to legalize same sex marriage in America's capital city." You got that? A vote to legalize gay marriage is a vote to give people AIDS. One could argue that same sex marriage, with its emphasis on, you know, monogamy, might actually help to reduce the HIV infection rate, but then you'd be thinking with logic and facts, which are the domain of the smug, amoral elitists who run the nation.

Parker quotes George Washington on religion and morality, which she claims supports her thesis that fags and dykes are awful people, then she cites a Brookings Institute study on marriage, and then tops it with a piquant sauce of the Catholic archdiocese of DC threatening to take its Jesus and go home if the law passes, the poor and sick be damned, just like Jesus would do. Her garnish is this line: "It should concern every American as we watch our nation's capital city transform officially into Sodom." Don't look back, Star.

So, in other words, she thinks that George Washington would want public policy to be based on religious belief. That's some fine understanding of history there.

This is what we're up against in the ongoing battle over gay marriage. That someone can confidently state this kind of opinion and not be treated as a pariah or a madwoman is about right for this degraded state we're in. Yeah, we're on Gomorrah road, motherfuckers, but not because gay people want to get married. Hate crimes against gays went up 11 percent last year. One imagines that the "morality" of Star Parker is one of the reasons for that.

Photos That Make Some Kind of Awful Sense (Palin Version):


That's a worker at the Meijer supermarket in Fort Wayne, Indiana, stacking books on a table near the shampoo aisle. Meijer is kind of WalMart, Jr., for those unfamiliar. The book is Sarah Palin's Going Rogue. You may have heard something about it this week. The worker was prepping for a book signing by Palin herself yesterday. Don't be an elitist: you should be able to meet Sarah Palin and pick up some Alpo and condoms in one store. "'Her values are my values,' said Palin fan Debbie Coning. 'I just really want to thank her for all she's done and what she can do for our country.'" Yes, dear Debbie, for all that she's done. Coning was there at 5 p.m. on Wednesday for the noon Thursday signing.


Those people are seated in the household goods aisle, patiently waiting for Palin. Meijer allowed people to start lining up at 11 p.m. Wednesday so they could sleep in the store. "Meijer officials say the line runs from the Christmas tree section to the outdoor items. Overflow crowds are in the patio area."

And if there's any grace note to end this idiotic week in America, where the desires to put criminals on trial and to give people health care were treated like efforts to nuke babies at Disney World, it's this: They were expecting at least 2000 people for Palin in Fort Wayne. Only 1300 showed up.

Quotes That Make the Rude Pundit Want to Huff Hair Dye and Beard Gel (Refreshingly Free of What's-Her-Name):
1. How about a palate cleansing plate of absurdity? In one of the greatest moments of 24-hour news networks forced banter, Situation Room host Wolf "Behold the Glow of My Resplendent Face Muff" Blitzer and Betty Nguyen held forth on the U.S. Postal Service. Get a friend and read this aloud with as many awkward pauses and confused "can-we-end-this-fucking-segment" smiles as you can manage:
NGUYEN: [M]ail just five days a week? I don't know. Wolf, what do you think?

BLITZER: You know what? I guess Saturday and Sunday -- we don't get on Sunday already.

NGUYEN: Yes.

BLITZER: I could live without the mail on Saturday, if it's going to save $3.8...

NGUYEN: Yes, if it will save some money, right?

BLITZER: If it will save $3.8 billion, that might be worth it.

NGUYEN: I don't know if it will do all that.

(LAUGHTER)

BLITZER: I don't think it will.

NGUYEN: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

BLITZER: I was at the post office, bought some first-class -- you know how much a first-class stamp costs, Betty?

NGUYEN: How much is it now, 43, 45 cents?

BLITZER: Forty-four.

NGUYEN: Forty-four cents.

BLITZER: Yes, always...

NGUYEN: It seems like it goes up every year.

BLITZER: Bought a little roll of 100.

(LAUGHTER)

BLITZER: They're -- they're all self-adhesive now.

NGUYEN: Oh, that's lovely.

BLITZER: That's very good.

(LAUGHTER)

Somewhere, Walter Cronkite, already dead, killed himself.

2. From Ann Coulter's latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "the wracking, phlegm-spewing death cough of a self-mutilating she-beast quickly fading into an acid bath of obscurity and irrelevance"), a look at the qualities of diversity in a nation, re: the shooting at Fort Hood and the upcoming terrorist trials in New York City:

"Never in recorded history has diversity been anything but a problem. Look at Ireland with its Protestant and Catholic populations, Canada with its French and English populations, Israel with its Jewish and Palestinian populations." Yes, whoever forced all those Protestants and Catholics to live together on an island? Wherever did they come from? Oh, fuck, sure, one could waste about a week explaining the thousand things wrong with that paragraph. Or, to put it simply, Ann Coulter has never actually had the word "diversity" defined for her.

She continues, after a few more irrelevant examples, "'Diversity' is a difficulty to be overcome, not an advantage to be sought. True, America does a better job than most at accommodating a diverse population. We also do a better job at curing cancer and containing pollution. But no one goes around mindlessly exclaiming: 'Cancer is a strength!' 'Pollution is our greatest asset!'" She is mocking the notion that "Diversity is a strength," or, to put it another way, "Kill the Muslims."

And then the whole fucking column explodes into a mushroom cloud of bugfuck insanity the likes of which haven't been seen since William Safire kept writing love poems to an invisible marmoset in his later New York Times columns: "Next time you're at a cocktail party, just start saying, 'Chocolate pudding is dramatic irony' from time to time. Eventually other people will start saying it, without anyone bothering to consider whether it makes sense." You get the point? It's a nonsense phrase, like "diversity is a strength."

You don't? No, of course not. Because what you are actually witnessing is the pathetic last heaves of outrage-mongering by Ann Coulter, who is stumbling around like a coke-snorting heiress who's shoved her inheritance up her nose and is begging to still be let past the velvet rope into the club she helped build. She'll be blowing Glenn Beck for appearances any day now.

Fact-Checking Sarah Palin Is a Waste of Everyone's Time, But Fuck It:
Sigh. This is getting repetitive, isn't it? Yeah, it's still fun, but, Christ, there's only so many times you can do it. But let's see if we can get it up for one more sore, exhausted fuck before we have to go back to doing real work.

Here's Sarah Palin on Rush Limbaugh's House of Donuts (Glazed and Ass) yesterday: "Let's go back to what Reagan did in the early eighties and stay committed to those commonsense free market principles that worked. He faced a tougher recession than what we're facing today. He cut those taxes, ramped up industry, and we pulled out of that recession. We need to revisit that."

Beyond the fact that this recession is worse than what Reagan faced in the early 1980s, he raised taxes multiple times. Fuck, when he was governor of California and facing the first deficit in that's state history, "Reagan ended up approving a $1-billion tax increase on a $6-billion annual budget, which was, proportionately, the biggest tax increase in state history."

And while Reagan did slash the fuck out of taxes on the wealthy, thus ensuring our path to economic doom, he also raised taxes multiple times. In 1982, he rolled back some of the tax cuts passed in 1981, which, in today's political rhetoric, would be "Holy fuck, Ronald Reagan is gutting your incomes like a shank-carrying white supremacist in a prison race riot." That would have been the Tax Equity and Fiscal Responsibility Act. Notice that. "Fiscal responsibility" meant for the right wing's great god Gipper that one might have to raise taxes. It was "the largest peacetime tax increase in American history," as Reagan and Bush the Smarter adviser Bruce Bartlett put it.

Reagan raised payroll taxes for Social Security and Medicare in 1983. Says Bartlett in a 2003 article for the National Review, "This is a tax increase that lives with us still, since it initiated automatic increases in the taxable wage base. As a consequence, those with moderately high earnings see their payroll taxes rise every single year." Yeah, Reagan raised taxes just about every year he was president, with the 1984 Deficit Reduction Act (again, notice that title), and more in 1985, 1986, and 1987. Of course, most of these tax increases affected the middle class since the wealthy had had their taxes sliced to bits in 1981 while the trickle down from that act never happened.

By the way, he signed a gas tax hike in 1983. It was something Reagan wanted in order to, you know, pay for stupid shit like roads and bridges. For some reason, it seemed reasonably conservative then to say that people who use the fucking roads ought to pay for their upkeep, which would created tens of thousands of jobs. So he more than doubled the federal gas tax.

Of course, Reagan also dropped coin like a drunken sailor at a Shanghai whorehouse that takes credit cards, sending the deficit into the stratosphere with defense spending. So at least by raising taxes, he didn't completely wreck the economic train, but he sure as fuck built the track and pulled switch. It would take George W. Bush's Palin-esque understanding of economics to send us careening off the bridge.

Other crap dropped out of Palin's mouth in her talk with Limbaugh, who took each one of those mouthturds and saved them to mold and then kiln dry to create a perfectly-shaped shit dildo to fuck his ass with later. Said Palin about the GOP, "You know another key to this, too, is to not hesitate duking it out within the party. This is what I appreciate about the Republican Party. We have contested, aggressive, competitive primaries. We're not like this herd mentality like a bunch of sheep -- with the fighting instincts of sheep, as Horowitz would say -- like some in the Democrat Party."

Putting aside her quoting David Horowitz, did Palin even realize that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton ran against each other for an endless, divisive battle while McCain pretty much just cruised to the inevitability of his nomination?

And on climate change, "I think there's a lot of snake oil science involved in that and somebody's making a whole lot of money off people's fears that the world is... It's kind of tough to figure out with the shady science right now, what are we supposed to be doing right now with our climate." Goddamn all those shady scientists making the megabucks off the solar panel industry while the poor oil executives just sit there, wondering when their pay off will come, wondering if anyone will listen to them.

Yesterday, in a bookstore here in a very red town in the middle of Tennessee, the Rude Pundit stood aghast by a table stacked with Palin's book. It reads like a passive-aggressive Rick Warren tome, where the message is that you can self-actualize through Jesus if all those fuckers holding you back get out of the way. Two or three people grabbed copies and headed towards the cash register. People are lined up for hours to meet her in Michigan today. In the end, the facts of the the book don't matter. All that matters is that idiot America has its queen.

Tomorrow: for fuck's sake, something else.

What's with the New Backlash Against Women? (Part 2: Palinophilia on the Right):
Here’s a bit from Sarah Palin’s new book, Going Rogue: "I moved to go speak with him [a reporter from Anchorage], but a campaign handler grabbed my elbow and said, 'No, no, no ... this way.' A few minutes later on my way out of the building I saw the same reporter and photographer back behind a rope line.

"He yelled out 'Alaska!' But as I tried to holler back, different pairs of hands hustled me into the campaign's Suburban. It was not a respectful thing to do. I had turned my back on our own local press. Right then and there, I knew it wasn't going to be good."

Now imagine Hillary Clinton in that situation. Do you think for a second that she would have allowed herself to be forced away if she had wanted to answer a question? Feminism is about agency - that is, the ability to act on one's own. In that moment, as in so many others, Palin didn't assert her agency. Now she claims she finally is. It's a bullshit conversion to a depoliticized feminism, and she reflects, about as clearly as anyone, the kind of feminism-lite that passes for liberation. It's reaping the benefits of the feminist movement without giving a shit about the actual goals of the movement.

Palin likes to insinuate comparisons to Clinton regularly. She empathizes and treats Clinton like a victim of the evil Obama machine, which is pretty much the polar opposite of how Clinton would want to be perceived. It’s much the same way she sees herself as a victim of those gosh-darn mollusksuckers on the the McCain team, like Fatty McShouter, Steve Schmidt.

Of course, the absurd reality is that Hillary Clinton has worked her ass off endlessly for her country; agree or disagree with her or her goals, she has sure as fuck had a lot more on her mind than how funny it would be to make reporters walk in muck (as Palin delightfully recounts). Sarah Palin wouldn't know a policy debate if it tweaked her tits and called itself Jesus. She invokes Clinton in order to try to make some of Clinton's accomplished glow rub off on her through a confusing conflation. It's sort of like when people try to say that Michael Moore is the liberal Ann Coulter. It discredits Moore while legitimizing Coulter.

And her elevation to the status of someone any women should look up to and admire for anything is pure cynical anti-feminism. The very things that Palin is celebrated for by conservative bags of fuck are what feminists have been condemned for: being outspoken, combining work and family lives (although, you know, Palin decided she couldn't have it all), standing up to even the men who have supported her. But she is a sex traitor. She uses her femininity to support policies that enslave other women. And she derides the accomplishments that allowed her to become governor in the first fucking place.

She is worse than a joke. She is a disgrace. If she is the end result of the work of Gloria Steinem and Bella Abzug and Betty Friedan and so many other women, who were attacked with the language of violence and rape by politicians and the mainstream media (not from some asshole bloggers) that makes Palin's little buffeting about gentle, then that work needs to kick back into high gear. And now she's out there as if she's standing up for women's rights to...speak, one supposes, as long as the lines are the in a general framework of what the right wants her to say.

There’s this fantasy that the right has that Palin shouldn’t be underestimated, like, they claim, Ronald Reagan was. What people like Newt Gingrich and Bill Kristol (who, one should always be reminded, even on a daily basis, was Alan Keyes’s campaign manager) are doing is falling into an insider’s trap. The only people who didn’t think Reagan was a viable candidate were the inside-the-beltway circle jerkers who pooh-poohed the upstart outsider. It’s what they did with Bill Clinton, too. But the people in the rest of the nation had different ideas. Reagan and Clinton both had been elected and re-elected to governorships. And polls indicated that they were popular beyond the scribblings of David Broder. Not so with Palin. The vast majority of the nation thinks she's an incompetent twit.

Besides, she ain’t running for jackshit. Once she resigned as Alaska’s governor and told the state’s citizens who elected her to suck her clit, any political career was over. She knew it. She probably had an agent who told her that she was super-hot right now and if she slogged away for a couple of years more in Alaska, her brand would get stale. Strike while the iron’s hot, bitches. Make that money, ex-Governor; there's a lot of blood and sweat spent in this nation's history so you could. Not that you'll care as you stand on their bones.

It's a goddamned insult to women, to the American political system, to the media that we're still even talking about her.

Rudy Giuliani and Republicans Are Goddamned Cowards:
One of the things we often cringe to admit is that the worst stereotypes exist. The loca chica, the gangsta, the asshole Wall Street exec, they all are real. Gay male stereotypes, too. In New York City, you will find every kind of limp-wristed, mincing, lisping queer guy that would give Fred Phelps nightmares (or, more likely, dreams come true). Skinny jeans-wearing twinks, chorus boys who shriek for episodes of Glee, fashion diva queens, and more, all gay in that cartoon way gay haters portray gay men. And nearly every single one of those proudly cocksucking twinks, boys, and queens is more macho than Rudy Giuliani or just about any Republican.

Because you can put money on the fact that the Republicans are bigger pussies about the trials of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and others in New York City than just about any of the good gay guys listed up there. What the fuck happened to the right? The party of Ike and Teddy Roosevelt? What a bunch of Marys they've become in the wake of Eric Holder's announcement that Mohammed would be tried in a federal court in Manhattan. Not only that, but if our justice system sucks so hard, then we should probably do something about that.

Snarled Giuliani on This Week with George Stephanopoulos's Hair regarding the previous successful prosecutions of terrorists in New York, which Giuliani had himself praised, "[W]e also demonstrated that our federal system has an enormously protracted process that's going to go on forever. That it grants more benefits than a military tribunal will grant. There's always the possibility of acquittal, change of venue. And the reality is, George, it also creates an extra risk that isn't necessary. It creates an extra risk for New York."

Mohammed ain't Magneto, nemesis of the X-men. He's not going to use his mutant Islamic powers to melt the chains and blow up the heads of the dozens of snipers around him, all while ululating some sinister shout that'll bring back the dead of the Crusades to liberate him. In other words, this ain't a movie. He's beaten man who'll be spouting crazy blather in hand and ankle cuffs while shitting his diaper who wouldn't even be coming to trial if his case wasn't a done deal, who will be sentenced to death. And if anything happens that could lead to acquittal, he will be taken right back into indefinite detention. In other words, we're not doing this for Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. He'd over. We're doing it for us.

And then there's the one big aspect that so many on the right are just flat-out fucking wrong about. Here's Giuliani, whose creepy-ass grimace and passive aggressive sneers are just played out, this time on Fox "news" after Chris Wallace asked him about bringing the Gitmo torture victims to New York City: "We generally don't bring people back to the scene of the crime for justice."

No, actually, that is what we do. It's what the Constitution says in the Sixth Amendment: "In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law..." Even if a change of venue is granted, it is usually in an area in reasonable proximity to the scene of the crime. Now, the Rude Pundit may not have a fancy law degree like America's (Most Craven Manwhore Desperate to Cash in on Being) Mayor, but that amendment seems pretty fucking clear.

Giuliani kept making the bizarre assertion that the trials and convictions for the 1993 World Trade Center bombings, which, again, he once said demonstrated how strong America is, were wrong because we didn't predict 9/11 happening (although how another kind of trial would have prevented it is a connection he doesn't make). And he kept saying that Mohammed wants a trial in New York and "I didn't know we were in the business of granting favors to terrorists." Which is like saying that if he asked for water, you'd have to be a total asshole to give it to him. Finally, Giuliani fell back on military tribunals, which are being used for other Gitmo prisoners who attacked the USS Cole. The tribunal system could still be found unconstitutional by the Supreme Court. But, if that happens, then Giuliani would have something else to gnash his painful-looking teeth at.

Still, no one out-wrongs or out-pussies Bill Kristol, and The Weekly Standard editor, who, one should always be reminded, was Alan Keyes's presidential campaign manager, didn't disappoint. Also on Fox, he repeated what is becoming a mantra of the right on Mohammed: "There are huge problems with this. These guys were not given their Miranda warnings...[W]here was Khalid Sheikh Mohammed arrested? In Pakistan in a pre-dawn raid. He wasn't read his rights."

Oh, calm down, Nancy. Mohammed was captured in Pakistan. The most stomach-churningly charitable reading of his torture and treatment for years at Gitmo is that he was like a detained suspect in a crime who is questioned before being formally arrested. That's the whole "enemy combatant" status thing. You can pretty much bet that he'll be Mirandized once he's officially under arrest, if he hasn't already. But, no, don't let that stop another talking point that sounds like it's from an episode of Law and Order: STFU.

We on the left have now become the defenders of law and order by simply saying the rules should be followed. We're the tough guys and they're the fruitcakes. The right has become the cowering wimps who want to toss the rulebook in the shitter when it doesn't suit their game. Put up or shut up, motherfuckers. You don't like what's in the Constitution? Then try to change it. Otherwise, it's goddamned obvious that we're doing what should have been done six or seven years ago.

The Rude Pundit Chants with Stephanie Miller Tomorrow:
There is nothing more physically and spiritually gratifying than spending a Monday morning in the Tantric embrace of the Rude Pundit and Stephanie Miller on her fine radio show. Get your chakras shaken at 9:30 ET/6:30 PT.

Conservatives Are Scared of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed; Liberals Are Not:
So it was that in a hangover haze, desperately thirsty, sore, and craving pancakes, the Rude Pundit opened his laptop this morning to see he had received a frantic email from Erick Erickson of the blog RedState. Knowing that he had never subscribed to any spam lists on that creepy fucker's site, the first thing the Rude Pundit did was curse whatever son or daughter of a bitch signed him up. And then he opened the message, which waved its little arms like a crazed Kermit the Frog by being subject-lined, "Stop Obama From Importing Terrorists Stateside" (man, the tariffs have gotta be heavy on that shit).

What did the screechy deacon have to say? "Today Barack Obama is going to announce that the terrorist mastermind of September 11th, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, will be sent to New York City for a criminal trial in a civilian court." Huh. Seemed eminently reasonable. If he is the 9/11 masterblastermind, then the city of the crime would be where he has to be tried, no?

If you're Erick Erickson (and if you are, the Rude Pundit says, "Dude, seriously?"), the answer is "Oh, fucking no fucking way, motherfucker." Or, as he wrote, "In that trial, the terrorist will get all the rights afforded an American citizen in a criminal trial, including the right to a fair trial, the right to a taxpayer funded attorney, the right to review all the evidence against him, potentially including classified intelligence matters, the right to exclude evidence against him including, potentially, any confession obtained through enhanced interrogation techniques, etc."

Now, the Rude Pundit's no lawyer like Erickson once was, but he's pretty damn sure that the Sixth Amendment to the Constitution says, "In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial" and then talks about the rights that entails. That really doesn't distinguish between citizen and non-citizen and, indeed, there have been many decisions that allow for fair and speedy trial for immigrants both legal and illegal, as well as for non-Americans extradited to the United States for trial.

"At best, this will be a show trial fit not for the American Republic, but a third world kleptocratic totalitarian regime," continues Erickson in his missive. So, just to give you insight into a fairly well-regarded conservative mind: it's a stronger show of democracy to indefinitely detain a man without charge. To charge him and try him is an action fit for a tyrant. It's not unlike saying that if Erick Erickson had a choice to fuck a knothole in a wooden bench or his wife, he'd decide to fuck the knothole because, splinters and callouses be damned, it won't care if he loses his hard-on.

Since the announcement of Attorney General Eric Holder's announcement, the reaction over in the nutzoid ghetto of Right Blogsylvania has been predictable. Michelle Malkin madly barked, "If this White House thought Tea Party activists were an 'angry mob,' wait until they see the backlash from 9/11 family members and their supporters nationwide." She quotes a message from one of those family members: "[W]e will fight with every remaining breath in our bodies both their bringing KSM and the rest of the 9/11 conspirators to federal courtrooms within walking distance of where they slaughtered our loved ones." Does that mean a Brooklyn courtroom would be better? What proximity would satisfy them?

The microphones of right wing radio hosts are cringing at the thought of the spit soaking they're about to get. Rush Limbaugh has put on his skinny underwear to irritate his balls and ass crack so he gets extra cranky. Sean Hannity has taken an injection of wolverine semen right into his chin because he thinks it'll make him more savage. Michael Savage...well, fuck, he'll just do his usual thing and bite the heads off screaming bunnies on air. It keeps the rabbit population down in California.

Why does the notion of putting Khalid Sheikh Mohammed on trial drive them past the edge of insanity and "get the rhino tranq" frothing? Mohammed will more than likely get their beloved death penalty. Erickson seems to think Mohammed might pass classified information on to terrorists. But one of his readers inadvertently hits the nail on the head. In a comment, jdub19 writes, "I see this as another way to bash the Bush years. No OBL and after all the years in custody, KSM will be brought to justice. They have to keep reminding the public of GWB failures."

Ah, dear jdub, there is the problem. It's not that Barack Obama is going to put us in danger. It's that he's showing how justice is supposed to be done. Just doing that simple thing, abiding by the laws of the land, demonstrates the failures of the last administration. The Rude Pundit's said it before and he'll say it again: so much of the anger at Obama is a projection of right wing anger at George W. Bush. Obama has to fail at everything in the right wingers' sad world, just to show that they didn't devote eight years of their pathetic, deluded lives to abetting the destruction of the nation. They are shitting themselves in fear, not just in the intensely unlikely scenario of hot terrorist on terrorist action. They are afraid of what evidence at trial might reveal about how far down the rabbit hole to actual tyranny we fell.

We on the left are not afraid. We have the courage to confront the truth and not hide it away in a cell forever.

Just to reiterate another point: it's not weak to say that our laws are strong enough to take care of terrorists. In fact, believing in our justice system actually makes Barack Obama more patriotic than all waterboard-loving, conservative pricks and cunts who just want Mohammed disappeared. Nidal Hasan killed more people than just about anyone ever at Gitmo, yet no one's saying that he should be detained forever without charge or trial.

By the way, the Rude Pundit unsubscribed to Erickson's spam. And he's gonna need whiskey on those pancakes.

(Note: to those expecting part 2 of yesterday's part 1, the intention was to do it next week, after Sarah Palin's book comes out.)

What's With the New Backlash Against Women? (Part 1):
Evidence of resurgent sexism:
1. So Publishers Weekly puts out a list of the 10 "best" books of 2009, covering all genres. It contains not a single female author. Sure, it's all subjective as hell, but play the odds on that happening. Not damn likely. On the more extensive list of the 100 "best" books of the year, it looks like about a third are women. (Personal bias: Margaret Atwood's recent book kicks much ass, as does Barbara Ehrenreich's.)

2. The treatment of women in the House of Representatives, women who, it should be shameful to need to point out, are equals of their male counterparts, during the debate over the health care reform bill. As Democratic female members of Congress attempted to speak to how the bill would be beneficial to women, several male Republicans kept screaming objections over them. Remember: these are Republicans who had spoken without interruption about how Democrats were leading the nation down the path to socialist hellhole and want to kill old people. But if the ladies in the House wanna say somethin'? It's all "Man, Nancy Pelosi, can't you tell your bitches to shut the fuck up?" (See also the desire of Republicans for General McChrystal to put Pelosi "in her place." Apparently, that place is kicking their asses on health care reform.)

3. The seeming willingness of too many Democrats to acquiesce and acquiesce on abortion rights issues as long as Roe v. Wade is not overturned. The entire debate over the inclusion of the Stupak-Pitts Amendment in the health care reform bill, along with the previously less onerous Capp Amendment that was scorned by anti-choicers for being not punitive enough to women who might want or need an abortion, takes the Hyde Amendment as sacrosanct. That 1976 piece of vicious work and additional measures in the Reagan era have barred federal funds from being used for abortions. (It was just in 1993 that the measure was changed to allow exceptions for rape and incest.)

Almost the entire debate over abortion in the health reform bill was a defense of the Hyde Amendment. Democrats used to talk about overturning it completely because it's an unfair, government-imposed burden on poor women. But the anti-choice forces have so controlled the rhetoric that we are left with this sad moment, where in order to even pass a meager insurance bill, another assault on poor (and at least some middle class but, really, all) women occurred by preventing any abortion coverage in any insurance plan in a federal government insurance exchange.

Tell you what: let's up the fuckin' ante here. What is the number one cause of an unwanted pregnancy? Balls and the jizz contained therein. So how about an amendment that says if a woman gets pregnant and is forced to carry the baby to term no matter what, the dude who knocked her up has to get his nuts cut off. There's your trade-off, and men and women both get to have "consequences" for their actions. The result is more babies in the short term, but a whole lot less in the long term. There's details to be worked out. But castration's in the Bible somewhere, isn't it? Like "And, lo, God did tell Zebechaiah to chop the junk off the fornicator Jake"? If not, it should be. Just say it's a new translation.

4. Right now, in the political world, with Hillary Clinton hunkered down and doing her job mostly out of the public's eye and with Nancy Pelosi, this intensely accomplished woman, treated like a joke, the most visible women are fucking jokes. From absurd flash in the pan to downright dangerous:

a. Someone needs to tell Carrie Prejean that if Perez Hilton hadn't asked her about gay marriage at the Miss USA pageant, she'd be that forgotten bikini babe in a beauty contest, consigned to a communications degree and/or increasingly pathetic Maxim layouts. Since the revelation of her solo sex tape, her TV appearances hawking "her" book are either creepy or pathetic. For a dose of skeevy that almost makes you sympathize with Prejean, watch her interview on Hannity, where our host asks her to think about how she's going to feel when the video's made public. For pathetic, watch her get outraged on last night's Larry King [Is Not A]Live, when an old man tries to get her to talk about the very sex video she had talked about on every other show. How dare he.

But, hey, she's friends with Sarah Palin.

Who will be the start of Part 2, with appearances by Michele Bachmann. And some crazy ass conclusions.