Tuesday, November 08, 2016
Posting Late
Yeah, yeah, it's been a hell of a day. Back tonight with more Clinton-winning rudeness.
Monday, November 07, 2016
The Rude Case for Hillary Clinton (Part 2: A Mom's Perspective)
From Deborah S.: To quote the late, great Amy Winehouse, “What kind of fuckery is this?” Seriously, what the fucking fuckery is this? I was taking the unending election fuckery in stride until it started to affect my millennial children. Yeah, mother bear has been threatened and this bitch is pissed. Leave my cubs alone, motherfucker. Yes, of course, I am referring to the orange-tinged, anus-mouthed clown.
As any well-educated liberal can tell you, we are so proud when our spawn come around to our way of thinking and take an interest in something other than themselves. God bless you, Bernie Sanders, for motivating my 20-something kids to get into politics, give a shit about their future, and see how they can play a role and possibly make a difference. Thank you again to the benevolent Bernie for supporting Hillary and encouraging my kids to follow the yellow brick road. (Once a kid believes in something, like Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy or Bernie, it is just crushing when that fantastical reality vaporizes. “My life is a lie," “I’m depressed and need meds," etc.)
So my kids are on the Hillary bandwagon, feeling like life once again has meaning, and then the buffoonish Hitler, buffered by Comey-induced idiocracy and neighbors who steal our Clinton/Kaine signs, start to become overwhelmed with anxiety that a Trump presidency could become a reality. (No, I’m not sharing my Xanax or stash of indica… How did you guys know about that anyway?)
This endless political tragicomedy is causing severe anxiety. My pacifistic angels, my empathetic offspring now feel that what they are so passionate about could be taken away in less than 36 hours. The world that was so carefully cultivated for them, and so honorably represented by the Obama family, is teetering on the edge.
Trying to compare this to my feelings about a Reagan presidency and how we made it through those precarious times is small comfort. History books, their only frame of reference, make Reagan into some kind of political icon and hero of the free world. “Look,” my son says as he visits the remains of the Berlin Wall. “Reagan brought this down.”
My kids realize that Trump isn’t bringing down any walls. And he certainly isn’t building any bridges, or saving the planet, or affording women and minorities the respect and rights that they are entitled to. They see him for what he is, and they are more than anxious; they are afraid. And there is nothing I can do to make them feel better, except to encourage them to vote, and to encourage their friends to vote, and to stand strong for what they believe in, and keep the faith that Americans will do the right thing. We have to believe that the educated, hard-working, pragmatists will stand up and be heard and overcome the ignorant, crazy, lazy Trump followers.
I wish a hug and a kiss were still enough to make them feel better. If there were Clinton/Kaine band-aids, I would cover my kids in them like armor and send them to the polls with the feeling of excitement and anticipation that they had when they voted in the Democratic primary. All I can do is tell them that everything will be OK. Stay faithful. Everything will be OK.
Or we’ll sell the house and move to Canada.
As any well-educated liberal can tell you, we are so proud when our spawn come around to our way of thinking and take an interest in something other than themselves. God bless you, Bernie Sanders, for motivating my 20-something kids to get into politics, give a shit about their future, and see how they can play a role and possibly make a difference. Thank you again to the benevolent Bernie for supporting Hillary and encouraging my kids to follow the yellow brick road. (Once a kid believes in something, like Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy or Bernie, it is just crushing when that fantastical reality vaporizes. “My life is a lie," “I’m depressed and need meds," etc.)
So my kids are on the Hillary bandwagon, feeling like life once again has meaning, and then the buffoonish Hitler, buffered by Comey-induced idiocracy and neighbors who steal our Clinton/Kaine signs, start to become overwhelmed with anxiety that a Trump presidency could become a reality. (No, I’m not sharing my Xanax or stash of indica… How did you guys know about that anyway?)
This endless political tragicomedy is causing severe anxiety. My pacifistic angels, my empathetic offspring now feel that what they are so passionate about could be taken away in less than 36 hours. The world that was so carefully cultivated for them, and so honorably represented by the Obama family, is teetering on the edge.
Trying to compare this to my feelings about a Reagan presidency and how we made it through those precarious times is small comfort. History books, their only frame of reference, make Reagan into some kind of political icon and hero of the free world. “Look,” my son says as he visits the remains of the Berlin Wall. “Reagan brought this down.”
My kids realize that Trump isn’t bringing down any walls. And he certainly isn’t building any bridges, or saving the planet, or affording women and minorities the respect and rights that they are entitled to. They see him for what he is, and they are more than anxious; they are afraid. And there is nothing I can do to make them feel better, except to encourage them to vote, and to encourage their friends to vote, and to stand strong for what they believe in, and keep the faith that Americans will do the right thing. We have to believe that the educated, hard-working, pragmatists will stand up and be heard and overcome the ignorant, crazy, lazy Trump followers.
I wish a hug and a kiss were still enough to make them feel better. If there were Clinton/Kaine band-aids, I would cover my kids in them like armor and send them to the polls with the feeling of excitement and anticipation that they had when they voted in the Democratic primary. All I can do is tell them that everything will be OK. Stay faithful. Everything will be OK.
Or we’ll sell the house and move to Canada.
The Rude Case for Hillary Clinton (Part 1)
And so we come to the end of this indecent campaign, one that has degraded us as a nation and as individuals, one that has amped up to ear-splitting all the things that made the last few election cycles so despicable, not so much an exercise in democracy but an exercise in endurance, like 600 days of hazing where your reward at the end of being whipped and spit on and forced to eat dog food until you vomit is you get to go on living with the very people who laughed as you shit yourself. Through it all, through the long-forgotten "Bernie Bros" and the heartening sight of watching Ted Cruz take off his pants while Trump laughed at his dick, we on the left have had to hear from our comrades that they are just agonizing about voting for Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton in order to stop Republican candidate and rotting poison factory Donald Trump.
"She's in the pocket of Wall Street," we heard. "She is too hawkish." Both are significant and important complaints against Clinton, with real world consequences. And while it would be easy to simply dismiss them with, "Yeah, but what are you gonna do?" I'd rather acknowledge it and say, "I hear you. But those don't overcome the reasons why I am gladly voting for her."
For me, voting for Hillary Clinton comes down to four things, all of equal significance.
1. Supreme Court picks. If Republicans get to choose the next two or three Supreme Court justices, then the nation is fucked for at least a generation. Even as conservative as the court has been, even as it has dicked over our politics with Citizens United, helped make guns flow freely like sewage in a canal, shit on the workers' rights and immigrant rights, and more, it could be far, far worse. A shift of one justice, one Ginsberg, with a Republican president, and it's goodbye Roe v. Wade, goodbye First Amendment protections, goodbye environmental regulations, goodbye Affordable Care Act. Any liberal goal you want, dear, deluded Jill Stein voters, is over if the court shifts any further right. That ain't hyperbole. That's the stated goal of Republicans: reverse a bunch of shit that has made the nation progress. (Note: since Republicans have decided to continue being dickheads about the court if Clinton wins, get the fuck out and vote to change the Senate.)
2. Climate change. This one is about as easy as it gets. Only one candidate understands the reality of our fucked beyond fucked climate while the other wants to break any agreements on the reduction of carbon emissions and end federal funding of clean energy development. If you want anything done to at least slow down the rising seas and extreme weather, you have to vote for Clinton or you're saying, "Yeah, I don't a give a fuck because Killary is something-something-I-wrote-in-Bernie-because-I'm-a-self-indulgent-douche." The one issue that matters more than any other this election, the one that crosses so many other issues, like economic stability, treatment of the races, class divisions, hunger and poverty, was swallowed into the vortex of emails and Trump's buffoon show. This one is goddamn life and death.
3. First woman president. No, I don't wanna fuckin' hear from Democrats, "I think we should elect a woman president, but not this one." Because of
4. Character. Yeah, motherfuckers, character. Here's the deal: You know what character is? Character is when you come from a middle class background, work your way through an elite education, get involved in the feminist movement, become a lawyer, work for civil rights and for liberal political candidates, marry a guy who becomes a governor then not a governor then governor again, and then stay by him when he runs for president while every woman the guy ever fucked is paraded in front of you, get attacked because you're not some traditional Betty Crocker-approved housewife dancing with the washing machine, become First Lady and, because you tried to get health insurance to all Americans, you are ripped to shit by Republicans and not a few Democrats, had every financial transaction you ever made pored over by special prosecutors and the Justice Department, been accused of murder, accused of cocaine-fueled lesbian orgies, accused of being a Lady Macbeth, accused of every sin depraved cocksuckers could think of, and still stood there when your husband, the motherfuckin' president, had his dick dragged out to be pilloried for two years, and when you could have just told everyone to go fuck off, you immediately ran for the Senate, won, and worked for firefighters and veterans, working with the very ratfuckers who tried desperately to destroy you, ran for president only to be defeated by a younger man, the kind of thing that has happened to women in the workplace since forever, agreed to be the younger man's Secretary of State, worked your tits off to bring the United States back to sanity in the world in the wake of the ass-fucking that George W. Bush had committed, only to see yourself dragged constantly before the some of the same and some new cocksuckers and accused of every fuckin' crime they could conjure out of even your farts in the wind, left office and joined your husband working for a foundation that has done unalloyed good in the world, only to see those cocksuckers degrade your work, and, sure, yeah, you made some money, like your husband had, especially since these same cocksuckers had driven you into millions of dollars in debt for trying to get you indicted, ran for president again because you have shit you want to get done, shit you've been working on your whole life, shit that you think will make people's lives better and more secure, facing down another man, while a new generation of voters only knew you as that "corrupt" and "criminal" woman who somehow had never been arrested or indicted for a crime, but you push on, and find that, finally, at last, as the Democratic nominee, you are forced to run against a walking, breathing obscenity, a megalomaniac who calls you "the devil" and vows to have you put in jail if he's elected, who undermines everything that you have ever fought for, going back to those feminist core beliefs 50 years ago, and facing a media that won't let go of the past, that acts like any act you commit must somehow be corrupt and criminal to an infinite degree, and you have overcome all that, all those lies told by liars, all that hate spouted by the ignorant and the opportunistic, those who want to write the crimes of the last 25 years on you, even though you have taken responsibility and admitted wrong for every mistake along the way, even for those things that weren't mistakes, you are not only still in the race, but are going to, in all likelihood, win.
Yeah. That's who I want for president. At the end of this brutal campaign, I will walk into that booth tomorrow and vote for Clinton not because I want to say, "Fuck you" to Donald Trump and all his voters and all their shit beliefs. But because I want to vote for this woman.
"She's in the pocket of Wall Street," we heard. "She is too hawkish." Both are significant and important complaints against Clinton, with real world consequences. And while it would be easy to simply dismiss them with, "Yeah, but what are you gonna do?" I'd rather acknowledge it and say, "I hear you. But those don't overcome the reasons why I am gladly voting for her."
For me, voting for Hillary Clinton comes down to four things, all of equal significance.
1. Supreme Court picks. If Republicans get to choose the next two or three Supreme Court justices, then the nation is fucked for at least a generation. Even as conservative as the court has been, even as it has dicked over our politics with Citizens United, helped make guns flow freely like sewage in a canal, shit on the workers' rights and immigrant rights, and more, it could be far, far worse. A shift of one justice, one Ginsberg, with a Republican president, and it's goodbye Roe v. Wade, goodbye First Amendment protections, goodbye environmental regulations, goodbye Affordable Care Act. Any liberal goal you want, dear, deluded Jill Stein voters, is over if the court shifts any further right. That ain't hyperbole. That's the stated goal of Republicans: reverse a bunch of shit that has made the nation progress. (Note: since Republicans have decided to continue being dickheads about the court if Clinton wins, get the fuck out and vote to change the Senate.)
2. Climate change. This one is about as easy as it gets. Only one candidate understands the reality of our fucked beyond fucked climate while the other wants to break any agreements on the reduction of carbon emissions and end federal funding of clean energy development. If you want anything done to at least slow down the rising seas and extreme weather, you have to vote for Clinton or you're saying, "Yeah, I don't a give a fuck because Killary is something-something-I-wrote-in-Bernie-because-I'm-a-self-indulgent-douche." The one issue that matters more than any other this election, the one that crosses so many other issues, like economic stability, treatment of the races, class divisions, hunger and poverty, was swallowed into the vortex of emails and Trump's buffoon show. This one is goddamn life and death.
3. First woman president. No, I don't wanna fuckin' hear from Democrats, "I think we should elect a woman president, but not this one." Because of
4. Character. Yeah, motherfuckers, character. Here's the deal: You know what character is? Character is when you come from a middle class background, work your way through an elite education, get involved in the feminist movement, become a lawyer, work for civil rights and for liberal political candidates, marry a guy who becomes a governor then not a governor then governor again, and then stay by him when he runs for president while every woman the guy ever fucked is paraded in front of you, get attacked because you're not some traditional Betty Crocker-approved housewife dancing with the washing machine, become First Lady and, because you tried to get health insurance to all Americans, you are ripped to shit by Republicans and not a few Democrats, had every financial transaction you ever made pored over by special prosecutors and the Justice Department, been accused of murder, accused of cocaine-fueled lesbian orgies, accused of being a Lady Macbeth, accused of every sin depraved cocksuckers could think of, and still stood there when your husband, the motherfuckin' president, had his dick dragged out to be pilloried for two years, and when you could have just told everyone to go fuck off, you immediately ran for the Senate, won, and worked for firefighters and veterans, working with the very ratfuckers who tried desperately to destroy you, ran for president only to be defeated by a younger man, the kind of thing that has happened to women in the workplace since forever, agreed to be the younger man's Secretary of State, worked your tits off to bring the United States back to sanity in the world in the wake of the ass-fucking that George W. Bush had committed, only to see yourself dragged constantly before the some of the same and some new cocksuckers and accused of every fuckin' crime they could conjure out of even your farts in the wind, left office and joined your husband working for a foundation that has done unalloyed good in the world, only to see those cocksuckers degrade your work, and, sure, yeah, you made some money, like your husband had, especially since these same cocksuckers had driven you into millions of dollars in debt for trying to get you indicted, ran for president again because you have shit you want to get done, shit you've been working on your whole life, shit that you think will make people's lives better and more secure, facing down another man, while a new generation of voters only knew you as that "corrupt" and "criminal" woman who somehow had never been arrested or indicted for a crime, but you push on, and find that, finally, at last, as the Democratic nominee, you are forced to run against a walking, breathing obscenity, a megalomaniac who calls you "the devil" and vows to have you put in jail if he's elected, who undermines everything that you have ever fought for, going back to those feminist core beliefs 50 years ago, and facing a media that won't let go of the past, that acts like any act you commit must somehow be corrupt and criminal to an infinite degree, and you have overcome all that, all those lies told by liars, all that hate spouted by the ignorant and the opportunistic, those who want to write the crimes of the last 25 years on you, even though you have taken responsibility and admitted wrong for every mistake along the way, even for those things that weren't mistakes, you are not only still in the race, but are going to, in all likelihood, win.
Yeah. That's who I want for president. At the end of this brutal campaign, I will walk into that booth tomorrow and vote for Clinton not because I want to say, "Fuck you" to Donald Trump and all his voters and all their shit beliefs. But because I want to vote for this woman.
Friday, November 04, 2016
Last Note to Trump Voters: You Are Wrong and You Are Shit and Your Candidate Is Shit
If you want to waste some time in sad bemusement, you can read recent columns by open-hearted progressives and depressed conservatives, desperately trying to convince voters for Republican candidate and human whoopee cushion Donald Trump to change their minds. In the Washington Post, for instance, former Bush speechwriter Michael Gerson begs like a bitch, "In the end, a Trump victory would normalize the belief that the structures of self-government are unequal to the crisis of our time." Over in the New York Times, Thomas Friedman reaches out his friend hand to the Trumpsters: "I understand why many Trump supporters have lost faith in Washington and want to just 'shake things up.'" But, Friedman assures them, Trump's "policies won’t help them. Trump promises to bring their jobs back. But most of their jobs didn’t go to a Mexican. They went to a microchip." It's so kind of them to try to help their fellow Americans make such an important decision.
However, none of these rational editorials rationally laying out how irrational a vote for Trump is even approach understanding the Trump voter. They miss one big goddamn thing: The very things they think should convince sane people to turn against Trump are the very things that Trump voters love about their orange cult leader. You aren't dealing with anyone with reasonable intelligence or the ability to process logic, so stop trying. Trump voters are shit humans, so obviously they want a shit human for president. And your oh-so-good points about how terrible Trump is are wasted on such shit.
You can show Trump voters articles by every economist under the sun about how Trump's economic policies will bring about another recession, and they'll tell you that your so-called "experts" don't know anything and Trump knows all. That goes for just about any other policy. Of course, Trump will build the wall and have Mexico pay for it. Of course, Trump will knock the hell out of ISIS. Of course, Trump will bring back manufacturing jobs. Of course, Trump will make coal central to the energy policy of the nation. Of course, Trump will round up all undocumented immigrants and send them back to their countries. Of course, we have to figure out "what the hell is going on" with Muslims, who all know what every other Muslim is doing always. And if other countries have a problem with how Trump handles things like NATO or torture, well, fuck them for not also believing in Trump. That's what nukes are for.
For Trump voters, his behavior as a shit human being makes no difference. His "grab them by the pussy" remarks were just friendly "locker room talk" and meaningless, and every single one of those women accusing him of sexual assault are lying about him or exaggerating or wanted it. His Trump University troubles are lies made up by a liberal media that has always been out to get him and should be punished. Those people he didn't pay for things like chandeliers or pianos or whatever for his hotels or country clubs didn't do a good job and didn't deserve full pay. And why the fuck should he have to release his taxes like every other major party candidate since the 1970s? Besides, they're under audit. Didn't you hear what the man said?
And I don't wanna hear how I need to "understand" where Trump voters are coming from. I know where they come from. I know them. I lived in three states that are going to go for Trump. I've got skin in this game.
Earlier this week, one of my oldest, dearest friends posted on Facebook that he had voted. He wouldn't say for whom, but "I'll just say that I hope he wins."
"Please tell me you voted for Gary Johnson. He's a fucking moron, but at least he doesn't have a chance of winning," I said to him when I called him.
"No, of course I voted for Trump," he answered. "Or, as I like to call him, 'Reagan 2.'"
I responded, "Oh, a sequel. So you mean a shitty version of the original where the same things happen, except worse and stupider." Now, what went through my mind at that moment was that Reagan was a national nightmare, a fucking ghoul wearing the skin suit of a kindly grandpa, another shit human who at least did a couple of decent things, like grant amnesty to immigrants and raise taxes to save Social Security, things that Trump has specifically said he wouldn't do.
"Okay, more like Godfather II," my friend said, implying a sequel that was superior to the original.
"Yeah, I could totally see Trump having Fredo killed after faking that he forgave him," I said.
By now, we've all had discussions with relatives, friends, co-workers, Facebook fucknuts, all of whom have told us with the same glazed eyes or barely coherent comment threads that they want Trump to shake things up or some such nonsense, usually followed by how Hillary Clinton is a criminal, and if you try to point out that Clinton has never been charged with anything after all of the investigations of her while Trump has had to pay fines because he broke the law and has more lawsuits coming, they won't care. They won't care about the Russia ties. They won't care about the FBI's fuckery. They won't care. You are a fool to talk to them about it anymore. They are lost in a shit-tide that they want to be a shit-wave that covers the entire nation in shit.
So my final words to them are this: You are wrong. Everything you believe is wrong. It isn't just that it conflicts with my ideology. It's that you are factually, demonstrably wrong, about Hillary Clinton, about Barack Obama, about Donald Trump, and your candidate consistently, flagrantly lies. He is utter shit. The fact that you don't care about this makes you shit. You should be whipped out of the public sphere like vermin-infested dogs until you only occupy the hinterlands and can live in your compounds of shit. The rest of us are done with you.
I am going into this election with my eyes wide open to my candidate's flaws. That makes me more honorable than the lot of you combined. So take your pathetic hatred of everything that has helped America progress and fuck yourself with it.
Adios, motherfuckers. The country is about to tell you to fuck off. And when next Tuesday is over, crawl back to your deplorable lives, eat shit, and disappear.
However, none of these rational editorials rationally laying out how irrational a vote for Trump is even approach understanding the Trump voter. They miss one big goddamn thing: The very things they think should convince sane people to turn against Trump are the very things that Trump voters love about their orange cult leader. You aren't dealing with anyone with reasonable intelligence or the ability to process logic, so stop trying. Trump voters are shit humans, so obviously they want a shit human for president. And your oh-so-good points about how terrible Trump is are wasted on such shit.
You can show Trump voters articles by every economist under the sun about how Trump's economic policies will bring about another recession, and they'll tell you that your so-called "experts" don't know anything and Trump knows all. That goes for just about any other policy. Of course, Trump will build the wall and have Mexico pay for it. Of course, Trump will knock the hell out of ISIS. Of course, Trump will bring back manufacturing jobs. Of course, Trump will make coal central to the energy policy of the nation. Of course, Trump will round up all undocumented immigrants and send them back to their countries. Of course, we have to figure out "what the hell is going on" with Muslims, who all know what every other Muslim is doing always. And if other countries have a problem with how Trump handles things like NATO or torture, well, fuck them for not also believing in Trump. That's what nukes are for.
For Trump voters, his behavior as a shit human being makes no difference. His "grab them by the pussy" remarks were just friendly "locker room talk" and meaningless, and every single one of those women accusing him of sexual assault are lying about him or exaggerating or wanted it. His Trump University troubles are lies made up by a liberal media that has always been out to get him and should be punished. Those people he didn't pay for things like chandeliers or pianos or whatever for his hotels or country clubs didn't do a good job and didn't deserve full pay. And why the fuck should he have to release his taxes like every other major party candidate since the 1970s? Besides, they're under audit. Didn't you hear what the man said?
And I don't wanna hear how I need to "understand" where Trump voters are coming from. I know where they come from. I know them. I lived in three states that are going to go for Trump. I've got skin in this game.
Earlier this week, one of my oldest, dearest friends posted on Facebook that he had voted. He wouldn't say for whom, but "I'll just say that I hope he wins."
"Please tell me you voted for Gary Johnson. He's a fucking moron, but at least he doesn't have a chance of winning," I said to him when I called him.
"No, of course I voted for Trump," he answered. "Or, as I like to call him, 'Reagan 2.'"
I responded, "Oh, a sequel. So you mean a shitty version of the original where the same things happen, except worse and stupider." Now, what went through my mind at that moment was that Reagan was a national nightmare, a fucking ghoul wearing the skin suit of a kindly grandpa, another shit human who at least did a couple of decent things, like grant amnesty to immigrants and raise taxes to save Social Security, things that Trump has specifically said he wouldn't do.
"Okay, more like Godfather II," my friend said, implying a sequel that was superior to the original.
"Yeah, I could totally see Trump having Fredo killed after faking that he forgave him," I said.
By now, we've all had discussions with relatives, friends, co-workers, Facebook fucknuts, all of whom have told us with the same glazed eyes or barely coherent comment threads that they want Trump to shake things up or some such nonsense, usually followed by how Hillary Clinton is a criminal, and if you try to point out that Clinton has never been charged with anything after all of the investigations of her while Trump has had to pay fines because he broke the law and has more lawsuits coming, they won't care. They won't care about the Russia ties. They won't care about the FBI's fuckery. They won't care. You are a fool to talk to them about it anymore. They are lost in a shit-tide that they want to be a shit-wave that covers the entire nation in shit.
So my final words to them are this: You are wrong. Everything you believe is wrong. It isn't just that it conflicts with my ideology. It's that you are factually, demonstrably wrong, about Hillary Clinton, about Barack Obama, about Donald Trump, and your candidate consistently, flagrantly lies. He is utter shit. The fact that you don't care about this makes you shit. You should be whipped out of the public sphere like vermin-infested dogs until you only occupy the hinterlands and can live in your compounds of shit. The rest of us are done with you.
I am going into this election with my eyes wide open to my candidate's flaws. That makes me more honorable than the lot of you combined. So take your pathetic hatred of everything that has helped America progress and fuck yourself with it.
Adios, motherfuckers. The country is about to tell you to fuck off. And when next Tuesday is over, crawl back to your deplorable lives, eat shit, and disappear.
Thursday, November 03, 2016
Republicans Love Power But Not Democracy
Barring some event that causes mass brain damage and brings about the Even Greater Stupiding of voters, Hillary Clinton is going to be elected president next Tuesday. That will make the third election in a row where the Democrat won the presidency. That's three times that the citizens of the United States were asked whether they would prefer the Republican and they responded, "Uh, no. In fact, fuck no." For the most part, those voters are pretty clear about what they voted for: among other things, they trust the Democrat to set the foreign policy of the nation, to use the military wisely, to work with Congress to pass legislation, and to appoint judges, including Supreme Court justices. We don't expect the president to get everything she wants. But there is an expectation that the Congress would recognize that they have to be partners with the co-equal executive branch in order to simply get shit done.
The whole fuckin' thing breaks down if the legislative branch just says, "Fuck off, executive branch. The door is slammed shut."
So when you read that more and more Republicans in the Senate, who are currently crossing their pudgy arms and stomping their widdle feet and saying, "Ain't no-way, no-how will we consider an Obama Supreme Court pick," have vowed to not consider any nominations from a President Hillary Clinton, well, that shit is about as dangerous as it gets to democracy. It's one thing to filibuster a nominee, as 25 Democrats voted to do (unsuccessfully) for Samuel Alito in 2006. But in that case, it was after confirmation hearings had taken place. And those supporting the filibuster weren't saying that any nomination from George W. Bush was dead on arrival. No, they were saying that even a disastrous fucknut like Bush would have his Supreme Court nominations considered. Republicans won't even allow for Merrick Garland to be heard from in a committee room.
We've got scumfeeder Senator Richard Burr of the desperately-trying-to-unfuck-itself state of North Carolina saying in a private meeting, "If Hillary Clinton becomes president, I am going to do everything I can do to make sure four years from now, we still got an opening on the Supreme Court." You got that? Another way to put that is that the majority of voters in North Carolina get to overthrow the will of the people of the entire nation when it comes to the Supreme Court. Burr has been joined by unprincipled motherfuckers Ted "I Love the Smell of Trump Ass in the Morning" Cruz and John "Clawing at the Edge of the Cliffs of Relevancy" McCain in saying fuck any Democratic president when it comes to the justices. McCain walked it back a bit, but that's the kind of weaseling we expect from that asshole.
This shit makes no sense at all. If Republicans refuse to allow a vote on Supreme Court justices from a Democratic president, why wouldn't Democrats do the same to a Republican president?
Republicans are scared shitless of the realities of democracy. We see that in their almost comically racist attempts at suppressing voter turnout through bullshit i.d. laws. We see that when they make the filibuster a regular part of legislative action so that they have eliminated the ability of a simple majority to pass anything in the Senate. We saw it back in the Bill Clinton presidency when they sought to eject him from office for the limpest of reasons. We saw it in the constant attempts to strip Barack Obama of legitimacy.
What all this has done is make the nutzoids and dumbshits that make up the GOP voter coalition completely mistrust that democracy works. If everything the opposition does is a cataclysmic event ready to bring on an apocalyptic nightmare of zombies, terrorists, and government health care, then obviously you'd believe that elections are rigged and evil agents are trying to steal your lovely country from your innocent hands. Donald Trump has succeeded in working his followers into a fever pitch by promising them shit that he couldn't do even if he was elected and telling them that if he loses, it's only because bankers or someone are working against him. What the fuck are they gonna think about democracy if their Trump godhead doesn't ascend to his White House iron throne?
And the other obvious outcome here is to say that the only way government can function is if one party completely controls it. That's cool when your party is in power. But it ain't very cool when your party is in the minority and out of the presidency. Then we get to widespread suppression of dissent and other nasty things.
Democracy is supposed to ensure that people have to compromise. Once that ends, once even the chance of that ends, which is what Republicans are doing, then democracy is fuckin' doomed, man.
The whole fuckin' thing breaks down if the legislative branch just says, "Fuck off, executive branch. The door is slammed shut."
So when you read that more and more Republicans in the Senate, who are currently crossing their pudgy arms and stomping their widdle feet and saying, "Ain't no-way, no-how will we consider an Obama Supreme Court pick," have vowed to not consider any nominations from a President Hillary Clinton, well, that shit is about as dangerous as it gets to democracy. It's one thing to filibuster a nominee, as 25 Democrats voted to do (unsuccessfully) for Samuel Alito in 2006. But in that case, it was after confirmation hearings had taken place. And those supporting the filibuster weren't saying that any nomination from George W. Bush was dead on arrival. No, they were saying that even a disastrous fucknut like Bush would have his Supreme Court nominations considered. Republicans won't even allow for Merrick Garland to be heard from in a committee room.
We've got scumfeeder Senator Richard Burr of the desperately-trying-to-unfuck-itself state of North Carolina saying in a private meeting, "If Hillary Clinton becomes president, I am going to do everything I can do to make sure four years from now, we still got an opening on the Supreme Court." You got that? Another way to put that is that the majority of voters in North Carolina get to overthrow the will of the people of the entire nation when it comes to the Supreme Court. Burr has been joined by unprincipled motherfuckers Ted "I Love the Smell of Trump Ass in the Morning" Cruz and John "Clawing at the Edge of the Cliffs of Relevancy" McCain in saying fuck any Democratic president when it comes to the justices. McCain walked it back a bit, but that's the kind of weaseling we expect from that asshole.
This shit makes no sense at all. If Republicans refuse to allow a vote on Supreme Court justices from a Democratic president, why wouldn't Democrats do the same to a Republican president?
Republicans are scared shitless of the realities of democracy. We see that in their almost comically racist attempts at suppressing voter turnout through bullshit i.d. laws. We see that when they make the filibuster a regular part of legislative action so that they have eliminated the ability of a simple majority to pass anything in the Senate. We saw it back in the Bill Clinton presidency when they sought to eject him from office for the limpest of reasons. We saw it in the constant attempts to strip Barack Obama of legitimacy.
What all this has done is make the nutzoids and dumbshits that make up the GOP voter coalition completely mistrust that democracy works. If everything the opposition does is a cataclysmic event ready to bring on an apocalyptic nightmare of zombies, terrorists, and government health care, then obviously you'd believe that elections are rigged and evil agents are trying to steal your lovely country from your innocent hands. Donald Trump has succeeded in working his followers into a fever pitch by promising them shit that he couldn't do even if he was elected and telling them that if he loses, it's only because bankers or someone are working against him. What the fuck are they gonna think about democracy if their Trump godhead doesn't ascend to his White House iron throne?
And the other obvious outcome here is to say that the only way government can function is if one party completely controls it. That's cool when your party is in power. But it ain't very cool when your party is in the minority and out of the presidency. Then we get to widespread suppression of dissent and other nasty things.
Democracy is supposed to ensure that people have to compromise. Once that ends, once even the chance of that ends, which is what Republicans are doing, then democracy is fuckin' doomed, man.
Wednesday, November 02, 2016
Brief Note to Anti-Semites for Trump: Your Candidate Is More of a "Jew" Than Any Real Jew
One of the ugliest things in this ugly campaign has been the upsurge in anti-Semitism in support of Republican candidate and rotting butternut squash with legs Donald Trump. It's not that anti-Semitism ever went away, but it was confined to the nether regions of the internet and Idaho until Trump allowed their Nazi freak flag to fly.
Obviously, almost all of it is just pathetic trolling, especially when it comes to Twitter threats of gas chambers or concentration camps against journalists or, really, anyone with a vaguely Jewish-sounding name writing or saying anything anti-Trump. Then there are the anti-Semites who are a little more active, your "Jew-S-A" chanters, your bumper sticker and button sellers, or your white supremacists getting violent at Trump rallies.
Hell, I'm barely Jewish. I was raised Jewish, but I'm a stone-cold atheist who can't remember the last time he was at a synagogue. I have relatives who died at Auschwitz and some who survived (and moved to Australia). I make a mean chicken soup, but, in all honesty, that's about it as far as that heritage goes. And I've been attacked by the frog-faced Nazis on Twitter. I've been sent images of ridiculously grotesque money-craving Jews by Trump voters, usually cleverly calling themselves "deplorable."
Trump himself has trafficked in conspiracy theories about international bankers and the media that stink of Stormfront or other anti-Semitic websites. Speaking last December to a small group of Republican Jewish leaders, Trump really did say, "Is there anyone in this room who doesn't renegotiate deals? Probably 99% of you. Probably more than any room I've ever spoken in...I'm a negotiator, like you folks." And he really did add, "But you're not going to support me because I don't want your money...You want to control your own politicians." In other words, the worst stereotypes are what Trump sees when he looks at a room full of Jewish people.
What's utterly, sadly hilarious here is that, if you look at his business career, Donald Trump has committed nearly all the sins that anti-Semites pin on Jews.
He routinely weasels out of his debts, and he forces people to accept less money than agreed to or sometimes none at all.
He takes money from other people, launders it through his foundation, and uses it to pay his debts.
He manipulates and perhaps breaks the law to save every penny he can when it comes to his taxes.
He welshes on promises to charity and claims credit for donations he never made.
International banking? Putting aside Putin love, Trump is allegedly working with Russian financiers on some of his properties.
As far as controlling the media, let's see what happens after the election.
In other words, Donald Trump is more of a "Jew" than pretty much any actual Jew. The obvious point here is that those things ascribed to Jews aren't particularly Jewish. But, of course, you anti-Semites are goddamned blind fools and are probably fine with Trump because his nose is as small as his hands.
Obviously, almost all of it is just pathetic trolling, especially when it comes to Twitter threats of gas chambers or concentration camps against journalists or, really, anyone with a vaguely Jewish-sounding name writing or saying anything anti-Trump. Then there are the anti-Semites who are a little more active, your "Jew-S-A" chanters, your bumper sticker and button sellers, or your white supremacists getting violent at Trump rallies.
Hell, I'm barely Jewish. I was raised Jewish, but I'm a stone-cold atheist who can't remember the last time he was at a synagogue. I have relatives who died at Auschwitz and some who survived (and moved to Australia). I make a mean chicken soup, but, in all honesty, that's about it as far as that heritage goes. And I've been attacked by the frog-faced Nazis on Twitter. I've been sent images of ridiculously grotesque money-craving Jews by Trump voters, usually cleverly calling themselves "deplorable."
Trump himself has trafficked in conspiracy theories about international bankers and the media that stink of Stormfront or other anti-Semitic websites. Speaking last December to a small group of Republican Jewish leaders, Trump really did say, "Is there anyone in this room who doesn't renegotiate deals? Probably 99% of you. Probably more than any room I've ever spoken in...I'm a negotiator, like you folks." And he really did add, "But you're not going to support me because I don't want your money...You want to control your own politicians." In other words, the worst stereotypes are what Trump sees when he looks at a room full of Jewish people.
What's utterly, sadly hilarious here is that, if you look at his business career, Donald Trump has committed nearly all the sins that anti-Semites pin on Jews.
He routinely weasels out of his debts, and he forces people to accept less money than agreed to or sometimes none at all.
He takes money from other people, launders it through his foundation, and uses it to pay his debts.
He manipulates and perhaps breaks the law to save every penny he can when it comes to his taxes.
He welshes on promises to charity and claims credit for donations he never made.
International banking? Putting aside Putin love, Trump is allegedly working with Russian financiers on some of his properties.
As far as controlling the media, let's see what happens after the election.
In other words, Donald Trump is more of a "Jew" than pretty much any actual Jew. The obvious point here is that those things ascribed to Jews aren't particularly Jewish. But, of course, you anti-Semites are goddamned blind fools and are probably fine with Trump because his nose is as small as his hands.
Tuesday, November 01, 2016
What Exactly Do Trump Voters Think Needs Changing?
"Today we live in a world of terror, madmen, and missiles," the Republican candidate says in the ad. "Our military is challenged by aging weapons and low morale." He goes on to tell us about the "dangerous world" and how "I will rebuild our military. I will move quickly to defend our country" and have a foreign policy "driven by American interests and American values." In another ad for the Republican candidate, a female voice says that the Democrat is "pushing a big government plan that lets Washington bureaucrats interfere" with your medical decisions. Yet one more commercial talks about how the Democrat is a liar who has engaged in unethical activity.
In case you didn't figure it out or are too lazy to click on the link up there, the ads were from the 2000 campaign of Republican George W. Bush against the Democrat and sitting Vice President Al Gore. It's instructive to look back on that election not just because of the fuckery of an idiot man-child being seen as the equivalent of a lifelong public servant, but because, after eight years of the Clinton administration, where the economy was saved from a recession and thrived, where the old conflicts that used to define foreign policy were put to rest, and where an intransigent Republican opposition sought to delegitimize the entire presidency (and end it) and failed miserably, Republicans had to figure out just what the fuck they were running against. Peace? Prosperity?
While there is always a segment of the population that ain't gonna vote for the opposing party no-way, no-how, Bush had to convince a significant number of people that it was against their interests to continue all the good shit that had been going on (and, for the sake of this argument, we're gonna leave out welfare reform, NAFTA, DOMA, and other dubious shit that Bill Clinton did because Republicans actually supported that). What do you say? Well, Bush went with the usual Republican script: Democrats are a bunch of pussies and big government is gonna rape your dog and force you to buy generic prescriptions.
Oh, and there was one other element that Bush used. It was kind of brilliant. See, for the first time in ages, not only was the budget balanced, but the government was running a surplus of a couple of trillion dollars. Bush just outright fuckin' bribed people. If he becomes president, he said, "I believe that once priorities have been funded we should pass money back to the taxpayers" in the form of tax cuts, if not just cash money. It didn't occur to enough people that a Democrat was the one who set the economy on the road to a surplus. No, that bastard Gore was just gonna throw around cash like a coked-up Air National Guardsman at a whorehouse in Houston: "Al Gore plans to spend it all. And more."
And, yes, yes, I know, Bush didn't really "win" in 2000. He sure as shit lost the popular vote, and he was dicked over in Florida. But it shouldn't have been close. Anyone paying attention at all should have thought, "Whoa, whoa, things are going pretty fuckin' good right now. Why the fuck should I change that?" Instead, Bush's campaign convinced a not-insignificant number of people "Whoa, whoa, things are going pretty fuckin' good right now. Fuck it. Let's let that dry drunk dumbass run the show for a while so I'll get paid. Infrastructure can go fuck itself."
Now we face a starkly similar situation. Republican candidate and cartoon wombat Donald Trump has campaigned on a vague promise of "change" and how voters shouldn't want things to be like they've been for the last eight years. And for some fucked-up reason, people believe him. It's as if the long period of job creation, rescuing the country from the brink of collapse, and mostly ending two bullshit wars is utterly meaningless (and that's not even getting into the things that Democrats support, like Obamacare and expanded LGBT rights).
Republicans act like saying that "Hillary Clinton is four more years of Obama" is a threat. How'd it work out for us in 2000, huh? How about we not indulge our animal urge for change for the sake of saying that we changed. How about we not just roll the fuckin' dice and see how it turns out.
In case you didn't figure it out or are too lazy to click on the link up there, the ads were from the 2000 campaign of Republican George W. Bush against the Democrat and sitting Vice President Al Gore. It's instructive to look back on that election not just because of the fuckery of an idiot man-child being seen as the equivalent of a lifelong public servant, but because, after eight years of the Clinton administration, where the economy was saved from a recession and thrived, where the old conflicts that used to define foreign policy were put to rest, and where an intransigent Republican opposition sought to delegitimize the entire presidency (and end it) and failed miserably, Republicans had to figure out just what the fuck they were running against. Peace? Prosperity?
While there is always a segment of the population that ain't gonna vote for the opposing party no-way, no-how, Bush had to convince a significant number of people that it was against their interests to continue all the good shit that had been going on (and, for the sake of this argument, we're gonna leave out welfare reform, NAFTA, DOMA, and other dubious shit that Bill Clinton did because Republicans actually supported that). What do you say? Well, Bush went with the usual Republican script: Democrats are a bunch of pussies and big government is gonna rape your dog and force you to buy generic prescriptions.
Oh, and there was one other element that Bush used. It was kind of brilliant. See, for the first time in ages, not only was the budget balanced, but the government was running a surplus of a couple of trillion dollars. Bush just outright fuckin' bribed people. If he becomes president, he said, "I believe that once priorities have been funded we should pass money back to the taxpayers" in the form of tax cuts, if not just cash money. It didn't occur to enough people that a Democrat was the one who set the economy on the road to a surplus. No, that bastard Gore was just gonna throw around cash like a coked-up Air National Guardsman at a whorehouse in Houston: "Al Gore plans to spend it all. And more."
And, yes, yes, I know, Bush didn't really "win" in 2000. He sure as shit lost the popular vote, and he was dicked over in Florida. But it shouldn't have been close. Anyone paying attention at all should have thought, "Whoa, whoa, things are going pretty fuckin' good right now. Why the fuck should I change that?" Instead, Bush's campaign convinced a not-insignificant number of people "Whoa, whoa, things are going pretty fuckin' good right now. Fuck it. Let's let that dry drunk dumbass run the show for a while so I'll get paid. Infrastructure can go fuck itself."
Now we face a starkly similar situation. Republican candidate and cartoon wombat Donald Trump has campaigned on a vague promise of "change" and how voters shouldn't want things to be like they've been for the last eight years. And for some fucked-up reason, people believe him. It's as if the long period of job creation, rescuing the country from the brink of collapse, and mostly ending two bullshit wars is utterly meaningless (and that's not even getting into the things that Democrats support, like Obamacare and expanded LGBT rights).
Republicans act like saying that "Hillary Clinton is four more years of Obama" is a threat. How'd it work out for us in 2000, huh? How about we not indulge our animal urge for change for the sake of saying that we changed. How about we not just roll the fuckin' dice and see how it turns out.
Monday, October 31, 2016
Republicans Will Shit on Your Lawn and Tell You It's Your Fault
Let us say, and why not, that one day you decide to put up a "Hillary Clinton for President" or "I'm with her" sign on your front lawn. It's your lawn, right? You're allowed to choose what signs to stick in the ground. Now let us say, and, indeed, why not, that you get up the morning after you put out the sign to discover that someone has ripped up the thing and taken what appears to be a human shit on your lawn. That just pisses you off. You get another sign. You clean up the shit. And then the next morning, the same thing happens. Ripped sign. Shit on your lawn. You get a third sign, and this time you set up a surveillance camera to see what's going on. Reviewing the footage the next day, you see your neighbor walk into your yard, rip up your Clinton sign, drop his pants, and take a shit on your lawn.
You walk to your neighbor's house and say, "Yo, Dan, what gives? Why are you ripping up my sign? Why are you shitting on my lawn?" And Dan explains that he thinks that sign represents a danger to himself and his family. "And the shitting on the lawn?" Dan explains that he does that so you'll stop putting the sign back up. "Wait, wait, wait," you say. "You're telling me that you're gonna shit on my lawn until I give up putting out the Hillary sign?" Dan nods, and he tells you that you're to blame. You just keep putting that sign up. What else can he do but tear it up and shit?
"You could try not tearing up the sign. You could go shit in your toilet," you attempt to reason with him. Dan's not hearing it. It's a simple proposition: you put up the sign. You deserve the shit. You don't want shit on your lawn? You know what to do. When you threaten to call the cops, Dan says it's fine. You might get rid of him. But others in the neighborhood will start to shit on your lawn, too. They have to. It's just what they do when they see the Clinton sign. Rip and shit. And if you'd just do exactly what they want, the shitting will end. Well, unless you put up some other sign they don't like.
Whenever I read something that tells me that the Clinton presidency is going to be endless congressional investigations (something that I bemoaned back in 2008, but that was when we had a choice of Clinton or Obama, not Clinton or an inside-out pumpkin), I want to say to the people who have made their living chasing chimeric Clinton crimes, "Is this the life you wanted? Constantly trying to prove that these two people are evil? Is that your white whale? You know that Moby Dick ended up smashing the ship and killing Ahab, right?"
In today's Washington Post, Marc Thiessen writes in his latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "wet sharts of a brain-damaged torture apologist") about how a Clinton presidency will usher in a whole new series of "Clinton scandals." He helpfully reviews, "In the 1990s, it was Whitewater, the firing of White House travel aides, Madison S&L, cattle futures and bimbo eruptions. Today, it is the Clinton Foundation and her private email server. And tomorrow — who knows?"
Now, if you're aware that there is a historical record, you'd recall that Whitewater, Travelgate, the cattle futures, and the Madison Savings and Loan added up to a big resounded nothing for the Clintons followed by a sad trombone and the bill for millions and millions of dollars paid by the American people. Oh, yeah, they got Bill Clinton lying under oath about face fucking an intern and made the country pay dearly for it with the humiliating spectacle of the impeachment. Otherwise, the "Clinton scandals," the ones that Republicans have pursued, are a series of manufactured lies. These are not scandals. They are just shit that the GOP made up and called "scandal" and they got everyone else to go along with it.
And now we're supposed to feel queasy because Republicans have promised to keep shitting on our lawns.
As Paul Waldman points out, the savagely excessive reaction to FBI Director James Comey's bullshit letter saying that something vaguely related to Hillary Clinton might be in a bunch of emails on Anthony Weiner's computer is "a preview of the next four years." It'll be a series of innocuous nonsense that can be spun to look hinky that will be pumped up into the greatest scandal in the history of forever and screaming cocks will scream on TV and Alex Jones will sweatily shriek how lizard people are behind it and then some fuckin' congressional committee will investigate for years, subpoenaing the fuck out of innocent government workers who will be forced to pay for lawyers they can't afford in the hopes that some tiny dingleberry of law-breaking will shake out of the hairs on the asshole of Lady Justice. That's what they tried to make this Comey thing become, except for the fact that, as of now, all that's there is a goddamned letter and a bunch of emails that likely say shit like, "Damn, Broad City's a funny show. We should get HRC on it."
But, you know, if there is a big enough tide in the election, Republicans can be denied their committees, their subpoena power, and, really, what has been, for the last 25 years, their pathetic reason for existing.
You walk to your neighbor's house and say, "Yo, Dan, what gives? Why are you ripping up my sign? Why are you shitting on my lawn?" And Dan explains that he thinks that sign represents a danger to himself and his family. "And the shitting on the lawn?" Dan explains that he does that so you'll stop putting the sign back up. "Wait, wait, wait," you say. "You're telling me that you're gonna shit on my lawn until I give up putting out the Hillary sign?" Dan nods, and he tells you that you're to blame. You just keep putting that sign up. What else can he do but tear it up and shit?
"You could try not tearing up the sign. You could go shit in your toilet," you attempt to reason with him. Dan's not hearing it. It's a simple proposition: you put up the sign. You deserve the shit. You don't want shit on your lawn? You know what to do. When you threaten to call the cops, Dan says it's fine. You might get rid of him. But others in the neighborhood will start to shit on your lawn, too. They have to. It's just what they do when they see the Clinton sign. Rip and shit. And if you'd just do exactly what they want, the shitting will end. Well, unless you put up some other sign they don't like.
Whenever I read something that tells me that the Clinton presidency is going to be endless congressional investigations (something that I bemoaned back in 2008, but that was when we had a choice of Clinton or Obama, not Clinton or an inside-out pumpkin), I want to say to the people who have made their living chasing chimeric Clinton crimes, "Is this the life you wanted? Constantly trying to prove that these two people are evil? Is that your white whale? You know that Moby Dick ended up smashing the ship and killing Ahab, right?"
In today's Washington Post, Marc Thiessen writes in his latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "wet sharts of a brain-damaged torture apologist") about how a Clinton presidency will usher in a whole new series of "Clinton scandals." He helpfully reviews, "In the 1990s, it was Whitewater, the firing of White House travel aides, Madison S&L, cattle futures and bimbo eruptions. Today, it is the Clinton Foundation and her private email server. And tomorrow — who knows?"
Now, if you're aware that there is a historical record, you'd recall that Whitewater, Travelgate, the cattle futures, and the Madison Savings and Loan added up to a big resounded nothing for the Clintons followed by a sad trombone and the bill for millions and millions of dollars paid by the American people. Oh, yeah, they got Bill Clinton lying under oath about face fucking an intern and made the country pay dearly for it with the humiliating spectacle of the impeachment. Otherwise, the "Clinton scandals," the ones that Republicans have pursued, are a series of manufactured lies. These are not scandals. They are just shit that the GOP made up and called "scandal" and they got everyone else to go along with it.
And now we're supposed to feel queasy because Republicans have promised to keep shitting on our lawns.
As Paul Waldman points out, the savagely excessive reaction to FBI Director James Comey's bullshit letter saying that something vaguely related to Hillary Clinton might be in a bunch of emails on Anthony Weiner's computer is "a preview of the next four years." It'll be a series of innocuous nonsense that can be spun to look hinky that will be pumped up into the greatest scandal in the history of forever and screaming cocks will scream on TV and Alex Jones will sweatily shriek how lizard people are behind it and then some fuckin' congressional committee will investigate for years, subpoenaing the fuck out of innocent government workers who will be forced to pay for lawyers they can't afford in the hopes that some tiny dingleberry of law-breaking will shake out of the hairs on the asshole of Lady Justice. That's what they tried to make this Comey thing become, except for the fact that, as of now, all that's there is a goddamned letter and a bunch of emails that likely say shit like, "Damn, Broad City's a funny show. We should get HRC on it."
But, you know, if there is a big enough tide in the election, Republicans can be denied their committees, their subpoena power, and, really, what has been, for the last 25 years, their pathetic reason for existing.
Friday, October 28, 2016
It's Alive: The FBI Reanimates the Clinton Email Server Fake Scandal
The ugly ending of this ugly election just got even uglier. Like rotting armadillo ugly. Oh, we were lulled briefly into a sense that the whole thing was going to wind to an end, as Republican candidate and upside down candy corn Donald Trump was starting to choke on his own conspiracy theories, as Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton amassed an insurmountable lead and was starting to make serious inroads into states that had previously been GOP strongholds.
Well, the motherfuckin' joke was on every one of us motherfuckers.
Today, FBI Director James Comey released a nearly meaningless, cagey letter to members of Congress saying the FBI, while looking into some unnamed matter, found some emails "that appear pertinent to the investigation" of Clinton's private email server. So the FBI is gonna check 'em out to see if "they contain classified information" and if they have any "importance to our investigation."
This isn't a "reopening" of the investigation, as everyone is breathlessly saying. If it had ever been closed, Comey wouldn't have said he was going to "supplement" his previous report. It would be a new investigation. Besides, reporter Pete Williams says that the emails aren't actually from Clinton, just from a device that was found. In other words, chances are it's a big fucking pile of nothing and Comey was covering his ass and/or starting up some shit because he's, hell, who knows? bored? Or was he trying to get the FBI out of the crosshairs of the Republican pigfuckers in Congress who have vowed nonstop investigations of the bureau?
And thus, with a whiff of pheromones in the air, the right-wing feeding frenzy went from "shit fight at a monkeyhouse" to "weasels fucking after getting into the meth stash." All of a sudden, Trump was loving the FBI after talking shit about it for months, and declared that the email "scandal" was "bigger than Watergate" (and obviously more important than being a sexual predator). The Republican National Committee, facing the loss of the Senate and the potential loss of the House, went all in on saying that the mere hint at some iota of something slightly suspicious automatically disqualifies Clinton. Conservatives yelped out in simultaneous orgasm all over social media. Sean Hannity was last seen still convulsing on the floor of his office as a weeping intern waited to clean him up. Ann Coulter just squirted and exploded.
Welcome to the last dozen days of this endless goddamn punishment of an election. I'm gonna guess almost no one is thinking of changing their votes from Clinton to Donald Trump because some vague, undefined thing must be up with Clinton and the emails, even though you don't really know what the fuck that really is. But, goddamnit, it just means that the GOP is fluffing itself for the coming impeachment hearings.
And that, more than anything else, is the reason they must be crushed into street scum and washed away come Election Day.
Well, the motherfuckin' joke was on every one of us motherfuckers.
Today, FBI Director James Comey released a nearly meaningless, cagey letter to members of Congress saying the FBI, while looking into some unnamed matter, found some emails "that appear pertinent to the investigation" of Clinton's private email server. So the FBI is gonna check 'em out to see if "they contain classified information" and if they have any "importance to our investigation."
This isn't a "reopening" of the investigation, as everyone is breathlessly saying. If it had ever been closed, Comey wouldn't have said he was going to "supplement" his previous report. It would be a new investigation. Besides, reporter Pete Williams says that the emails aren't actually from Clinton, just from a device that was found. In other words, chances are it's a big fucking pile of nothing and Comey was covering his ass and/or starting up some shit because he's, hell, who knows? bored? Or was he trying to get the FBI out of the crosshairs of the Republican pigfuckers in Congress who have vowed nonstop investigations of the bureau?
And thus, with a whiff of pheromones in the air, the right-wing feeding frenzy went from "shit fight at a monkeyhouse" to "weasels fucking after getting into the meth stash." All of a sudden, Trump was loving the FBI after talking shit about it for months, and declared that the email "scandal" was "bigger than Watergate" (and obviously more important than being a sexual predator). The Republican National Committee, facing the loss of the Senate and the potential loss of the House, went all in on saying that the mere hint at some iota of something slightly suspicious automatically disqualifies Clinton. Conservatives yelped out in simultaneous orgasm all over social media. Sean Hannity was last seen still convulsing on the floor of his office as a weeping intern waited to clean him up. Ann Coulter just squirted and exploded.
Welcome to the last dozen days of this endless goddamn punishment of an election. I'm gonna guess almost no one is thinking of changing their votes from Clinton to Donald Trump because some vague, undefined thing must be up with Clinton and the emails, even though you don't really know what the fuck that really is. But, goddamnit, it just means that the GOP is fluffing itself for the coming impeachment hearings.
And that, more than anything else, is the reason they must be crushed into street scum and washed away come Election Day.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Jason Chaffetz Thinks He Can Take Just the Tip of Trump's Dick
Jason Chaffetz, a proud Republican congressman from Utah and a man who looks like a shit-flecked, tossed-out toilet scrub brush, announced proudly on his proud Twitter feed that he was taking a proud stand for America: "I will not defend or endorse @realDonaldTrump, but I am voting for him. HRC is that bad. HRC is bad for the USA." He followed this up by adding, "And I won't suck Mr. Trump's dick entirely, but I will just lick the tip."
Previously, Chaffetz had taken another mighty stand, proudly declaring that Republican presidential nominee and withered kumquat of doom Donald Trump was vile when he talked about pussy-grabbing. Said Chaffetz on CNN just 3 weeks ago, "I'm not going to put my good name and reputation and my family behind Donald Trump when he acts like this, I just can't do it," bemoaning that his 15 year-old daughter might be exposed to such Trumpian vulgarity.
Today, however, he said, "I don't actually have a good name. Seriously, have you seen me in action? I'm just a fucked-up, horrible human being whose only purpose will be to shit all over the presidency of Hillary Clinton and try to stop government from functioning by tying her up in endless bullshit investigations." He added, "My reputation is garbage and I kind of fucking hate my family, so, yeah, I'm gonna just place the tip of Mr. Trump's dick in my mouth. But I promise all of my constituents that I will not fully engorge his cock."
He continued, "Rest assured, people of Utah's 3rd Congressional District, I will lick a bit around Mr. Trump's prick hole, but I am not going to deep throat the entire shaft and grab it and jack it off while I suck and lick. I won't cup Mr. Trump's balls and swallow with a satisfied moan when he spurts hot jism into my face. I have ethics, as you all know. Instead, I will spend every waking moment obsessed with leaked emails, trying to desperately fuck that into a scandal that will nakedly appeal to Trump's voters so I can get more power."
And now enjoy a photo of Rep. Chaffetz gladly standing next to large purple dongs:
Previously, Chaffetz had taken another mighty stand, proudly declaring that Republican presidential nominee and withered kumquat of doom Donald Trump was vile when he talked about pussy-grabbing. Said Chaffetz on CNN just 3 weeks ago, "I'm not going to put my good name and reputation and my family behind Donald Trump when he acts like this, I just can't do it," bemoaning that his 15 year-old daughter might be exposed to such Trumpian vulgarity.
Today, however, he said, "I don't actually have a good name. Seriously, have you seen me in action? I'm just a fucked-up, horrible human being whose only purpose will be to shit all over the presidency of Hillary Clinton and try to stop government from functioning by tying her up in endless bullshit investigations." He added, "My reputation is garbage and I kind of fucking hate my family, so, yeah, I'm gonna just place the tip of Mr. Trump's dick in my mouth. But I promise all of my constituents that I will not fully engorge his cock."
He continued, "Rest assured, people of Utah's 3rd Congressional District, I will lick a bit around Mr. Trump's prick hole, but I am not going to deep throat the entire shaft and grab it and jack it off while I suck and lick. I won't cup Mr. Trump's balls and swallow with a satisfied moan when he spurts hot jism into my face. I have ethics, as you all know. Instead, I will spend every waking moment obsessed with leaked emails, trying to desperately fuck that into a scandal that will nakedly appeal to Trump's voters so I can get more power."
And now enjoy a photo of Rep. Chaffetz gladly standing next to large purple dongs:
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
"I've Got Guns" and Other Stupid Shit Sniveling Sore Losers Say About the Election
"I have a story for you," the millennial told me. I was all ears. This millennial, a young man, call him "Colin" because that's the first name I thought of, was tall and built like a bouncer at a high-end strip club. "Okay, this just happened at the gym.
"I was finished working out when I heard these two old white guys talking," he said. I interrupted him to ask him how old, since, you know, these days "older" is seeming less and less relative to me. "They were in their 70s."
"Good. That's old," I said.
"And they were talking about the election, about how much they wanted Donald Trump to win. They were saying that Hillary is such a bitch and fuck her and all that kind of shit. So I asked them, 'What are you gonna think if Hillary wins?' One of them said, 'Are you voting for that bitch?' I said, 'No, I'm going for Gary Johnson.'"
This is true. Colin had told me before that he was shitting his vote away on...sorry, supporting the Libertarian. That doesn't detract from the rest of the story.
He continued, "One old guy said, 'I'd watch out if Hillary wins. There are a lot of us who are going to do anything we can to stop her.' The other one is like 'I've got guns and I'll blow shit up if I have to.'"
Colin paused before asking, "Isn't that fucked up?"
I thought for a moment, remembering all the threats that have happened so far, all the right-wing groups that have threatened violence. I recalled just today that federal law enforcement was worried that Trump's poll watchers and assorted fucknuts and yahoos will try to cause trouble.
So I responded, "Oh, fuck those guys. They're not gonna do shit. They're gonna go online and rant for a bit and then jack off to the first big black dick porn they can find. Almost every single one of these worms is just crawling back underground, pissed off that their time in the sun is over. And the rest? If they ever get off a shot, they'll be crushed so fast by the cops and the feds that their ancestors will shit themselves."
Our fear of these pricks is exactly what they feed on. Like virtually all the best terrorists, the threat is more important than the action.
"I was finished working out when I heard these two old white guys talking," he said. I interrupted him to ask him how old, since, you know, these days "older" is seeming less and less relative to me. "They were in their 70s."
"Good. That's old," I said.
"And they were talking about the election, about how much they wanted Donald Trump to win. They were saying that Hillary is such a bitch and fuck her and all that kind of shit. So I asked them, 'What are you gonna think if Hillary wins?' One of them said, 'Are you voting for that bitch?' I said, 'No, I'm going for Gary Johnson.'"
This is true. Colin had told me before that he was shitting his vote away on...sorry, supporting the Libertarian. That doesn't detract from the rest of the story.
He continued, "One old guy said, 'I'd watch out if Hillary wins. There are a lot of us who are going to do anything we can to stop her.' The other one is like 'I've got guns and I'll blow shit up if I have to.'"
Colin paused before asking, "Isn't that fucked up?"
I thought for a moment, remembering all the threats that have happened so far, all the right-wing groups that have threatened violence. I recalled just today that federal law enforcement was worried that Trump's poll watchers and assorted fucknuts and yahoos will try to cause trouble.
So I responded, "Oh, fuck those guys. They're not gonna do shit. They're gonna go online and rant for a bit and then jack off to the first big black dick porn they can find. Almost every single one of these worms is just crawling back underground, pissed off that their time in the sun is over. And the rest? If they ever get off a shot, they'll be crushed so fast by the cops and the feds that their ancestors will shit themselves."
Our fear of these pricks is exactly what they feed on. Like virtually all the best terrorists, the threat is more important than the action.
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Donald Trump Gropes Innocent American Flag
Obviously, the sassy flag was asking for it.
More posting goodness tomorrow. Crazy ass day.
Late Post Today
You know sometimes having a job is like work.
Back later with more employable rudeness.
Back later with more employable rudeness.
Monday, October 24, 2016
When There Is No More Room in Hell, Pat Robertson Interviews Donald Trump
Desiccated ghoul and putative minister Pat Robertson was propped in a chair like a carcass left out in the sun too long in order to interview Republican presidential candidate and elderly yam Donald Trump today. It was, predictably, a combination of lies, savagery, and cold-fingered hand jobs.
There are so many moments of utter idiocy that it's almost hard to pick out the best-worst ones. For instance, talking about the Supreme Court's decision in DC v. Heller, which affirmed the individual's right to fuck up everyone else's day by owning oodles of guns, Trump praised Antonin Scalia and said that the opinion was "his last decision or one of his latter decisions." Which would be totally true if Scalia had blissfully died in 2008, when the Heller decision was issued, but that vile fucker lived another seven years. In other words, Trump has no idea when the Heller case was from.
Then the two old white men talked about third trimester abortions without saying a single honest word about it, and decrying that women should have the right to choose. Trump praised himself for getting "phone calls" from "pastors" who said they had "never heard anyone explain quite the way I explained it" at the recent debate with Hillary Clinton. Unless those callers told him, "Jesus fuck, Donnie, what you said was so much bullshit that you actual gave the nation brain damage," then they were liars.
Trump, who is not only a noted constitutional scholar (no, really, Robertson said that Trump knows more about the Constitution than Clinton) but obviously a medical doctor, went on to say, "Well, according to the rules of Hillary you can take the baby at nine months and you can imagine what you have to do to that baby to get it out. And you can take that baby at nine months and you can abort. And a day prior to birth you can take that baby. And I said that’s unacceptable.” And untrue, but, hey, fuck it, who cares when you can say something that sounds terrifying and the animated corpse of a hatemonger wearing the leathery and yellowed skin of a holy man agrees with you.
For a Jesus-huffer, Robertson sure loves him some war, and he asked Trump about Syria, which made Trump go off on his usual tangent about how Syria means Russia means Iran means something something oh, wait, Mosul. And then he talked about how he thinks the Mosul offensive (which, we should always be reminded, is being fought by the Iraqis and the Kurds, with an assist from us) is going to shit. He repeated his standard complaint that we "shouldn't have warned" anyone about the invasion and that the ISIS leaders probably escaped. Does he understand that the point of the invasion was to drive ISIS out of Mosul? And that if the leadership left, that means it might be easier to retake the city? Or is that just the kind of logic that his 200 generals or whatever the fuck are supporting him might deny? "I think it's being run by Obama," Trump said, as if a president directs the daily operations of a battle.
Honestly, the whole thing was repulsive, like watching two drooling, pox covered goblins face fuck each other while giggling madly and spraying their black orgasm. It ended, as such things do, with a climactic act of complete fucknuttery. Robertson asked Trump to pledge to "never lie" (except for national security because, fuck it, why not) if he becomes president. Trump, who has demonstrably, provably lied repeatedly and did so again during that very interview, agreed because, obviously, that's what liars do.
There are so many moments of utter idiocy that it's almost hard to pick out the best-worst ones. For instance, talking about the Supreme Court's decision in DC v. Heller, which affirmed the individual's right to fuck up everyone else's day by owning oodles of guns, Trump praised Antonin Scalia and said that the opinion was "his last decision or one of his latter decisions." Which would be totally true if Scalia had blissfully died in 2008, when the Heller decision was issued, but that vile fucker lived another seven years. In other words, Trump has no idea when the Heller case was from.
Then the two old white men talked about third trimester abortions without saying a single honest word about it, and decrying that women should have the right to choose. Trump praised himself for getting "phone calls" from "pastors" who said they had "never heard anyone explain quite the way I explained it" at the recent debate with Hillary Clinton. Unless those callers told him, "Jesus fuck, Donnie, what you said was so much bullshit that you actual gave the nation brain damage," then they were liars.
Trump, who is not only a noted constitutional scholar (no, really, Robertson said that Trump knows more about the Constitution than Clinton) but obviously a medical doctor, went on to say, "Well, according to the rules of Hillary you can take the baby at nine months and you can imagine what you have to do to that baby to get it out. And you can take that baby at nine months and you can abort. And a day prior to birth you can take that baby. And I said that’s unacceptable.” And untrue, but, hey, fuck it, who cares when you can say something that sounds terrifying and the animated corpse of a hatemonger wearing the leathery and yellowed skin of a holy man agrees with you.
For a Jesus-huffer, Robertson sure loves him some war, and he asked Trump about Syria, which made Trump go off on his usual tangent about how Syria means Russia means Iran means something something oh, wait, Mosul. And then he talked about how he thinks the Mosul offensive (which, we should always be reminded, is being fought by the Iraqis and the Kurds, with an assist from us) is going to shit. He repeated his standard complaint that we "shouldn't have warned" anyone about the invasion and that the ISIS leaders probably escaped. Does he understand that the point of the invasion was to drive ISIS out of Mosul? And that if the leadership left, that means it might be easier to retake the city? Or is that just the kind of logic that his 200 generals or whatever the fuck are supporting him might deny? "I think it's being run by Obama," Trump said, as if a president directs the daily operations of a battle.
Honestly, the whole thing was repulsive, like watching two drooling, pox covered goblins face fuck each other while giggling madly and spraying their black orgasm. It ended, as such things do, with a climactic act of complete fucknuttery. Robertson asked Trump to pledge to "never lie" (except for national security because, fuck it, why not) if he becomes president. Trump, who has demonstrably, provably lied repeatedly and did so again during that very interview, agreed because, obviously, that's what liars do.
Friday, October 21, 2016
Photos That Make Me Want to Shake Up a Bottle of Fullsteam Beer and Spray It in a Legislator's Face
That's a photo of the line to vote early in the presidential election. It's outside the Hope Mills Recreation Center in Hope Mills, North Carolina, where the GOP-controlled legislature has engaged in fuckery in cutting the number of hours of early voting, as well as reducing the number of polling places. This was all in an effort to, oh, shit, what? Save money? Prevent fraud? Which bullshit reason did they give for this?
The idea was to try to make it inconvenient for Democrats to vote, especially non-white Democrats because, as one federal judge said, "African Americans disproportionately used" early voting.
But, if you look at that photo up there, you can see that there are a whole lot of old and/or obese white people in Hope Mills being inconvenienced, too. The town is, after all, nearly 75% white. The county as a whole might have gone to Obama in 2008 and 2012, but the district has elected a Republican to the House for a good, long while.
So good job, North Carolina GOP. You did that. Enjoy your stupidity and cruelty, especially in the wake of Hurricane Matthew.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Random Observations From Watching Hillary Clinton Sodomize Donald Trump Repeatedly Last Night
1. From the beginning, the tone of last night's third presidential debate (aka "The Time an Orange Pussy Was Grabbed by a Former Secretary of State") was set from the first question from moderator Chris "Do You Still Love Me, Roger?" Wallace. It was about the Supreme Court and how the candidates view the role of the court and the Constitution. Democrat Hillary Clinton offered a thoughtful explanation of the Supreme Court as a check on the powerful. Republican candidate and imploding rage persimmon Donald Trump took a different tactic.
First, he talked about how one justice had totally dissed him: "Justice Ginsburg made some very, very inappropriate statements toward me." Then he veered into the one amendment he apparently has heard of: "We need a Supreme Court that in my opinion is going to uphold the Second Amendment, and all amendments, but the Second Amendment, which is under absolute siege." So don't worry, Third Amendment fans, you still won't be forced to quarter soldiers. In other words, Clinton said something that was real and possible and Trump followed up with ego, fantasy, and lies. That Clinton didn't respond to Trump's every answer with "The fuck are you saying? Yo, Chris, what the fuck is that? Fuck, fucking dumbfuck" before kicking him in the taint and sodomizing him with a dildo on principle is some kind of miracle of self-control.
2. Well, there was that one moment when Clinton said, "Let me translate that, if I can, Chris" when Trump was rattling off a stream of not-really-consciousness about the economy.
3. Clinton let her feminist freak flag fly in full last night with her response on a question about abortion. She gave up the total bullshit line that abortion should be "safe, legal, and rare" because, let's face it, it ain't ever gonna be rare. Instead, she offered absolute support for Roe v. Wade and, when asked about late-term abortions (when Wallace used the anti-choice dog whistle phrase "partial-birth abortion"), Clinton made an impassioned and compassionate case for its necessity: "The kinds of cases that fall at the end of pregnancy are often the most heartbreaking, painful decisions for families to make." Goddamn, it was great to see Clinton get her activist dander up for women's rights again.
3a. Trump responded, in one of his most mentally-challenged moments, that "based on what she's saying, and based on where she's going, and where she's been, you can take the baby and rip the baby out of the womb in the ninth month on the final day. And that's not acceptable." No, motherfucker, that's not an acceptable abortion. It is a c-section, however. No doctor is cutting open women and swinging babies around by their umbilical cords like it's on the end of a slingshot and tossing them in the garbage. To Donald Trump, compassion is what you show people who like you. Everyone else can suck it.
4. Trump, dude, fuckin' marry Putin already and move to Russia where he can rub bear oil on your pendulous man nips.
4a. And what the hell was all that dissing of American intelligence agencies? Trump was on some kind of paranoid rant about how "you don't know" that Russia wasn't behind email hacks when, like, every intelligence group says it was Russia. There are lots of reasons to criticize our spying for its invasion of Americans' privacy (a subject, like climate change, never brought up in the debates), but to go to the mat over what country hacked a private email account is a desperate play for one's lover's attention.
4b. Pendulous. Man. Nips.
5. Yeah, yeah, Clinton still seemed like she's stumbling around when asked about her email server. But, truly, what the fuck else is there to say? "I fucked up," she's told us time and again, and, unless you believe, like Trump, that the FBI is just a big scam to protect Hillary Clinton, how is the whole thing even relevant except as something, anything to use to criticize Clinton?
6. Trump said Clinton was responsible for the following things:
a. His use of Chinese steel in his buildings
b. His not paying income tax for 20 years
c. Women saying that he has assaulted them
d. The timing of the attack to take back Mosul
Seriously, if she's this powerful, we better fuckin' elect her or she's just gonna use her obvious wizard-abilities to murder us all like we're just Vince Fosters in a park.
7. Trump can't help himself with his misogyny. In addition to his condemnation of the women who said he tit-groped, force-kissed, and pussy fondled them, at one point, when Clinton said, "My Social Security payroll contribution will go up, as will Donald's, assuming he can't figure out how to get out of it," Trump proclaimed, "Such a nasty woman." Just to put this in context: By that point, late in the debate, Trump had said that Clinton had committed high crimes, is "crooked" and running a "crooked campaign," and shouldn't even have been allowed run for president. But, sure, implying that Trump, who has said he's proud he doesn't pay taxes, might weasel out of paying for Social Security, that's the nasty part. Trump has never been a position where he had to listen to woman tell him what a piece of shit he is when there was nothing he could do about it.
8. And, of course, Trump proved how this whole thing is just a fuckin' game to him when he said, in answer to a question about whether he would "accept" the outcome of the election, "I will look at it at the time. I'm not looking at anything now. I'll look at it at the time...What I'm saying is that I will tell you at the time. I'll keep you in suspense. OK?" And there it is. This is a goddamn sporting event, a very special episode of The Apprentice: Deplorables Edition to him. You got that sense earlier when he smirked that he should have won an Emmy for his idiot show. He followed up today with a coy "I'll totally accept" the election results "if I win,"
And what does that even mean? Fuckin' hell, Republicans, especially those in Congress, didn't accept Obama's election twice. Trump just said it too early. And Trump doesn't have to concede. That doesn't change the outcome of the election. He can stand there with his dick in his hands and pretend like some challenge he makes will change the outcome. But unless a court accepts it, he either has to lead his idiot hordes into revolution (which he won't and which, with maybe a couple of exceptions, they won't) or he has to slither back to his golden penthouse and pretend his entire life hasn't become a huge goddamn joke.
First, he talked about how one justice had totally dissed him: "Justice Ginsburg made some very, very inappropriate statements toward me." Then he veered into the one amendment he apparently has heard of: "We need a Supreme Court that in my opinion is going to uphold the Second Amendment, and all amendments, but the Second Amendment, which is under absolute siege." So don't worry, Third Amendment fans, you still won't be forced to quarter soldiers. In other words, Clinton said something that was real and possible and Trump followed up with ego, fantasy, and lies. That Clinton didn't respond to Trump's every answer with "The fuck are you saying? Yo, Chris, what the fuck is that? Fuck, fucking dumbfuck" before kicking him in the taint and sodomizing him with a dildo on principle is some kind of miracle of self-control.
2. Well, there was that one moment when Clinton said, "Let me translate that, if I can, Chris" when Trump was rattling off a stream of not-really-consciousness about the economy.
3. Clinton let her feminist freak flag fly in full last night with her response on a question about abortion. She gave up the total bullshit line that abortion should be "safe, legal, and rare" because, let's face it, it ain't ever gonna be rare. Instead, she offered absolute support for Roe v. Wade and, when asked about late-term abortions (when Wallace used the anti-choice dog whistle phrase "partial-birth abortion"), Clinton made an impassioned and compassionate case for its necessity: "The kinds of cases that fall at the end of pregnancy are often the most heartbreaking, painful decisions for families to make." Goddamn, it was great to see Clinton get her activist dander up for women's rights again.
3a. Trump responded, in one of his most mentally-challenged moments, that "based on what she's saying, and based on where she's going, and where she's been, you can take the baby and rip the baby out of the womb in the ninth month on the final day. And that's not acceptable." No, motherfucker, that's not an acceptable abortion. It is a c-section, however. No doctor is cutting open women and swinging babies around by their umbilical cords like it's on the end of a slingshot and tossing them in the garbage. To Donald Trump, compassion is what you show people who like you. Everyone else can suck it.
4. Trump, dude, fuckin' marry Putin already and move to Russia where he can rub bear oil on your pendulous man nips.
4a. And what the hell was all that dissing of American intelligence agencies? Trump was on some kind of paranoid rant about how "you don't know" that Russia wasn't behind email hacks when, like, every intelligence group says it was Russia. There are lots of reasons to criticize our spying for its invasion of Americans' privacy (a subject, like climate change, never brought up in the debates), but to go to the mat over what country hacked a private email account is a desperate play for one's lover's attention.
4b. Pendulous. Man. Nips.
5. Yeah, yeah, Clinton still seemed like she's stumbling around when asked about her email server. But, truly, what the fuck else is there to say? "I fucked up," she's told us time and again, and, unless you believe, like Trump, that the FBI is just a big scam to protect Hillary Clinton, how is the whole thing even relevant except as something, anything to use to criticize Clinton?
6. Trump said Clinton was responsible for the following things:
a. His use of Chinese steel in his buildings
b. His not paying income tax for 20 years
c. Women saying that he has assaulted them
d. The timing of the attack to take back Mosul
Seriously, if she's this powerful, we better fuckin' elect her or she's just gonna use her obvious wizard-abilities to murder us all like we're just Vince Fosters in a park.
7. Trump can't help himself with his misogyny. In addition to his condemnation of the women who said he tit-groped, force-kissed, and pussy fondled them, at one point, when Clinton said, "My Social Security payroll contribution will go up, as will Donald's, assuming he can't figure out how to get out of it," Trump proclaimed, "Such a nasty woman." Just to put this in context: By that point, late in the debate, Trump had said that Clinton had committed high crimes, is "crooked" and running a "crooked campaign," and shouldn't even have been allowed run for president. But, sure, implying that Trump, who has said he's proud he doesn't pay taxes, might weasel out of paying for Social Security, that's the nasty part. Trump has never been a position where he had to listen to woman tell him what a piece of shit he is when there was nothing he could do about it.
8. And, of course, Trump proved how this whole thing is just a fuckin' game to him when he said, in answer to a question about whether he would "accept" the outcome of the election, "I will look at it at the time. I'm not looking at anything now. I'll look at it at the time...What I'm saying is that I will tell you at the time. I'll keep you in suspense. OK?" And there it is. This is a goddamn sporting event, a very special episode of The Apprentice: Deplorables Edition to him. You got that sense earlier when he smirked that he should have won an Emmy for his idiot show. He followed up today with a coy "I'll totally accept" the election results "if I win,"
And what does that even mean? Fuckin' hell, Republicans, especially those in Congress, didn't accept Obama's election twice. Trump just said it too early. And Trump doesn't have to concede. That doesn't change the outcome of the election. He can stand there with his dick in his hands and pretend like some challenge he makes will change the outcome. But unless a court accepts it, he either has to lead his idiot hordes into revolution (which he won't and which, with maybe a couple of exceptions, they won't) or he has to slither back to his golden penthouse and pretend his entire life hasn't become a huge goddamn joke.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Pre-Debate Palate Cleanser: Oh, There's Way More Stupid to Gary Johnson
If you haven't yet watched John Oliver's genuinely brutal takedown of third party candidates Gary Johnson and Jill Stein, do yourself a favor and check it out. You'll get all kinds of bizarro fuckery and Stein's attempt at being Ani DiFranco.
But that only scratches the surface of the things that Libertarian candidate Johnson has on his own website, where everything is written in the drawl of Johnson's middle-aged stoner who just discovered weed is far more potent now than when he was a teenager. For instance, here's the actual language from the section "Environment," which is notable for having no plan for protecting the, you know, environment: "Is the climate changing? Probably so. Is man contributing to that change? Probably so. But the critical question is whether the politicians’ efforts to regulate, tax and manipulate the private sector are cost-effective – or effective at all."
That sort of "Eh, maybe, but whatcha gonna do? Shit happens" approach is pretty much the entirety of the Johnson/Weld platform. (And, by the way, a johnson weld sounds like an incredibly painful and ultimately useless operation to get a bigger penis.) Frankly, Johnson's got a boner for wrecking the environment, being pro-fracking and pro-fossil fuels expansion without trying to mitigate the effects of all of that.
Other issues are treated with basic Republican bullshit, except with an added twist of madness. In "Education," Johnson asserts, "[He] advocated a universally available program for school choice. Competition, he believes, will make our public and private educational institutions better." And Hunger Games will make our students learn how to survive the collapse of society. The mad twist, and, to be fair, he's not the first right-wing politician to propose this, is "he believes we should eliminate the federal Department of Education" and send everything to the states, which means that Alabama could pass a law saying that your Pell Grant can only be used for colleges that teach creationism is true and slavery was awesome.
Now, sure, sure, Johnson has policies that a liberal can love, like being pro-choice and pro-pot and anti-interventionist, but your cool uncle who'll drive you to your abortion and tell you why the Iraq War is bullshit while sharing his stash also has your usual "Oh, fuckin' c'mon" Ron Paul-ish beliefs, like a return to the gold standard for currency, cuts to and privatization of Social Security, and other shit. He likes ludicrous "religious freedom" laws and is against pretty much any gun laws, including schools as gun-free zones. He opposes raising the minimum wage and paid family and medical leave.
In other words, sure, if you're a Republican who cannot stomach a vote for Trump and doesn't give a shit about climate change and just would like to vote for a dumbass without a Hitler complex, well, have at.
(Note: No, I won't be doing one of these on Jill Stein because why?)
But that only scratches the surface of the things that Libertarian candidate Johnson has on his own website, where everything is written in the drawl of Johnson's middle-aged stoner who just discovered weed is far more potent now than when he was a teenager. For instance, here's the actual language from the section "Environment," which is notable for having no plan for protecting the, you know, environment: "Is the climate changing? Probably so. Is man contributing to that change? Probably so. But the critical question is whether the politicians’ efforts to regulate, tax and manipulate the private sector are cost-effective – or effective at all."
That sort of "Eh, maybe, but whatcha gonna do? Shit happens" approach is pretty much the entirety of the Johnson/Weld platform. (And, by the way, a johnson weld sounds like an incredibly painful and ultimately useless operation to get a bigger penis.) Frankly, Johnson's got a boner for wrecking the environment, being pro-fracking and pro-fossil fuels expansion without trying to mitigate the effects of all of that.
Other issues are treated with basic Republican bullshit, except with an added twist of madness. In "Education," Johnson asserts, "[He] advocated a universally available program for school choice. Competition, he believes, will make our public and private educational institutions better." And Hunger Games will make our students learn how to survive the collapse of society. The mad twist, and, to be fair, he's not the first right-wing politician to propose this, is "he believes we should eliminate the federal Department of Education" and send everything to the states, which means that Alabama could pass a law saying that your Pell Grant can only be used for colleges that teach creationism is true and slavery was awesome.
Now, sure, sure, Johnson has policies that a liberal can love, like being pro-choice and pro-pot and anti-interventionist, but your cool uncle who'll drive you to your abortion and tell you why the Iraq War is bullshit while sharing his stash also has your usual "Oh, fuckin' c'mon" Ron Paul-ish beliefs, like a return to the gold standard for currency, cuts to and privatization of Social Security, and other shit. He likes ludicrous "religious freedom" laws and is against pretty much any gun laws, including schools as gun-free zones. He opposes raising the minimum wage and paid family and medical leave.
In other words, sure, if you're a Republican who cannot stomach a vote for Trump and doesn't give a shit about climate change and just would like to vote for a dumbass without a Hitler complex, well, have at.
(Note: No, I won't be doing one of these on Jill Stein because why?)
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Melania Trump: Narcissist Wife Defends Narcissist Husband in the Most Narcissistic Way Possible
I sat down last night in front of the big-screen at Chez Rude with a tumbler of bourbon to enjoy snow-capped wood nymph Anderson Cooper's interview with Melania Trump, the wife of Republican nominee for president and flaming rage pig Donald Trump. Perhaps I would learn something. Perhaps it would give me an excuse to have several tumblers of bourbon. Instead, what you could glean from the interview was that powder is your friend when you're under bright lights and that Ms. Trump is as much of a narcissistic trash heap as her husband. In fact, she is everything that her husband is, except with proportionately longer fingers and possibly less inclination to maul women.
Let's see if we can count up the hypocrisies, lies, bullshit, and self-promotion that came out of the half-hour we all got to spend in the Trumps' fucking ugly Manhattan penthouse.
1. Melania Trump has no problem attacking the women who have accused her husband of unwanted advances and sexual assault. "This was all organized from the opposition and with the details that they go -- did they ever -- did they ever check the background of these women? They don't have any facts," Trump said, and that's pretty much exactly what the Trump campaign has accused Hillary Clinton of doing when it comes to the women who allege things about her husband. The big difference? If Clinton did try to disparage them, she never fucking did it in an interview or public forum.
2. Nothing is ever her husband's fault. She stated, flat out, "[E]verything was organized and put together to hurt him, to hurt his candidacy." When Cooper pressed her on this, asking if the media and the Clinton campaign were colluding, she responded, " Yes. Of course," as if it's the most obvious thing in the world, that, no shit, Anderson, Access Hollywood and NBC are working together to tank Trump.
3. This is not even to get into the totally pathetic excuse for Trump's campaign-wrecking audio where he admitted force-kissing and fondling women to a giggling Billy "Another Out-of-Work" Bush. "The language is inappropriate, it's not acceptable, and I was surprised because that is not the man that I know," Trump said. "And as you can see from the tape, the cameras were on. It was only a mike. And I wonder if they even knew that the mike was on because they were kind of boy talk and he was led on, like, egg on from the host to say dirty and bad stuff." If, say, Billy Bush had been heard saying, "And what about their pussies? Do you ever do anything to their pussies?" then, sure, that's egging on. But Trump did this on his own, not because of some Vulcan mind meld with bad boy Billy.
4. Did you know there are naked pictures of Melania Trump? Well, she was ready to remind you. Without being asked about them - just about the general treatment of her during the campaign, Trump brought up her early nude photos, reminding us that she has a body, ya'll: "I'm very proud I did those pictures. I'm not ashamed of my body. I feel very comfortable with myself and with my body. And they were taken for a European French magazine. And in Europe, we are proud of our bodies, no matter what size you are. And it was done as art, as a celebration of female body." Yes, Ms. Trump. We get it. You want people to look at the pictures.
5. What the fuck did she mean when she said that negative stories about her "surprised me also because every story, it's a female, it's a female reporter"? Is she saying that women are jealous of her? Of her body? Of her fatuous dick of a husband? Weird.
6. Donald Trump is a "gentleman" who just tells it like it is. You stupid proles misunderstand the depth of his honest honesty.
7. But, truly, the most fucked up thing in the interview was the conclusion, when Cooper asked Trump to fantasize about what she'd do as First Lady. Said a woman whose husband has professionalized trolling and childish name-calling online, "I see now in 21st century, the social media, it's very damaging for the children. We need to guide them and teach them about social media because I see a lot of negativity on it and we need to help them. It has some positive effect as well because this is the life that we live in now, but has a lot of negativity as well."
At that point, the word "hypocrisy" talked about killing himself but didn't do it while irony laughed at him.
Much bourbon was drunk.
Let's see if we can count up the hypocrisies, lies, bullshit, and self-promotion that came out of the half-hour we all got to spend in the Trumps' fucking ugly Manhattan penthouse.
1. Melania Trump has no problem attacking the women who have accused her husband of unwanted advances and sexual assault. "This was all organized from the opposition and with the details that they go -- did they ever -- did they ever check the background of these women? They don't have any facts," Trump said, and that's pretty much exactly what the Trump campaign has accused Hillary Clinton of doing when it comes to the women who allege things about her husband. The big difference? If Clinton did try to disparage them, she never fucking did it in an interview or public forum.
2. Nothing is ever her husband's fault. She stated, flat out, "[E]verything was organized and put together to hurt him, to hurt his candidacy." When Cooper pressed her on this, asking if the media and the Clinton campaign were colluding, she responded, " Yes. Of course," as if it's the most obvious thing in the world, that, no shit, Anderson, Access Hollywood and NBC are working together to tank Trump.
3. This is not even to get into the totally pathetic excuse for Trump's campaign-wrecking audio where he admitted force-kissing and fondling women to a giggling Billy "Another Out-of-Work" Bush. "The language is inappropriate, it's not acceptable, and I was surprised because that is not the man that I know," Trump said. "And as you can see from the tape, the cameras were on. It was only a mike. And I wonder if they even knew that the mike was on because they were kind of boy talk and he was led on, like, egg on from the host to say dirty and bad stuff." If, say, Billy Bush had been heard saying, "And what about their pussies? Do you ever do anything to their pussies?" then, sure, that's egging on. But Trump did this on his own, not because of some Vulcan mind meld with bad boy Billy.
4. Did you know there are naked pictures of Melania Trump? Well, she was ready to remind you. Without being asked about them - just about the general treatment of her during the campaign, Trump brought up her early nude photos, reminding us that she has a body, ya'll: "I'm very proud I did those pictures. I'm not ashamed of my body. I feel very comfortable with myself and with my body. And they were taken for a European French magazine. And in Europe, we are proud of our bodies, no matter what size you are. And it was done as art, as a celebration of female body." Yes, Ms. Trump. We get it. You want people to look at the pictures.
5. What the fuck did she mean when she said that negative stories about her "surprised me also because every story, it's a female, it's a female reporter"? Is she saying that women are jealous of her? Of her body? Of her fatuous dick of a husband? Weird.
6. Donald Trump is a "gentleman" who just tells it like it is. You stupid proles misunderstand the depth of his honest honesty.
7. But, truly, the most fucked up thing in the interview was the conclusion, when Cooper asked Trump to fantasize about what she'd do as First Lady. Said a woman whose husband has professionalized trolling and childish name-calling online, "I see now in 21st century, the social media, it's very damaging for the children. We need to guide them and teach them about social media because I see a lot of negativity on it and we need to help them. It has some positive effect as well because this is the life that we live in now, but has a lot of negativity as well."
At that point, the word "hypocrisy" talked about killing himself but didn't do it while irony laughed at him.
Much bourbon was drunk.
Monday, October 17, 2016
Watch the Debate with Jeff Kreisler and Me in Hoboken (Yeah, Hoboken)
Wednesday night is the last debate, which means that it's our last chance to yell at our screens when Donald Trump doesn't answer a question, insults Hillary Clinton to her face, and generally shits on the stage and democracy.
So why not come and do it with me and with writer/comedian Jeff Kreisler at a cool theatre in Hoboken, New Jersey? We'll be heckling the debate live at the Mile Square Theatre on 14th and Clinton St. You can get tickets in advance.
The show starts at 8:30 and then the main event begins at 9 p.m. There will be laughs. There will be treats. There will be tricks in the alley (probably). Mostly, though, we're gonna be as filthy and mean as we can possibly be
Get your tickets now and come on out. Heckle along with us. And, dear god, we'll get through this. Together, head held high, middle fingers in the air.
(Note: Yes, the trains are running fine.)
So why not come and do it with me and with writer/comedian Jeff Kreisler at a cool theatre in Hoboken, New Jersey? We'll be heckling the debate live at the Mile Square Theatre on 14th and Clinton St. You can get tickets in advance.
The show starts at 8:30 and then the main event begins at 9 p.m. There will be laughs. There will be treats. There will be tricks in the alley (probably). Mostly, though, we're gonna be as filthy and mean as we can possibly be
Get your tickets now and come on out. Heckle along with us. And, dear god, we'll get through this. Together, head held high, middle fingers in the air.
(Note: Yes, the trains are running fine.)
Yeah, Sorry, But Fuck Donald Trump's Supporters (and the GOP)
One of the biggest goddamn insults in this entire campaign has actually been propagated by some on the left: that we should reach out to the supporters of Donald Trump - a racially homogenous group who are fairly diverse economically - and try to either convince them to vote Democratic or, at the very least, understand the forces that have made them so resentful. And while this bleeding heart liberal wants to make sure that the poor Trump supporters get all the welfare, job training, housing support, education, health care, and more that we can provide, I'm sure as shit not gonna worry about hurting the feelings of dumb, racist motherfuckers for one big-ass reason.
See, I've lived in many a red state. Three of the states where I've lived are still squarely in the Trump column. I know the assholes who are voting for him: stick-up-the-ass evangelicals, racist fucknuts, proudly stupid drunks, and craven schemers who think Trump is gonna make them rich by some kind of magic. You wanna spend your time trying to tell these freaks and fascists that the Democratic Party is looking out for them, well, have at it. Mostly, what you'll find out is how much they hate having a black man as president and the various ways you can go fuck yourself.
But I know a shit-ton of people down South and in the Midwest, working- and middle-class whites, most of whom never went to college, some not even graduating from high school, who think Donald Trump is a fucking hateful fraud, a showboating pissant, and a giant talking turd. When you try to "figure out" what drives Trump supporters and think that those of us who say, "Yeah, fuck them" are smug coast-clinging liberals, you are insulting the fuck out of the millions of people in Trump country who grew up in similar circumstances and decided that being racist, sexist, Islamophobic, anti-immigrant, and conspiracy-theory-loving jerk is wrong and work to make their area of the United States a little more tolerant and progressive.
The Trump voters not only reject that, but they are actively working to turn back the clock and harm large groups of Americans. And we're supposed to be sympathetic to yahoos who seriously think there is going to be a revolution? Just because they might be addicted to opioids and had a shitty time getting a job that paid as much as the one they lost because of the policies of George W. Bush and are sad that their "way of life" is fading? Get the fuck out of here. (And, again, see the first paragraph. They should get every help the government can provide them.)
A couple of days ago, the Republican Party's office in Orange County, North Carolina, was firebombed by an unknown assailant who was incredibly clear and articulate in the graffiti left on a nearby building. A GoFundMe page was started by a Democrat in Boston to help provide money to rebuild the office, and over $13,000 was raised in a day or so. I totally get it: let's show them how we're good people. Let's take the high road and condemn violence (even though we don't know yet who did this and why). And if you wanna spend your money on that, have at.
But all I can think about is that it's the fuckin' North Carolina GOP, the HB2-lovin' motherfuckers. The gerrymandering, vote-blocking North Carolina GOP. Yeah, sorry, what happened sucks and it's great that no one was hurt, but if my money might help you support Trump or even Senator Richard Burr, I'd rather just give my cash to the homeless guy on my corner who keeps bugging me for change to buy cigarettes.
Why all this hate, huh? Why can't I just be a nice, empathetic liberal? Because we're no longer dealing with anything approaching a rational opponent. Today, John McCain said in an interview that Republicans in the Senate would block any Supreme Court nominee from a President Hillary Clinton. "I promise you that we will be united against any Supreme Court nominee that Hillary Clinton, if she were president, would put up," McCain really did say.
So we're facing a party that is trying to prevent people from voting, with a nominee that is actively inciting people to possible violence in order to undermine the very democracy that got him this goddamn far, and has elected officials who have made it their jobs to simply undo the will of the majority of Americans. I ain't playing nice with shitheels and ratfuckers, and I won't abide pompous blowhards and the fools who follow them.
See, I've lived in many a red state. Three of the states where I've lived are still squarely in the Trump column. I know the assholes who are voting for him: stick-up-the-ass evangelicals, racist fucknuts, proudly stupid drunks, and craven schemers who think Trump is gonna make them rich by some kind of magic. You wanna spend your time trying to tell these freaks and fascists that the Democratic Party is looking out for them, well, have at it. Mostly, what you'll find out is how much they hate having a black man as president and the various ways you can go fuck yourself.
But I know a shit-ton of people down South and in the Midwest, working- and middle-class whites, most of whom never went to college, some not even graduating from high school, who think Donald Trump is a fucking hateful fraud, a showboating pissant, and a giant talking turd. When you try to "figure out" what drives Trump supporters and think that those of us who say, "Yeah, fuck them" are smug coast-clinging liberals, you are insulting the fuck out of the millions of people in Trump country who grew up in similar circumstances and decided that being racist, sexist, Islamophobic, anti-immigrant, and conspiracy-theory-loving jerk is wrong and work to make their area of the United States a little more tolerant and progressive.
The Trump voters not only reject that, but they are actively working to turn back the clock and harm large groups of Americans. And we're supposed to be sympathetic to yahoos who seriously think there is going to be a revolution? Just because they might be addicted to opioids and had a shitty time getting a job that paid as much as the one they lost because of the policies of George W. Bush and are sad that their "way of life" is fading? Get the fuck out of here. (And, again, see the first paragraph. They should get every help the government can provide them.)
A couple of days ago, the Republican Party's office in Orange County, North Carolina, was firebombed by an unknown assailant who was incredibly clear and articulate in the graffiti left on a nearby building. A GoFundMe page was started by a Democrat in Boston to help provide money to rebuild the office, and over $13,000 was raised in a day or so. I totally get it: let's show them how we're good people. Let's take the high road and condemn violence (even though we don't know yet who did this and why). And if you wanna spend your money on that, have at.
But all I can think about is that it's the fuckin' North Carolina GOP, the HB2-lovin' motherfuckers. The gerrymandering, vote-blocking North Carolina GOP. Yeah, sorry, what happened sucks and it's great that no one was hurt, but if my money might help you support Trump or even Senator Richard Burr, I'd rather just give my cash to the homeless guy on my corner who keeps bugging me for change to buy cigarettes.
Why all this hate, huh? Why can't I just be a nice, empathetic liberal? Because we're no longer dealing with anything approaching a rational opponent. Today, John McCain said in an interview that Republicans in the Senate would block any Supreme Court nominee from a President Hillary Clinton. "I promise you that we will be united against any Supreme Court nominee that Hillary Clinton, if she were president, would put up," McCain really did say.
So we're facing a party that is trying to prevent people from voting, with a nominee that is actively inciting people to possible violence in order to undermine the very democracy that got him this goddamn far, and has elected officials who have made it their jobs to simply undo the will of the majority of Americans. I ain't playing nice with shitheels and ratfuckers, and I won't abide pompous blowhards and the fools who follow them.
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