The Rude Pundit on the Radio and in SF:
A couple of announcements first:
The Rude Pundit will be a guest on The Stephanie Miller Show on Monday, July 6 at 9:30 a.m. Eastern, 6:30 Pacific, and other times in-between. Check your local radio stations and/or internets for listenability. If you've never heard her before, she's an ass-kicker (and you like it). Oughta be a big time.
And the Rude Pundit will be in San Francisco on Sunday, July 26 at 7:30 p.m. at the Community Music Center for an event around his book, Staged Action: Six Plays from the American Workers' Theatre. Scroll down a bit on the event link. More details soon.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Why Glenn Beck Needs to Be Repeatedly Cock-Punched (Common Sense Edition):
No, no, not because he's the Mormon mad hatter who pollutes the cesspool known as Fox "news" even more than Steve Doocy or Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity, like the e coli in the turds floating in the water. And not because he let go unchallenged the assertion by Michael Scheuer, oozing in the guest chair like a hairy cyst, that al-Qaeda needs to blow the shit out of Someplace, USA in order for the nation to see that paranoia and bugfuck militarization is the only path. And not because Beck's smug, pudgy face, like Karl Rove mated with a scrub brush, seems to demand routine beatings.
No, it's because the profit-mongering prophet of American doom, who claims his new "book" (if by "book," you mean, "a large-fonted, white-space-filled stream of consciousness vomit that'd make James Joyce in his Finnegan's Wake days say, 'That makes no fucking sense'"), titled Common Sense, is based on Thomas Paine's pamphlet of the same name, just threw the badass founder under the bus.
Stirring the big pot of stupid that is his research, Beck ranted last night about some damn French book called The Coming Insurrection, which, Beck says, is "a call to arms for violent revolution, authored anonymously by a French group called the Invisible Committee who want to bring down capitalism." Now, you may say that it seems capitalists are doing a good enough job bringing down capitalism so completely that, like watching Jerry Lewis attempt to clean dishes, it's probably best to just stay out of the way, but then again, you are probably not a fucking moron. (And if you are, let the Rude Pundit say to you, "Yes, pudding is tasty.")
Before we get all high-mindedly upset that Beck would dare condemn one group for calling for violence for political change while allowing that gelatinous mold spore known as Michael Sheuer spit forth, let's put that aside and instead concentrate on this (follow the bouncing ball for a moment - it will lead you to the desire to punch a man in the taint): Beck says at one point, "This is the anti-Common Sense, where I call for peaceful protest." He's referring to his Common Sense, not Paine's.
In his Common Sense, Beck includes the entirety of Paine's because that way he doesn't have to write as much. And he frames Paine's 1776 publication in this way: "Paine asked simple questions and encouraged his fellow citizens to look at America's problems and its future with fresh eyes and a healthy dose of simple logic." Then, on page 90 of his "let's all join hands and return to a day that never existed" pile of tripe, Beck says, "This is not a call to arms or violence." He does not note that Paine's was a call to violence, if necessary. In his book, that is, where he tries desperately to claim Paine for himself. Because it suits his purpose. Because he's a manwhore.
So last night, while blubbering about this new book from France (thus automatically making it evil), Beck said, and this needs to be quoted in full not because the context makes it clearer - it makes it head-slappingly hilariouser, "This book has not even been released in this country yet. It has been passed hand to hand and via the Internet, much like the pamphleteers in pre-revolution America. Thomas Paine was one of them. He issued a call to arms. I am not doing that. You are an idiot if you start shooting people — all that does is delegitimize the cause. Be like Ghandi, like Martin Luther King."
The reason Glenn Beck ought to be cock-punched repeatedly is because you can't model your allegedly anti-violence book after someone trying to rally Americans to violence in rebellion and then, when trying to make another simple-minded point, hang that very person out to dry by comparing him to the authors of what you just called "a dangerous leftist book." In other words, you can't support Thomas Paine and support Gandhi (that's Fox's misspelling of the name above). It pretty much means you don't understand either.
But, fuck, if you're Glenn Beck, you're crazier than a shit fight at a monkeyhouse, and if it'll sell more of your shit and boost your ratings among the apes, then who the fuck cares if it makes any logical fuckin' sense.
(Oh, and even though this appears to call for violence against Glenn Beck, it is not a call for violence against Glenn Beck. See how that works?)
No, no, not because he's the Mormon mad hatter who pollutes the cesspool known as Fox "news" even more than Steve Doocy or Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity, like the e coli in the turds floating in the water. And not because he let go unchallenged the assertion by Michael Scheuer, oozing in the guest chair like a hairy cyst, that al-Qaeda needs to blow the shit out of Someplace, USA in order for the nation to see that paranoia and bugfuck militarization is the only path. And not because Beck's smug, pudgy face, like Karl Rove mated with a scrub brush, seems to demand routine beatings.
No, it's because the profit-mongering prophet of American doom, who claims his new "book" (if by "book," you mean, "a large-fonted, white-space-filled stream of consciousness vomit that'd make James Joyce in his Finnegan's Wake days say, 'That makes no fucking sense'"), titled Common Sense, is based on Thomas Paine's pamphlet of the same name, just threw the badass founder under the bus.
Stirring the big pot of stupid that is his research, Beck ranted last night about some damn French book called The Coming Insurrection, which, Beck says, is "a call to arms for violent revolution, authored anonymously by a French group called the Invisible Committee who want to bring down capitalism." Now, you may say that it seems capitalists are doing a good enough job bringing down capitalism so completely that, like watching Jerry Lewis attempt to clean dishes, it's probably best to just stay out of the way, but then again, you are probably not a fucking moron. (And if you are, let the Rude Pundit say to you, "Yes, pudding is tasty.")
Before we get all high-mindedly upset that Beck would dare condemn one group for calling for violence for political change while allowing that gelatinous mold spore known as Michael Sheuer spit forth, let's put that aside and instead concentrate on this (follow the bouncing ball for a moment - it will lead you to the desire to punch a man in the taint): Beck says at one point, "This is the anti-Common Sense, where I call for peaceful protest." He's referring to his Common Sense, not Paine's.
In his Common Sense, Beck includes the entirety of Paine's because that way he doesn't have to write as much. And he frames Paine's 1776 publication in this way: "Paine asked simple questions and encouraged his fellow citizens to look at America's problems and its future with fresh eyes and a healthy dose of simple logic." Then, on page 90 of his "let's all join hands and return to a day that never existed" pile of tripe, Beck says, "This is not a call to arms or violence." He does not note that Paine's was a call to violence, if necessary. In his book, that is, where he tries desperately to claim Paine for himself. Because it suits his purpose. Because he's a manwhore.
So last night, while blubbering about this new book from France (thus automatically making it evil), Beck said, and this needs to be quoted in full not because the context makes it clearer - it makes it head-slappingly hilariouser, "This book has not even been released in this country yet. It has been passed hand to hand and via the Internet, much like the pamphleteers in pre-revolution America. Thomas Paine was one of them. He issued a call to arms. I am not doing that. You are an idiot if you start shooting people — all that does is delegitimize the cause. Be like Ghandi, like Martin Luther King."
The reason Glenn Beck ought to be cock-punched repeatedly is because you can't model your allegedly anti-violence book after someone trying to rally Americans to violence in rebellion and then, when trying to make another simple-minded point, hang that very person out to dry by comparing him to the authors of what you just called "a dangerous leftist book." In other words, you can't support Thomas Paine and support Gandhi (that's Fox's misspelling of the name above). It pretty much means you don't understand either.
But, fuck, if you're Glenn Beck, you're crazier than a shit fight at a monkeyhouse, and if it'll sell more of your shit and boost your ratings among the apes, then who the fuck cares if it makes any logical fuckin' sense.
(Oh, and even though this appears to call for violence against Glenn Beck, it is not a call for violence against Glenn Beck. See how that works?)
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Mark Sanford's Line in the Twat:
So now we know: Mark Sanford likes anal. Totally and completely, he loves both taking the journey down the Hershey highway and being the road. Indeed, from his interview yesterday with AP, one can only infer that as long as he kept his cock away from other women's cunts, he felt safe that he wasn't betraying his wife or his mistress: "There were a handful of instances wherein I crossed the lines I shouldn't have crossed as a married man, but never crossed the ultimate line" with everyone not Argentinean.
So if you diagram a female body, one can assume where the lines were firm and where they were a bit fuzzy. Tits? More of a dotted line. Lips? No line at all. Such is the way for crawfishing politicians of all stripes. It's not that there's a vaginal wall, per se, but a kind of selective force field that prevents penile penetration, but allows fingers, tongues, and implements of various sorts. That went for all non-spouses except one, about whom Sanford actually said, "I will be able to die knowing that I had met my soul mate," a line that should automatically be accompanied with a ceremonial "handing over of the balls."
As the South Carolina governor said, comparing his other female encounters with his affair with Maria Chapur, "Without wandering into that field we'll just say that I let my guard down in all senses of the word without ever crossing the line that I crossed with this situation." Beware the fields you can wander into on a woman's body, motherfuckers, they're not just myths.
With Sanford being all kinds of little bitch about his affair - trying to justify it by saying shit like, "This was a whole lot more than a simple affair, this was a love story. A forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day," and offering that he is "trying" to fall back in love with his wife - without being man enough to just divorce his wife and move on with the women he is presumptively in love with, it's not that big a leap to assume that there was no line on the assholes of the other other women.
Indeed, if one wants to consummate with a woman and yet not violate any of her pentrative lines, the simple solution, and an obvious one, considering that Mark Sanford appears to be a bottom, even moreso than fellow South Carolinian Lindsey Graham, then probably Sanford offered up his own asshole to the women he met while going to "blow off steam" on male-only ventures to South America and elsewhere, as he told AP.
Yep, one can imagine that across the Andes and up and down the Amazon, from nothernmost Colombia to the southern tip of Chile, the people in the cities, the slums, the villages, are all familiar with the gulping, yowling sound Mark Sanford makes when he's fucked in the ass by a dildo, when a women he met dancing at some plaza took him back to her bed and he said, "Put on this strap-on. I'm married. With a mistress. There's lines I can't cross. Those lines are over your pussy. But don't worry. I'll ream your anus next."
In the deepest rainforest, in the hut of a tribe that has had little or no contact with the outside world, children ask their father, "What is that strange noise, like the sound a tamarin makes when it's getting eaten by a jaguar?"
And the father, probably with some long, sharp bone through his noise and a haircut like Moe Howard, will look sadly at his young ones and say, "That is the sound of a man crushing his own soul while something slams his prostate and makes him cum buckets." Of course, the sounds of birds, bugs, and jabbering monkeys would drown it out eventually.
(By the way, Dan Casey over at the Roanoke Times is running a contest with real prizes and shit. It's simple: Predict the next politician to go hiking the Appalachian Trail. Check it out.)
So now we know: Mark Sanford likes anal. Totally and completely, he loves both taking the journey down the Hershey highway and being the road. Indeed, from his interview yesterday with AP, one can only infer that as long as he kept his cock away from other women's cunts, he felt safe that he wasn't betraying his wife or his mistress: "There were a handful of instances wherein I crossed the lines I shouldn't have crossed as a married man, but never crossed the ultimate line" with everyone not Argentinean.
So if you diagram a female body, one can assume where the lines were firm and where they were a bit fuzzy. Tits? More of a dotted line. Lips? No line at all. Such is the way for crawfishing politicians of all stripes. It's not that there's a vaginal wall, per se, but a kind of selective force field that prevents penile penetration, but allows fingers, tongues, and implements of various sorts. That went for all non-spouses except one, about whom Sanford actually said, "I will be able to die knowing that I had met my soul mate," a line that should automatically be accompanied with a ceremonial "handing over of the balls."
As the South Carolina governor said, comparing his other female encounters with his affair with Maria Chapur, "Without wandering into that field we'll just say that I let my guard down in all senses of the word without ever crossing the line that I crossed with this situation." Beware the fields you can wander into on a woman's body, motherfuckers, they're not just myths.
With Sanford being all kinds of little bitch about his affair - trying to justify it by saying shit like, "This was a whole lot more than a simple affair, this was a love story. A forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day," and offering that he is "trying" to fall back in love with his wife - without being man enough to just divorce his wife and move on with the women he is presumptively in love with, it's not that big a leap to assume that there was no line on the assholes of the other other women.
Indeed, if one wants to consummate with a woman and yet not violate any of her pentrative lines, the simple solution, and an obvious one, considering that Mark Sanford appears to be a bottom, even moreso than fellow South Carolinian Lindsey Graham, then probably Sanford offered up his own asshole to the women he met while going to "blow off steam" on male-only ventures to South America and elsewhere, as he told AP.
Yep, one can imagine that across the Andes and up and down the Amazon, from nothernmost Colombia to the southern tip of Chile, the people in the cities, the slums, the villages, are all familiar with the gulping, yowling sound Mark Sanford makes when he's fucked in the ass by a dildo, when a women he met dancing at some plaza took him back to her bed and he said, "Put on this strap-on. I'm married. With a mistress. There's lines I can't cross. Those lines are over your pussy. But don't worry. I'll ream your anus next."
In the deepest rainforest, in the hut of a tribe that has had little or no contact with the outside world, children ask their father, "What is that strange noise, like the sound a tamarin makes when it's getting eaten by a jaguar?"
And the father, probably with some long, sharp bone through his noise and a haircut like Moe Howard, will look sadly at his young ones and say, "That is the sound of a man crushing his own soul while something slams his prostate and makes him cum buckets." Of course, the sounds of birds, bugs, and jabbering monkeys would drown it out eventually.
(By the way, Dan Casey over at the Roanoke Times is running a contest with real prizes and shit. It's simple: Predict the next politician to go hiking the Appalachian Trail. Check it out.)
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Scenes from a Drawdown:
Constructed with an opinion, offered without comment:
"Prime Minister Nouri al Maliki declared Sunday a national holiday. Iraqi TV stations have been running a countdown logo — 'Two days till June 30' — on all programming."
"Fireworks continued to light up the sky over Baghdad into the early hours on Tuesday, after thousands of Iraqis, an unprecedented number for a public post-war event, attended a party in a park where singers performed patriotic songs.
"'All of us are happy - Shias, Sunnis and Kurds on this day ... the Americans harmed and insulted us too much,' Waleed al-Bahadili, an Iraqi attending the celebrations, told the AFP news agency.
"Many Iraqis ignored an appeal by Tariq al-Hashemi, the Iraqi vice president, to stay away from crowded places during the US pullback, after more than 250 people were killed in bombings over the past 10 days."
"Speaking as a military parade marking the event was held deep inside the heavily fortified Green Zone, Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki said, 'The national united government succeeded in putting down the sectarian war that was threatening the unity and the sovereignty of Iraq.' He made no mention of the American military’s involvement in fighting here for the last six years, and more than 120,000 American troops remain on Iraqi soil.
"The military parade in the Green Zone on Tuesday — at the official monument to the unknown soldier — was attended primarily by Iraqi reporters and dignitaries. The public could not reach it because of extensive security restricting access to the area. Several American news organizations were also barred, including two television news networks and The New York Times, on the grounds that they did not have the appropriate badges. This seemed in part intended to signal that the Iraqi authorities were in charge."
"On June 30 major companies - including Exxon, Shell, BP and Total - will gather at Iraq's oil ministry in Baghdad for a two-day meeting to take part in the first bidding round for oil service contracts."
"An oil consortium led by British Petroleum has won a contract to develop a large oil field in Iraq, as dozens of international firms compete for the rights to the nation's oil and gas reserves. BP, along with China's CNPC, secured the contract for the Rumaila oil field on Tuesday, the largest of Iraq's six oil fields on offer to foreign and state-owned companies."
"Later this year, Iraq is due to offer another set of fields that are even more appealing since they are undeveloped."
"The 130,000 U.S. troops who remain are now tasked with supporting Iraqi troops and police, and will be unable to launch operations in the cities without Iraqi consent. A small number of Americans will stay in the cities to train, advise and coordinate with the Iraqi security forces."
Constructed with an opinion, offered without comment:
"Prime Minister Nouri al Maliki declared Sunday a national holiday. Iraqi TV stations have been running a countdown logo — 'Two days till June 30' — on all programming."
"Fireworks continued to light up the sky over Baghdad into the early hours on Tuesday, after thousands of Iraqis, an unprecedented number for a public post-war event, attended a party in a park where singers performed patriotic songs.
"'All of us are happy - Shias, Sunnis and Kurds on this day ... the Americans harmed and insulted us too much,' Waleed al-Bahadili, an Iraqi attending the celebrations, told the AFP news agency.
"Many Iraqis ignored an appeal by Tariq al-Hashemi, the Iraqi vice president, to stay away from crowded places during the US pullback, after more than 250 people were killed in bombings over the past 10 days."
"Speaking as a military parade marking the event was held deep inside the heavily fortified Green Zone, Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki said, 'The national united government succeeded in putting down the sectarian war that was threatening the unity and the sovereignty of Iraq.' He made no mention of the American military’s involvement in fighting here for the last six years, and more than 120,000 American troops remain on Iraqi soil.
"The military parade in the Green Zone on Tuesday — at the official monument to the unknown soldier — was attended primarily by Iraqi reporters and dignitaries. The public could not reach it because of extensive security restricting access to the area. Several American news organizations were also barred, including two television news networks and The New York Times, on the grounds that they did not have the appropriate badges. This seemed in part intended to signal that the Iraqi authorities were in charge."
"On June 30 major companies - including Exxon, Shell, BP and Total - will gather at Iraq's oil ministry in Baghdad for a two-day meeting to take part in the first bidding round for oil service contracts."
"An oil consortium led by British Petroleum has won a contract to develop a large oil field in Iraq, as dozens of international firms compete for the rights to the nation's oil and gas reserves. BP, along with China's CNPC, secured the contract for the Rumaila oil field on Tuesday, the largest of Iraq's six oil fields on offer to foreign and state-owned companies."
"Later this year, Iraq is due to offer another set of fields that are even more appealing since they are undeveloped."
"The 130,000 U.S. troops who remain are now tasked with supporting Iraqi troops and police, and will be unable to launch operations in the cities without Iraqi consent. A small number of Americans will stay in the cities to train, advise and coordinate with the Iraqi security forces."
Monday, June 29, 2009
Photos That Make the Rude Pundit Want to Down a Bowl of Soup with a 40 of Malt Liquor:
That's Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner there dishing out food to the homeless at the So Others Might Eat soup kitchen in DC last Thursday.
Geithner and other Treasury officials worked there for an hour, making it, officially, the least he could do.
Feel free to supply stimulus-related jokes. Bailout humor that mentions gruel is also welcome.
That's Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner there dishing out food to the homeless at the So Others Might Eat soup kitchen in DC last Thursday.
Geithner and other Treasury officials worked there for an hour, making it, officially, the least he could do.
Feel free to supply stimulus-related jokes. Bailout humor that mentions gruel is also welcome.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Clarence Thomas Wants to Yank on Pubescent Panties:
There's porn websites devoted to what Savana Redding experienced when she was a 13-year old at Safford Middle School in Arizona. Yep, child molesters unwilling to make the commitment, you can read stories and see fantasy photos and videos (using adults as children) where some poor girl is accused of having drugs or a weapon on her and is forced to strip in front of school officials. Usually, it's followed by a spanking or a lesbian three-way because nothing, apparently, gets an adolescent girl wetter than getting naked in front of older women and (most of the time) men. However, real life ain't a porn fantasy. That little girl doesn't want to fuck you, Humbert Humbert, and, in fact, grown ups horribly scar kids all the time.
Based on the info of a single student, fearing that she was carrying prescription strength Ibuprofen, maybe even, horror of horrors, Naproxen, Redding was brought to the school nurse's office and told to strip to her underwear in front of the nurse and another administrator. She was then ordered to pull out her bra and panties and shake them to make sure she wasn't hiding pills there. One imagines that the female administrator then told the tale of the strip search to the male principal. Redding, now 19, describes the search as the "most humiliating experience" of her life. No pills, by the way, were found. Do you feel filthy yet?
Still, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas thought that not only was this search eminently reasonable, but that the courts have no right calling "bullshit" and a violation of the 4th Amendment, as an 8-1 majority did. That's right: Antonin Scalia, a man who thinks torture is cool and gay sex isn't, thought the search was unreasonable. Fuckin' Samuel Alito, who once was the sole judge of three to say that an unwarranted (in that there was no warrant) strip search of a 10-year old girl was a-okay, thought that the Redding search was unreasonable. Every other justice did by Thomas.
Dahlia Lithwick said she had "never seen Justice Clarence Thomas laugh harder" than during the oral arguments on this case when Justice Breyer said that, during clothes changing in gym, "people did sometimes stick things in my underwear." And Thomas's dissent is about as disturbing as thinking of Clarence Thomas howling at laughter at Steven Breyer's young ass being violated.
Thomas blames Redding's behavior off school grounds as one excuse as to why the search was reasonable: "Several weeks later, another student, Jordan Romero, reported that Redding had hosted a party before the dance where she served whiskey, vodka, and tequila." He then goes on to try to demonstrate that the majority is wrong in saying, in essence, "Um, it was fucking ibuprofen. What the fuck?" For Thomas, a rule is a rule, motherfuckers, and if a school district has some hysterical-ass regulation about prescription drugs on campus, then there's no difference between something that you can get over the counter (remember: prescription strength ibuprofen is just like over-the-counter, but bigger. Solution? Take more over the counter ones) and oxycontin.
And he gets off on the panties: "Redding would not have been the first person to conceal pills in her undergarments," after which he cites a number of cases from his personal porn stash of Hanes-hideaways, ending with, "Nor will she be the last after today’s decision, which announces the safest place to secrete contraband in school." Yes, and if you can't take a glance at 13-year old snatch now, who knows what'll happen next? It's a slick slope to anarchy.
Thomas gets all DARE by talking about drug problems in school, but even he says, "Admittedly, the Ibuprofen and Naproxen at issue in this case are not the prescription painkillers at the forefront of the prescription-drug-abuse problem." And then, in a total bullshit moment, he tries to demonstrate how those drugs might be dangerous, which amounts to something like, "Well, you can sharpen them and stab someone."
"Preservation of order, discipline, and safety in public schools is simply not the domain of the Constitution," Thomas says, and yet here we are again. And, finally, after time and again saying that students have no rights, whether it was the days of locker search cases or piss tests or whatever, the Supreme Court has said that there is actually a last frontier they are not willing to cross, conservative and liberal, everyone except Clarence Thomas, who, one suspects, was sad that Redding's panties weren't presented as exhibit A.
There's porn websites devoted to what Savana Redding experienced when she was a 13-year old at Safford Middle School in Arizona. Yep, child molesters unwilling to make the commitment, you can read stories and see fantasy photos and videos (using adults as children) where some poor girl is accused of having drugs or a weapon on her and is forced to strip in front of school officials. Usually, it's followed by a spanking or a lesbian three-way because nothing, apparently, gets an adolescent girl wetter than getting naked in front of older women and (most of the time) men. However, real life ain't a porn fantasy. That little girl doesn't want to fuck you, Humbert Humbert, and, in fact, grown ups horribly scar kids all the time.
Based on the info of a single student, fearing that she was carrying prescription strength Ibuprofen, maybe even, horror of horrors, Naproxen, Redding was brought to the school nurse's office and told to strip to her underwear in front of the nurse and another administrator. She was then ordered to pull out her bra and panties and shake them to make sure she wasn't hiding pills there. One imagines that the female administrator then told the tale of the strip search to the male principal. Redding, now 19, describes the search as the "most humiliating experience" of her life. No pills, by the way, were found. Do you feel filthy yet?
Still, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas thought that not only was this search eminently reasonable, but that the courts have no right calling "bullshit" and a violation of the 4th Amendment, as an 8-1 majority did. That's right: Antonin Scalia, a man who thinks torture is cool and gay sex isn't, thought the search was unreasonable. Fuckin' Samuel Alito, who once was the sole judge of three to say that an unwarranted (in that there was no warrant) strip search of a 10-year old girl was a-okay, thought that the Redding search was unreasonable. Every other justice did by Thomas.
Dahlia Lithwick said she had "never seen Justice Clarence Thomas laugh harder" than during the oral arguments on this case when Justice Breyer said that, during clothes changing in gym, "people did sometimes stick things in my underwear." And Thomas's dissent is about as disturbing as thinking of Clarence Thomas howling at laughter at Steven Breyer's young ass being violated.
Thomas blames Redding's behavior off school grounds as one excuse as to why the search was reasonable: "Several weeks later, another student, Jordan Romero, reported that Redding had hosted a party before the dance where she served whiskey, vodka, and tequila." He then goes on to try to demonstrate that the majority is wrong in saying, in essence, "Um, it was fucking ibuprofen. What the fuck?" For Thomas, a rule is a rule, motherfuckers, and if a school district has some hysterical-ass regulation about prescription drugs on campus, then there's no difference between something that you can get over the counter (remember: prescription strength ibuprofen is just like over-the-counter, but bigger. Solution? Take more over the counter ones) and oxycontin.
And he gets off on the panties: "Redding would not have been the first person to conceal pills in her undergarments," after which he cites a number of cases from his personal porn stash of Hanes-hideaways, ending with, "Nor will she be the last after today’s decision, which announces the safest place to secrete contraband in school." Yes, and if you can't take a glance at 13-year old snatch now, who knows what'll happen next? It's a slick slope to anarchy.
Thomas gets all DARE by talking about drug problems in school, but even he says, "Admittedly, the Ibuprofen and Naproxen at issue in this case are not the prescription painkillers at the forefront of the prescription-drug-abuse problem." And then, in a total bullshit moment, he tries to demonstrate how those drugs might be dangerous, which amounts to something like, "Well, you can sharpen them and stab someone."
"Preservation of order, discipline, and safety in public schools is simply not the domain of the Constitution," Thomas says, and yet here we are again. And, finally, after time and again saying that students have no rights, whether it was the days of locker search cases or piss tests or whatever, the Supreme Court has said that there is actually a last frontier they are not willing to cross, conservative and liberal, everyone except Clarence Thomas, who, one suspects, was sad that Redding's panties weren't presented as exhibit A.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Mark Sanford Gets Some:
If you've ever fucked an Argentinean woman, you'd understand what he was going through. (Ah, Vera, if you ever make your way up here from Cordoba again, give a call.)
Let's give a bit of credit where it's due. Unlike so many other men (and, c'mon, it's always men), not only did South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford (R [unless you're Fox "news," which can reassign parties based on morality]) have the obligatory confessional announcement, but he stood there and took his lumps from the press. In his epic preface to his admission that he disappeared for five days because he was balling a woman in Argentina, Sanford said, "I guess where I'm trying to go with this is that there are moral absolutes and that God's law indeed is there to protect you from yourself, and there are consequences if you breach that. This press conference is a consequence." And he lived the consequence, taking questions, pathetically trying to explain that his deep desire to plunge his cock into the cunt of a woman not his wife was based on love (which it may very well have been), but ultimately nutting up and owning his fuck-up almost as far as he could at the moment.
Look at the end of the press conference. The poor bastard didn't want to stop talking, even after he had said,"Last question." It was as if his words would stop the bleeding, but they were not made of gauze, and eventually he had to be halted and led off by his staff, who, no doubt, were wondering what the fuck they were going to do with their lives. And Sanford looked utterly lost. If it was possible to eke out a turd of compassion for the man who was willing to starve his state's schools to make a political point, it was then. To read the emails between him and Maria the Mistress is to look at what real people say when they stumblingly, embarrassingly, try to reveal the confusing intensity of the urges of the heart and genitalia.
But, mostly, truly, fuck him. Chalk up another public dive for a repressed Christian conservative dickwad who had to have his midlife crisis in public. Republicans might as well change their motto to "We're probably fucking around on you."
It helps that Sanford was a self-righteous bag of douche about marriage all along, calling on Bill Clinton to resign, condemning gay marriage, putting himself out there as a model for husband and father. As he told closeted homosexual Steve Doocy on Fox and Friends on March 8, 2007, "My wife and I have four young sons, great little boys, but we're kind of focused on those guys. And then the rest of the day you've got your day job. And so like I say, we have our hands more than filled right here." Sounds like a man who's got his priorities straight, no?
Then there was his comment on Congressman Bob Livingston's confession of an affair during the Clinton impeachment process: "The bottom line, though, is he still lied. He lied under a different oath, and that is the oath to his wife. So it's got to be taken very, very seriously." That was from CNN's Crossfire on December 18, 1998.
And there's the very real possibility that his affair, which he says began only as a friendship eight years ago, consummated over a year ago, literally fucked away his chances to be John McCain's vice presidential candidate. On MSNBC on September 2, 2008, Norah O'Donnell asked, "You were vetted to some degree, right?" To which Sanford coyly responded, "Well, my wife and my kids vet me everyday." Yep, to push this narrative a bit further, Sarah Palin may have been inflicted on the lower 48 because Mark Sanford was busy going gaucho down on his mistress's pampas.
Yeah, he's done. For now. His wife said she tried to get him to stop fucking around. He didn't. And thus we see him, the man who thought he was confidently standing up to the bad federal government, reduced to asking for forgiveness from everyone in his life.
He should have resigned then and there not because he was advancing South Carolina's trade in his semen with Argentina, but because he abandoned his state while in office. He was willing to possibly give Livingston a pass because he didn't betray the oath of office, but, he said, Bill Clinton lied under oath and therefore should be out. Considering the violation of the trust of the people of South Carolina, who deserve to be able to at least know the governor is reachable during his brief time in office, Mark Sanford should have said that he's packing his shit up and leaving the job to the Republican lieutenant governor, who Sanford choked up for upon mention.
It's not the sex and it is the sex. All Bill Clinton asked of us when he didn't resign was to believe that he wouldn't lie about sex if ever asked under oath again. David Vitter asks us to believe that he won't be fucking hookers. Mark Sanford asks us to believe that he won't ever run off again. If you were a bettor, what's got the best odds?
There's more to this, of course. When we get to the red Corvette and the blow he snorted off Maria's tits, will anyone be surprised? Or when we get to how he misused the state's funds to keep the whole thing secret? Is any of this surprising anymore when it comes to the moral gatekeepers of this nation?
If you've ever fucked an Argentinean woman, you'd understand what he was going through. (Ah, Vera, if you ever make your way up here from Cordoba again, give a call.)
Let's give a bit of credit where it's due. Unlike so many other men (and, c'mon, it's always men), not only did South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford (R [unless you're Fox "news," which can reassign parties based on morality]) have the obligatory confessional announcement, but he stood there and took his lumps from the press. In his epic preface to his admission that he disappeared for five days because he was balling a woman in Argentina, Sanford said, "I guess where I'm trying to go with this is that there are moral absolutes and that God's law indeed is there to protect you from yourself, and there are consequences if you breach that. This press conference is a consequence." And he lived the consequence, taking questions, pathetically trying to explain that his deep desire to plunge his cock into the cunt of a woman not his wife was based on love (which it may very well have been), but ultimately nutting up and owning his fuck-up almost as far as he could at the moment.
Look at the end of the press conference. The poor bastard didn't want to stop talking, even after he had said,"Last question." It was as if his words would stop the bleeding, but they were not made of gauze, and eventually he had to be halted and led off by his staff, who, no doubt, were wondering what the fuck they were going to do with their lives. And Sanford looked utterly lost. If it was possible to eke out a turd of compassion for the man who was willing to starve his state's schools to make a political point, it was then. To read the emails between him and Maria the Mistress is to look at what real people say when they stumblingly, embarrassingly, try to reveal the confusing intensity of the urges of the heart and genitalia.
But, mostly, truly, fuck him. Chalk up another public dive for a repressed Christian conservative dickwad who had to have his midlife crisis in public. Republicans might as well change their motto to "We're probably fucking around on you."
It helps that Sanford was a self-righteous bag of douche about marriage all along, calling on Bill Clinton to resign, condemning gay marriage, putting himself out there as a model for husband and father. As he told closeted homosexual Steve Doocy on Fox and Friends on March 8, 2007, "My wife and I have four young sons, great little boys, but we're kind of focused on those guys. And then the rest of the day you've got your day job. And so like I say, we have our hands more than filled right here." Sounds like a man who's got his priorities straight, no?
Then there was his comment on Congressman Bob Livingston's confession of an affair during the Clinton impeachment process: "The bottom line, though, is he still lied. He lied under a different oath, and that is the oath to his wife. So it's got to be taken very, very seriously." That was from CNN's Crossfire on December 18, 1998.
And there's the very real possibility that his affair, which he says began only as a friendship eight years ago, consummated over a year ago, literally fucked away his chances to be John McCain's vice presidential candidate. On MSNBC on September 2, 2008, Norah O'Donnell asked, "You were vetted to some degree, right?" To which Sanford coyly responded, "Well, my wife and my kids vet me everyday." Yep, to push this narrative a bit further, Sarah Palin may have been inflicted on the lower 48 because Mark Sanford was busy going gaucho down on his mistress's pampas.
Yeah, he's done. For now. His wife said she tried to get him to stop fucking around. He didn't. And thus we see him, the man who thought he was confidently standing up to the bad federal government, reduced to asking for forgiveness from everyone in his life.
He should have resigned then and there not because he was advancing South Carolina's trade in his semen with Argentina, but because he abandoned his state while in office. He was willing to possibly give Livingston a pass because he didn't betray the oath of office, but, he said, Bill Clinton lied under oath and therefore should be out. Considering the violation of the trust of the people of South Carolina, who deserve to be able to at least know the governor is reachable during his brief time in office, Mark Sanford should have said that he's packing his shit up and leaving the job to the Republican lieutenant governor, who Sanford choked up for upon mention.
It's not the sex and it is the sex. All Bill Clinton asked of us when he didn't resign was to believe that he wouldn't lie about sex if ever asked under oath again. David Vitter asks us to believe that he won't be fucking hookers. Mark Sanford asks us to believe that he won't ever run off again. If you were a bettor, what's got the best odds?
There's more to this, of course. When we get to the red Corvette and the blow he snorted off Maria's tits, will anyone be surprised? Or when we get to how he misused the state's funds to keep the whole thing secret? Is any of this surprising anymore when it comes to the moral gatekeepers of this nation?
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Don't Buy the Right Wing's Argument on Obama (Continuing Yesterday's Discussion):
Every day, the Rude Pundit receives a couple of emails from people writing to mythical addresses, like "suckbarackstaint@youfuckintool.net" or some such shit. They're all about how we were such blind idiots for voting for President Obama because, they say, he's busy betraying everything they want. Yesterday, the Rude Pundit advised a bit of patience with the Obama administration as it opens the windows of the White House and looks out at the destruction left behind by the Bush administration. And, of course, people took offense, as if there's nothing between silence and screaming.
Here's the deal: urging the left to pull back some doesn't mean we don't push for our causes; it doesn't mean we simply roll over like we're being attacked by grizzlies, squinch our eyes shit, and hope that when we open them, the scars and wounds won't be too bad. It's not the activism. That never ends, no matter who's in the Oval Office. It's not pointing out when Obama looks like he's heading towards "screw you guys." No, it's this early hysteria and declarations of the failure of a not-six-month-old administration that the Rude Pundit is replying to.
If, as other problems are addressed, Obama is ignoring your pet one, well, fuck, remember: when he made all those shiny promises initially, he wasn't facing down an economy that's pushing unemployment into double digits.
The Rude Pundit is not naive. He knows well how this can all go to shit. He saw it with Bill Clinton, when some on the left at first mistook the moderately conservative Arkansas governor for a liberal. Essentially, it was buying the propaganda that the right was spewing about Clinton-as-hippie, just not to the purpose that they were spewing it. We went with their storyline because we wanted it to be true just so we could say, "Yeah, fuck you; in your face, assholes." It was exactly what conservatives wanted. If Bill Clinton didn't live up to your expectations, it's because you were too inundated with shit that fed your hopes, not the reality, and it allowed the right to control the storyline.
So the Rude Pundit wasn't naive when he voted for Obama, either. He never expected everything to be solved. And if you ever thought Obama was some bleeding heart liberal, then you were just a pawn of the right's remarkable ability to define the terms of the argument. You bought into their bullshit line. He is more liberal, yes, than anyone in a long, long time, But Obama's heart ain't draining.
None of this is to give Obama a pass. There have been fuck-ups, most prominently on gay rights issues and on issues of government transparency. These are not to be taken lightly. And when Obama's made explicit promises with timelines (as with Gitmo), he should be held to them (although you can bet that every seemingly firm date he mentioned in a campaign speech had a conditional clause near it - this is politics, motherfuckers).
Declaring Obama is "like Bush" or "as bad as Bush" because he hasn't immediately rescinded everything that bastard did is foolish. Maintaining the status quo on something for the time being is not the same as making it worse. (And, again, on things like transparency, where Glenn Greenwald has argued persuasively that Obama is going down the Bush path and laying new track, we should be upset.)
Patience is not endless. It's not like the recent Ted Rall cartoon that has Obama supporters hoping year by year that Obama will change as the country slips into dictatorship. Of course, we can't be idiots. But, hell, Rall already called on him to resign. Such sentiments, at this point, this early, are useless, with so much actually accomplished, with discussions occurring on issues like health care and, yes, gay rights, in ways that were unimaginable less than a year ago.
You will not get everything you want, dear progressive Obama voter. But you need to decide what's the tipping point and when. If you've already reached it, then your support was chimeric to begin with. And the next three and a half years are gonna seem awfully long.
Every day, the Rude Pundit receives a couple of emails from people writing to mythical addresses, like "suckbarackstaint@youfuckintool.net" or some such shit. They're all about how we were such blind idiots for voting for President Obama because, they say, he's busy betraying everything they want. Yesterday, the Rude Pundit advised a bit of patience with the Obama administration as it opens the windows of the White House and looks out at the destruction left behind by the Bush administration. And, of course, people took offense, as if there's nothing between silence and screaming.
Here's the deal: urging the left to pull back some doesn't mean we don't push for our causes; it doesn't mean we simply roll over like we're being attacked by grizzlies, squinch our eyes shit, and hope that when we open them, the scars and wounds won't be too bad. It's not the activism. That never ends, no matter who's in the Oval Office. It's not pointing out when Obama looks like he's heading towards "screw you guys." No, it's this early hysteria and declarations of the failure of a not-six-month-old administration that the Rude Pundit is replying to.
If, as other problems are addressed, Obama is ignoring your pet one, well, fuck, remember: when he made all those shiny promises initially, he wasn't facing down an economy that's pushing unemployment into double digits.
The Rude Pundit is not naive. He knows well how this can all go to shit. He saw it with Bill Clinton, when some on the left at first mistook the moderately conservative Arkansas governor for a liberal. Essentially, it was buying the propaganda that the right was spewing about Clinton-as-hippie, just not to the purpose that they were spewing it. We went with their storyline because we wanted it to be true just so we could say, "Yeah, fuck you; in your face, assholes." It was exactly what conservatives wanted. If Bill Clinton didn't live up to your expectations, it's because you were too inundated with shit that fed your hopes, not the reality, and it allowed the right to control the storyline.
So the Rude Pundit wasn't naive when he voted for Obama, either. He never expected everything to be solved. And if you ever thought Obama was some bleeding heart liberal, then you were just a pawn of the right's remarkable ability to define the terms of the argument. You bought into their bullshit line. He is more liberal, yes, than anyone in a long, long time, But Obama's heart ain't draining.
None of this is to give Obama a pass. There have been fuck-ups, most prominently on gay rights issues and on issues of government transparency. These are not to be taken lightly. And when Obama's made explicit promises with timelines (as with Gitmo), he should be held to them (although you can bet that every seemingly firm date he mentioned in a campaign speech had a conditional clause near it - this is politics, motherfuckers).
Declaring Obama is "like Bush" or "as bad as Bush" because he hasn't immediately rescinded everything that bastard did is foolish. Maintaining the status quo on something for the time being is not the same as making it worse. (And, again, on things like transparency, where Glenn Greenwald has argued persuasively that Obama is going down the Bush path and laying new track, we should be upset.)
Patience is not endless. It's not like the recent Ted Rall cartoon that has Obama supporters hoping year by year that Obama will change as the country slips into dictatorship. Of course, we can't be idiots. But, hell, Rall already called on him to resign. Such sentiments, at this point, this early, are useless, with so much actually accomplished, with discussions occurring on issues like health care and, yes, gay rights, in ways that were unimaginable less than a year ago.
You will not get everything you want, dear progressive Obama voter. But you need to decide what's the tipping point and when. If you've already reached it, then your support was chimeric to begin with. And the next three and a half years are gonna seem awfully long.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Barack Obama Is Not Afraid of You and He Will Kick Your Ass:
Disagree how you will with Barack Obama on some pretty serious issues (are we really debating whether or not to release a Gitmo detainee held because we mistook the video of him being tortured by al-Qaeda for him being trained as a suicide bomber?). Wonder who the fuck he's pleasing when it comes to some other issues (dude made some pretty explicit damn promises on the campaign trail when it came to Don't Ask, Don't Tell, among other shit). Accuse him of whatever you like, yell at him about whatever you like, call him a dirty smoker. But the man is trying to be a goddamned alchemist in transforming a vat of shit into a gold bathtub.
We're impatient, yes, yes, we are. The deluded who thought they were getting beautiful Barack to ride in on a giant stallion and slay the big, bad Bush machine are impatient. The realists who knew they were getting a really damn smart, slightly left of center guy in Obama and not an avenging liberal, they're impatient, too.
What the Obama administration has to do is the governing equivalent of having a threesome with hot-looking conjoined female twins attached at the vagina. Before you can even get to the fucking, you gotta separate them, make sure they have functioning pussies, and wait for them to heal. In other words, you gotta get back to "normal" before you can get to "awesome."
Or, in even otherer words, it's gonna take a fuck of a lot of work to get us back to zero, to the way things were before George W. Bush came in and pissed on our beds, raped our dogs, tied us up, set the house on fire, and left without calling 911. And then, once it's back to zero, we can talk about how it gets better. Doesn't make any of us less impatient and it doesn't excuse some of the shit Obama's doing (like continuing to argue the Bush administration side on cases left over from it), but we gotta recognize that the circumstances are: "We're fucked - can we be un-fucked?"
So at his news conference today, we got the Obama we elected, the cool, can't-be-fucked-with man who has answers up his sleeve that will make you wonder how the fuck he did that. To listen to his takedown of whiny ass insurance companies is to think that the man really does want to trick Americans into universal health care. And his exchange with Major Garrett of Fox "news" was a model for anyone going on that network: reject the premise and tell them how and where they can go fuck themselves.
Immediately after, on the CNNMSNBCFox, they were talking about how the man should have shown more anger when condemning the violence in Iran. But that misses the point entirely. By not getting all unhinged and finger wagging and stumblefucking into saying stupid shit like "With us or against us," Obama maintains strength.
We're five months away from the worst presidency in our history, heading in the opposite direction, thank Christ, Allah, whoever, or no one. But objects in the mirror are closer than they appear, motherfuckers. This ain't apologia and it ain't deluded belief. Just like we can yell that Democrats who oppose Obama's policies are forgetting that people who voted for the man knew what they were getting, so can we say to the jittery on the left that, despite the fact that getting fucked over is a very real possibility, we need to remember that we who voted for him also did so on the basis of trusting his judgment.
Time and again today, Obama kept telling us to be patient - that the health care debate was ongoing, that "we don't know yet how this thing is going to play out" in Iran, that we need to see how the first stimulus works out before talking about another one. Or, to put it simply, chill the fuck out.
Disagree how you will with Barack Obama on some pretty serious issues (are we really debating whether or not to release a Gitmo detainee held because we mistook the video of him being tortured by al-Qaeda for him being trained as a suicide bomber?). Wonder who the fuck he's pleasing when it comes to some other issues (dude made some pretty explicit damn promises on the campaign trail when it came to Don't Ask, Don't Tell, among other shit). Accuse him of whatever you like, yell at him about whatever you like, call him a dirty smoker. But the man is trying to be a goddamned alchemist in transforming a vat of shit into a gold bathtub.
We're impatient, yes, yes, we are. The deluded who thought they were getting beautiful Barack to ride in on a giant stallion and slay the big, bad Bush machine are impatient. The realists who knew they were getting a really damn smart, slightly left of center guy in Obama and not an avenging liberal, they're impatient, too.
What the Obama administration has to do is the governing equivalent of having a threesome with hot-looking conjoined female twins attached at the vagina. Before you can even get to the fucking, you gotta separate them, make sure they have functioning pussies, and wait for them to heal. In other words, you gotta get back to "normal" before you can get to "awesome."
Or, in even otherer words, it's gonna take a fuck of a lot of work to get us back to zero, to the way things were before George W. Bush came in and pissed on our beds, raped our dogs, tied us up, set the house on fire, and left without calling 911. And then, once it's back to zero, we can talk about how it gets better. Doesn't make any of us less impatient and it doesn't excuse some of the shit Obama's doing (like continuing to argue the Bush administration side on cases left over from it), but we gotta recognize that the circumstances are: "We're fucked - can we be un-fucked?"
So at his news conference today, we got the Obama we elected, the cool, can't-be-fucked-with man who has answers up his sleeve that will make you wonder how the fuck he did that. To listen to his takedown of whiny ass insurance companies is to think that the man really does want to trick Americans into universal health care. And his exchange with Major Garrett of Fox "news" was a model for anyone going on that network: reject the premise and tell them how and where they can go fuck themselves.
Immediately after, on the CNNMSNBCFox, they were talking about how the man should have shown more anger when condemning the violence in Iran. But that misses the point entirely. By not getting all unhinged and finger wagging and stumblefucking into saying stupid shit like "With us or against us," Obama maintains strength.
We're five months away from the worst presidency in our history, heading in the opposite direction, thank Christ, Allah, whoever, or no one. But objects in the mirror are closer than they appear, motherfuckers. This ain't apologia and it ain't deluded belief. Just like we can yell that Democrats who oppose Obama's policies are forgetting that people who voted for the man knew what they were getting, so can we say to the jittery on the left that, despite the fact that getting fucked over is a very real possibility, we need to remember that we who voted for him also did so on the basis of trusting his judgment.
Time and again today, Obama kept telling us to be patient - that the health care debate was ongoing, that "we don't know yet how this thing is going to play out" in Iran, that we need to see how the first stimulus works out before talking about another one. Or, to put it simply, chill the fuck out.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Photos That Take Us Beyond Neda:
Near the Iranian consulate in Istanbul yesterday, protesters show photos of the now-famously dead Neda and others killed and injured during protests in Tehran.
From a purely American perspective, selfishly so, this uprising in Iran has stabbed a hole in heart of any and all arguments for bombing that member of the axis of evil. Indeed, if it succeeds, nearly the entire raison d'etre for much of the right wing in this country, from the colonialist neocons to the "bomb Iran" yahoos, will be gone, flushed away like blood on the pavement of Tehran.
If, as George W. Bush says endlessly, freedom and democracy are what people desire, what Iran is showing that it has to come from the citizens, not from the imposition of conquerers in denial. Even if they fail, the marches will have humanized a people who have been demonized by our leaders for decades. And once that happens, the discussion of murdering thousands of them by us is over.
Near the Iranian consulate in Istanbul yesterday, protesters show photos of the now-famously dead Neda and others killed and injured during protests in Tehran.
From a purely American perspective, selfishly so, this uprising in Iran has stabbed a hole in heart of any and all arguments for bombing that member of the axis of evil. Indeed, if it succeeds, nearly the entire raison d'etre for much of the right wing in this country, from the colonialist neocons to the "bomb Iran" yahoos, will be gone, flushed away like blood on the pavement of Tehran.
If, as George W. Bush says endlessly, freedom and democracy are what people desire, what Iran is showing that it has to come from the citizens, not from the imposition of conquerers in denial. Even if they fail, the marches will have humanized a people who have been demonized by our leaders for decades. And once that happens, the discussion of murdering thousands of them by us is over.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
A New Gig for a Rude Favorite:
Yeah, yeah, it's a rare thing to give special linky goodness here, but the Rude Pundit's been reading DarkSyde at various and sundry blogs for years now. He's still the science writer at Daily Kos, and now he's got another gig, writing science policy posts over at the Examiner.com. It's geeky (and smart) as hell, but it'll get your head straight on shit what you hear in the news. And, hey, it's got his real name.
Check him out.
Yeah, yeah, it's a rare thing to give special linky goodness here, but the Rude Pundit's been reading DarkSyde at various and sundry blogs for years now. He's still the science writer at Daily Kos, and now he's got another gig, writing science policy posts over at the Examiner.com. It's geeky (and smart) as hell, but it'll get your head straight on shit what you hear in the news. And, hey, it's got his real name.
Check him out.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Finally, the End of the Tale:
The final part of this year's Rude at Bonnaroo epic, "Dawn of the Roo," has been posted. The horror, the horror.
The final part of this year's Rude at Bonnaroo epic, "Dawn of the Roo," has been posted. The horror, the horror.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
George W. Bush: Tan, Rested, Still a Total Dick:
Sometimes in this life you don't know whether you want someone to shut the fuck up or talk themselves blue. For instance, when your ex-husband is trying to tell some hot chick at a bar why he broke up the marriage. That fucker's gonna dig himself a deeper and deeper grave. Only a wave of very human pity would make you wish him to just be quiet, to not reveal things about your intimate moments, but as he describes how he felt stifled in the marriage, how he was looking for other "experiences" with other people, how he makes himself seem more and more like a selfish cockhole, there's just pleasure in experiencing the way he's burying himself alive.
That horrible, dirt-choking death spiral was on display last night in Erie, Pennsylvania, as former President George W. Bush (a phrase that's still worth savoring) spoke to the Manufacturer and Business Association meeting about...well, shit, something or other about how he sees the world. Bush vowed not to criticize President Barack Obama, which would be true if he hadn't criticized President Barack Obama.
Yes, in that squinty, smirky, cuntish way of his, Bush told the crowd, regarding the health care plan debate, "I worry about encouraging the government to replace the private sector when it comes to providing insurance for health care." About Gitmo, he said, "I'll just tell you that there are people at Gitmo that will kill American people at a drop of a hat and I don't believe that -- persuasion isn't going to work. Therapy isn't going to cause terrorists to change their mind." And when asked if Obama's policies were socialistic, Bush hemmed and hawed and said, "We'll see." You see what he did there? He said, "I'm not going to criticize my successor," which makes him seem like a mensch, and then he makes vague policy attacks that mask the criticism. It's lummox magic, the hoodoo of the mildly brain-damaged, like tricking a cat with a feather, and the crowd lapped it up like so very much spilled milk.
Others are already taking apart the fucktardery and general hypocrisy of Bush's speech and Q&A. There were other lines that were head-shake worthy, like the un-self-aware, ""Clearly, there's a level of frustration on the Iranian streets. It looks like it's not a very fair election." Yep, if anyone knows an unfair election when he sees it...
Mostly, though, what should frustrate all of us is that without the threat of prosecution hanging over his sunburnt head (seriously, dude, melanoma much?), we're going to have to deal with his nattering little passive-aggressive swipes. He doesn't have the guts to go full force into debating the policies because that would require knowledge of more than just the executive summaries, or "shit-what-people-told-me." He feels free when he should feel pursued. People paid $1500 a table for this shit. It's like rewarding a fat lion for wiping out an entire herd of gazelle.
Sometimes in this life you don't know whether you want someone to shut the fuck up or talk themselves blue. For instance, when your ex-husband is trying to tell some hot chick at a bar why he broke up the marriage. That fucker's gonna dig himself a deeper and deeper grave. Only a wave of very human pity would make you wish him to just be quiet, to not reveal things about your intimate moments, but as he describes how he felt stifled in the marriage, how he was looking for other "experiences" with other people, how he makes himself seem more and more like a selfish cockhole, there's just pleasure in experiencing the way he's burying himself alive.
That horrible, dirt-choking death spiral was on display last night in Erie, Pennsylvania, as former President George W. Bush (a phrase that's still worth savoring) spoke to the Manufacturer and Business Association meeting about...well, shit, something or other about how he sees the world. Bush vowed not to criticize President Barack Obama, which would be true if he hadn't criticized President Barack Obama.
Yes, in that squinty, smirky, cuntish way of his, Bush told the crowd, regarding the health care plan debate, "I worry about encouraging the government to replace the private sector when it comes to providing insurance for health care." About Gitmo, he said, "I'll just tell you that there are people at Gitmo that will kill American people at a drop of a hat and I don't believe that -- persuasion isn't going to work. Therapy isn't going to cause terrorists to change their mind." And when asked if Obama's policies were socialistic, Bush hemmed and hawed and said, "We'll see." You see what he did there? He said, "I'm not going to criticize my successor," which makes him seem like a mensch, and then he makes vague policy attacks that mask the criticism. It's lummox magic, the hoodoo of the mildly brain-damaged, like tricking a cat with a feather, and the crowd lapped it up like so very much spilled milk.
Others are already taking apart the fucktardery and general hypocrisy of Bush's speech and Q&A. There were other lines that were head-shake worthy, like the un-self-aware, ""Clearly, there's a level of frustration on the Iranian streets. It looks like it's not a very fair election." Yep, if anyone knows an unfair election when he sees it...
Mostly, though, what should frustrate all of us is that without the threat of prosecution hanging over his sunburnt head (seriously, dude, melanoma much?), we're going to have to deal with his nattering little passive-aggressive swipes. He doesn't have the guts to go full force into debating the policies because that would require knowledge of more than just the executive summaries, or "shit-what-people-told-me." He feels free when he should feel pursued. People paid $1500 a table for this shit. It's like rewarding a fat lion for wiping out an entire herd of gazelle.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Why Doesn't Jesus Want Us to Have a Health Care Plan?:
The Rude Pundit continues to be a member of the Super-Duper Prayer Team of the Family Research Council (motto: "The voices in our heads tell us that queers are icky") under a nom de rude. Every week, he receives orders on what he should spread his prayer seed on, and this week is especially meaty. Amidst all the prayers about us needing to afear the gays and their unholy desire to get married just like real people, there's this: "Last week, Senate Democrats began circulating the first draft of Sen. Kennedy's proposal for a sweeping government health care system. The Health, Education, Labor and Pensions committee is scheduled to hold public 'markup' sessions to finalize details on the bill in mid June. Of particular concern are the provisions for 'reproductive health services,' which is code language for federally funded abortion. The Senate Finance Committee will have its say, then the full Senate."
This is followed by how we need to pray: "May those who pray mount a prevailing effort to prevent this socialistic plan to take permanent control of over 17% of the American economy. May the American people and their representatives wield their power to reject this effort, as they did in 1993-94." Now that's a goddamned precise prayer. It makes a soul wonder what percentage of the American economy is the upper limit for we prayer warriors. And watch for abortion payments to become the screeching right's last stand on health care until they demand that all fertile women must carry frozen embryos before Orrin Hatch agrees to let the government pay for a few people's antibiotics.
This is followed by a list of bible verses that give us guidance on our prayers, a way to put more sticky notes in our home gospels. Like, on stopping health care reform, we should read Hosea 6:1-3, which says, "Come, and let us return unto the Lord: for he hath torn, and he will heal us; he hath smitten, and he will bind us up/ After two days will he revive us: in the third day he will raise us up, and we shall live in his sight/ Then shall we know, if we follow on to know the Lord: his going forth is prepared as the morning; and he shall come unto us as the rain, as the latter and former rain unto the earth." Or, in other words, the FRC seems to be saying that we shouldn't give a shit about doctors because an invisible sky wizard will heal us if we're willing to let his voice be in our heads. Why is it always three days with this bastard?
One might think that Jesus would want doctors for the poor because he's only one dude with the superpower of healing. And that shit's gotta wear a guy out.
The Rude Pundit continues to be a member of the Super-Duper Prayer Team of the Family Research Council (motto: "The voices in our heads tell us that queers are icky") under a nom de rude. Every week, he receives orders on what he should spread his prayer seed on, and this week is especially meaty. Amidst all the prayers about us needing to afear the gays and their unholy desire to get married just like real people, there's this: "Last week, Senate Democrats began circulating the first draft of Sen. Kennedy's proposal for a sweeping government health care system. The Health, Education, Labor and Pensions committee is scheduled to hold public 'markup' sessions to finalize details on the bill in mid June. Of particular concern are the provisions for 'reproductive health services,' which is code language for federally funded abortion. The Senate Finance Committee will have its say, then the full Senate."
This is followed by how we need to pray: "May those who pray mount a prevailing effort to prevent this socialistic plan to take permanent control of over 17% of the American economy. May the American people and their representatives wield their power to reject this effort, as they did in 1993-94." Now that's a goddamned precise prayer. It makes a soul wonder what percentage of the American economy is the upper limit for we prayer warriors. And watch for abortion payments to become the screeching right's last stand on health care until they demand that all fertile women must carry frozen embryos before Orrin Hatch agrees to let the government pay for a few people's antibiotics.
This is followed by a list of bible verses that give us guidance on our prayers, a way to put more sticky notes in our home gospels. Like, on stopping health care reform, we should read Hosea 6:1-3, which says, "Come, and let us return unto the Lord: for he hath torn, and he will heal us; he hath smitten, and he will bind us up/ After two days will he revive us: in the third day he will raise us up, and we shall live in his sight/ Then shall we know, if we follow on to know the Lord: his going forth is prepared as the morning; and he shall come unto us as the rain, as the latter and former rain unto the earth." Or, in other words, the FRC seems to be saying that we shouldn't give a shit about doctors because an invisible sky wizard will heal us if we're willing to let his voice be in our heads. Why is it always three days with this bastard?
One might think that Jesus would want doctors for the poor because he's only one dude with the superpower of healing. And that shit's gotta wear a guy out.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
In the Ten Minutes Between Jet Planes:
The Rude Pundit is between flights and only has time for a few words before being trash compacted into his seat.
This morning, driving to the Nashville airport, he was listening to mad, mad Glenn Beck's radio program. Here was the first half-hour of the show: Beck reading a letter from a listener in Arizona listing the dozen or so things that need to be done to make America a good place "again" - by the time the Arizonan got to some nutzoid babble about the threat to America posed by ACORN and the repetition of the phrase "we are coming for you," while insisting it wasn't about violence, the Rude Pundit was ready to give Arizona back to Mexico. ("Fuck it, here, have fun.") This was followed by an ad for Beck's forthcoming book, which he has titled, in a move so hubristic it made Donald Trump go, "Goddman, that fucker's a narcissist," Common Sense, a la the Thomas Paine revolutionary pamphlet. This was followed by Beck warning us about the collapse of civilization and the need for gold, which was, of course, an ad for a company that wants to sell you gold. And the Rude Pundit was a half-hour older.
And the Rude Pundit wondered: is this how we were during the Bush administration? Prostrate to our anger? Unwittingly giving our opposition as much ammunition as they needed?
The answer to that, and more, starting tomorrow. Fuck, gotta get to the plane.
Correction: In a previous incarnation, this post contained a screw-up in saying "Obama administration" instead of Bush. That's what you get when you're in a sweaty North Carolina airport.
The Rude Pundit is between flights and only has time for a few words before being trash compacted into his seat.
This morning, driving to the Nashville airport, he was listening to mad, mad Glenn Beck's radio program. Here was the first half-hour of the show: Beck reading a letter from a listener in Arizona listing the dozen or so things that need to be done to make America a good place "again" - by the time the Arizonan got to some nutzoid babble about the threat to America posed by ACORN and the repetition of the phrase "we are coming for you," while insisting it wasn't about violence, the Rude Pundit was ready to give Arizona back to Mexico. ("Fuck it, here, have fun.") This was followed by an ad for Beck's forthcoming book, which he has titled, in a move so hubristic it made Donald Trump go, "Goddman, that fucker's a narcissist," Common Sense, a la the Thomas Paine revolutionary pamphlet. This was followed by Beck warning us about the collapse of civilization and the need for gold, which was, of course, an ad for a company that wants to sell you gold. And the Rude Pundit was a half-hour older.
And the Rude Pundit wondered: is this how we were during the Bush administration? Prostrate to our anger? Unwittingly giving our opposition as much ammunition as they needed?
The answer to that, and more, starting tomorrow. Fuck, gotta get to the plane.
Correction: In a previous incarnation, this post contained a screw-up in saying "Obama administration" instead of Bush. That's what you get when you're in a sweaty North Carolina airport.
Monday, June 15, 2009
A Moment of Peace Before Wading Back Into the Shit:
On a two-lane country road, some-fuckin'-where in small town Tennessee this morning, on his way back from the Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival, the Rude Pundit encountered this man walking alone. After driving past him once, we turned around to find out what the hell was going on. Why? Because that's what you do. Because you are human. And when an old man with patchwork robes, long white beard, and a homemade crucifix on a staff crosses your path twenty miles out of any place you've ever heard, you stop and find out what's going on.
The Rude Pundit jumped out of the car and walked up to him. He said his name was Pilgrim George and that he walked the world, that he'd been through 41 countries, and that he was on his nonstop walking pilgrimage because God had told him to do it. He talks to all who wish, he owns almost nothing, he lives off the kindness of strangers.
After asking to take his picture, the Rude Pundit handed Pilgrim George some money. George asked if we had water, and we handed him two, a cold one from the ice chest and another one for later. He thanked us, blessed us, and went on his way.
In an era when all the fake Christians palm off their violence, their bigotry, and their hateful speech as being a case of God-mind reading, whether it's in shootings at clinics or Glenn Beck trying to convince us that small violence is an indicator of the hellish endtimes to come, and no matter where you stand on religion and Gods, it's encouraging to know that a man can put on tire tread bottomed sandals and wander the earth in order to ask us to be better people.
(Still feeling the hippie vibe and deep, bone-rattling exhaustion from the fest. Tomorrow, fuck peace and love.)
On a two-lane country road, some-fuckin'-where in small town Tennessee this morning, on his way back from the Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival, the Rude Pundit encountered this man walking alone. After driving past him once, we turned around to find out what the hell was going on. Why? Because that's what you do. Because you are human. And when an old man with patchwork robes, long white beard, and a homemade crucifix on a staff crosses your path twenty miles out of any place you've ever heard, you stop and find out what's going on.
The Rude Pundit jumped out of the car and walked up to him. He said his name was Pilgrim George and that he walked the world, that he'd been through 41 countries, and that he was on his nonstop walking pilgrimage because God had told him to do it. He talks to all who wish, he owns almost nothing, he lives off the kindness of strangers.
After asking to take his picture, the Rude Pundit handed Pilgrim George some money. George asked if we had water, and we handed him two, a cold one from the ice chest and another one for later. He thanked us, blessed us, and went on his way.
In an era when all the fake Christians palm off their violence, their bigotry, and their hateful speech as being a case of God-mind reading, whether it's in shootings at clinics or Glenn Beck trying to convince us that small violence is an indicator of the hellish endtimes to come, and no matter where you stand on religion and Gods, it's encouraging to know that a man can put on tire tread bottomed sandals and wander the earth in order to ask us to be better people.
(Still feeling the hippie vibe and deep, bone-rattling exhaustion from the fest. Tomorrow, fuck peace and love.)
Friday, June 12, 2009
Personal Day (Music Festival Edition):
Right now the Rude Pundit is in a hippie cooperative mudpit paradise surrounded by towns where there's as many Confederate flags as American. Yesterday he led a group of sweaty, half-dressed, half-painted campers in creating a machine that makes the sun. Today he'll lead them to the fountain to act out "taking a shower." He's half-mad from lack of sleep, good dope, and better beer. He was more or less held hostage by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog at 2 a.m. while the puppet ass raped Ernie from Sesame Street. He's not sure that was real, which is scary. What's scarier is that if it's not real, then he's hallucinating buttfucking puppets.
So while the Rude Pundit is incredibly enraged at what's going on with the right's reaction to the Holocaust Museum shooting, he'll wait 'til Monday to offer anything more than a barely articulate "Whafuck?"
And he'll defer to his Rude at Bonnaroo blog for the day. That'll be updated all weekend.
Right now the Rude Pundit is in a hippie cooperative mudpit paradise surrounded by towns where there's as many Confederate flags as American. Yesterday he led a group of sweaty, half-dressed, half-painted campers in creating a machine that makes the sun. Today he'll lead them to the fountain to act out "taking a shower." He's half-mad from lack of sleep, good dope, and better beer. He was more or less held hostage by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog at 2 a.m. while the puppet ass raped Ernie from Sesame Street. He's not sure that was real, which is scary. What's scarier is that if it's not real, then he's hallucinating buttfucking puppets.
So while the Rude Pundit is incredibly enraged at what's going on with the right's reaction to the Holocaust Museum shooting, he'll wait 'til Monday to offer anything more than a barely articulate "Whafuck?"
And he'll defer to his Rude at Bonnaroo blog for the day. That'll be updated all weekend.
Subscribe to:
Comments
(
Atom
)