A Quick Observation on This Evening's Fisticuffs:
Just because one does not toss shit at people for a couple of hours does not mean one is not a monkey.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
What Biden Ought To Say (Rude Version):
If at tonight's debate, Gwen Ifill asks Democratic vice presidential candidate Joe Biden whether he thinks Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is qualified to be president, and he doesn't say, "Gwen, let me speak for the vast majority of people in this country when I say, frankly and honestly, 'What the fuck?' No, really, What. The. Fuck. I mean, everyone's seen this goddamned idiot over here running around and playing national candidate dress-up. And isn't it embarrassing? Isn't it just so depressingly, godforsakenly embarrassing? C'mon, Republicans, you gotta hate yourselves for having to constantly defend her when she says something utterly incomprehensible or just plain friggin' dumb. You gotta hate yourselves for how far you've devolved.
"Really, what the fuck? And don't gimme that fuckin' little sour-faced sneer, Sarah, where you look like just sucked a sweaty hobo's cock. 'Cause you know it's true and every time you get asked a question that stumps you, which is every fuckin' question, and you get that look in your eyes like the deer laying on the road way after the headlights have gone by, you gotta wonder, 'What the fuck?' yourself. You're in over your head, and there ain't no life preserver here.
"Last week, we all had to watch while John McCain treated Barack Obama like he had just fucked McCain's daughter's lily-white snatch with his big black dick. Barack Obama fought for months to win the votes of his party to win the nomination. What the fuck did you do, Sarah? You ran a town that's the size of a Super Wal-Mart? You're a governor? Of fuckin' Alaska? Jesus fuckin' Christ, that means your only job is to see how much you can get away with fucking up the environment to squeeze a little more filthy oil lucre out of the wheezing earth so you can please the corporations that fuckin' own your state and to see how much you can afford to bribe the citizens there with Exxon's profits. And you're on stage with me? At best, you should be the second focus group-ready questioner in a townhall meeting, you know, the crazy Christian chick from a rural state no one gives a fuck about but we all have to pretend matters because of the electoral college.
"And you wanna make fun of me? Saying you were in 2nd grade when I was first in the Senate? Fuck you. You know what I was doing then while your daddy was showing you how to rip the intestines out of a moose or some such shit? I was trying to stop the Nixon administration from blowing the fuck out Cambodia. And when you were sashaying your ass around a stage in a swimsuit and heels, wondering if you could just handjob the judges backstage, I was facing down Ronald Reagan for his insane policies, including in Lebanon. But that'd be history and that requires you to think about more than whatever talking points John McCain has been jamming up your twat and down your throat for the last couple of months, which is the only time you've given a shit about more than how to use your office to get jobs for friends, take revenge on ex-in-laws, and get pretty, shiny presents.
"I don't wanna fuckin' hear about this dink anymore. I don't wanna know about how she went to five different safety schools before squeezing out a vanity degree like a turd from a constipated old man. I don't wanna hear about her retarded baby. I don't wanna hear about her knocked-up teenage daughter. I don't wanna hear about her fuckin' redneck husband. Fuck them. They are the ones who need to be led, not the ones who need to be leading. So I don't give a fuck about what Bush with boobs here has to say about jack shit. And you know what else? I don't wanna hear about the wisdom of small town America. You know where the Founders spent their time? In the cities. In Paris. In London. Small towns? That's called 'isolation.' And it's bullshit political talk for 'white,' Gwen. Oh, do I sound elitist? If it's elitist to want to elect people who actually have a thought in their head about more than whether or not to name the next child 'Remington' or 'Colt,' then, fine, fuck me, it's elitist.
"This ain't a fuckin' game, Gwen. It ain't a fuckin' beauty pageant where you can give a cross-eyed hummer to a flute and charm your way to second place. We already played let's-put-the-idiot-in-charge. How'd that work out, huh? So it ain't funny that we are actually having a serious discussion about someone who is caught off guard when asked for a newspaper she reads. It's not funny. Not when the top of her ticket is Old Geezer Grumpy McStrokeEye. So, no, Gwen, even if the economy was so good that everyone was knee deep in cash and pussy or cock, even if Osama bin Laden told all his people to go back to goat fucking and then killed himself, even if all of a sudden we discovered we could all power our cars cleanly with pig shit, even if the streets were paved with gold, Gwen, this fuckin' idiot, who couldn't discuss a foreign policy even though her soldier son's life depends on it and who couldn't even name the Exxon Valdez case, fer chrissake, oughta be arrested if she sets foot in Washington, DC," then the whole thing will be worthless.
If at tonight's debate, Gwen Ifill asks Democratic vice presidential candidate Joe Biden whether he thinks Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is qualified to be president, and he doesn't say, "Gwen, let me speak for the vast majority of people in this country when I say, frankly and honestly, 'What the fuck?' No, really, What. The. Fuck. I mean, everyone's seen this goddamned idiot over here running around and playing national candidate dress-up. And isn't it embarrassing? Isn't it just so depressingly, godforsakenly embarrassing? C'mon, Republicans, you gotta hate yourselves for having to constantly defend her when she says something utterly incomprehensible or just plain friggin' dumb. You gotta hate yourselves for how far you've devolved.
"Really, what the fuck? And don't gimme that fuckin' little sour-faced sneer, Sarah, where you look like just sucked a sweaty hobo's cock. 'Cause you know it's true and every time you get asked a question that stumps you, which is every fuckin' question, and you get that look in your eyes like the deer laying on the road way after the headlights have gone by, you gotta wonder, 'What the fuck?' yourself. You're in over your head, and there ain't no life preserver here.
"Last week, we all had to watch while John McCain treated Barack Obama like he had just fucked McCain's daughter's lily-white snatch with his big black dick. Barack Obama fought for months to win the votes of his party to win the nomination. What the fuck did you do, Sarah? You ran a town that's the size of a Super Wal-Mart? You're a governor? Of fuckin' Alaska? Jesus fuckin' Christ, that means your only job is to see how much you can get away with fucking up the environment to squeeze a little more filthy oil lucre out of the wheezing earth so you can please the corporations that fuckin' own your state and to see how much you can afford to bribe the citizens there with Exxon's profits. And you're on stage with me? At best, you should be the second focus group-ready questioner in a townhall meeting, you know, the crazy Christian chick from a rural state no one gives a fuck about but we all have to pretend matters because of the electoral college.
"And you wanna make fun of me? Saying you were in 2nd grade when I was first in the Senate? Fuck you. You know what I was doing then while your daddy was showing you how to rip the intestines out of a moose or some such shit? I was trying to stop the Nixon administration from blowing the fuck out Cambodia. And when you were sashaying your ass around a stage in a swimsuit and heels, wondering if you could just handjob the judges backstage, I was facing down Ronald Reagan for his insane policies, including in Lebanon. But that'd be history and that requires you to think about more than whatever talking points John McCain has been jamming up your twat and down your throat for the last couple of months, which is the only time you've given a shit about more than how to use your office to get jobs for friends, take revenge on ex-in-laws, and get pretty, shiny presents.
"I don't wanna fuckin' hear about this dink anymore. I don't wanna know about how she went to five different safety schools before squeezing out a vanity degree like a turd from a constipated old man. I don't wanna hear about her retarded baby. I don't wanna hear about her knocked-up teenage daughter. I don't wanna hear about her fuckin' redneck husband. Fuck them. They are the ones who need to be led, not the ones who need to be leading. So I don't give a fuck about what Bush with boobs here has to say about jack shit. And you know what else? I don't wanna hear about the wisdom of small town America. You know where the Founders spent their time? In the cities. In Paris. In London. Small towns? That's called 'isolation.' And it's bullshit political talk for 'white,' Gwen. Oh, do I sound elitist? If it's elitist to want to elect people who actually have a thought in their head about more than whether or not to name the next child 'Remington' or 'Colt,' then, fine, fuck me, it's elitist.
"This ain't a fuckin' game, Gwen. It ain't a fuckin' beauty pageant where you can give a cross-eyed hummer to a flute and charm your way to second place. We already played let's-put-the-idiot-in-charge. How'd that work out, huh? So it ain't funny that we are actually having a serious discussion about someone who is caught off guard when asked for a newspaper she reads. It's not funny. Not when the top of her ticket is Old Geezer Grumpy McStrokeEye. So, no, Gwen, even if the economy was so good that everyone was knee deep in cash and pussy or cock, even if Osama bin Laden told all his people to go back to goat fucking and then killed himself, even if all of a sudden we discovered we could all power our cars cleanly with pig shit, even if the streets were paved with gold, Gwen, this fuckin' idiot, who couldn't discuss a foreign policy even though her soldier son's life depends on it and who couldn't even name the Exxon Valdez case, fer chrissake, oughta be arrested if she sets foot in Washington, DC," then the whole thing will be worthless.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Photos That Make the Rude Pundit Want to Smoke Meth While Downing Moonshine:
That sign was defaced in Abingdon, Virginia. It's kind of par for the course this year.
Just in the last month: In Fulks Run, Virginia, someone painted the letters "KKK" on an Obama for President sign. For a really charming take, check out what the yahoo puke savages at some godforsaken discussion board for the deluded and self-defecating have to say. The best phrase? Put the article through "your jewspeak translator."
In Pittsfield Township, Michigan, just south of college town Ann Arbor, on an Obama billboard, "Black spray paint was used to draw three swastikas, Klan hoods, a poorly rendered Confederate flag; and to write 'KKK,' 'Rebel' and two racial slurs." The Rude Pundit loves the idea of a couple of drunk, racist fucktards trying to figure out how to draw a Confederate flag at 3 in the morning.
In Cookeville, Tennessee, another sign, another defacing. This one in the middle of the town. A friend tells the Rude Pundit that it was up for maybe a day before someone painted "nigger" and "KKK" on it.
In Edmond, Oklahoma, same story, different landscape. And in Spokane, Washington. And in Sacramento, California. In Upper Arlington, Ohio, the variation was to spray paint "Death Obama" on the house that had a sign in the yard.
This, of course, is not to mention the Oregon incident of the cardboard Obama hanged in effigy.
Yeah, most of these are just a couple of knuckle-dragging idiot teenagers or college students looking to do something stupid because they can't smoke enough basement meth to quell the despair in their lives or maybe they wanna impress some other shithead or whatever. But it still bespeaks a sorrowful, shameful infection that will never be cut out or cured. And that has to be actively ignored in this political season because there ain't enough time to address it.
Just a short reminder here today of what exactly we're up against.
That sign was defaced in Abingdon, Virginia. It's kind of par for the course this year.
Just in the last month: In Fulks Run, Virginia, someone painted the letters "KKK" on an Obama for President sign. For a really charming take, check out what the yahoo puke savages at some godforsaken discussion board for the deluded and self-defecating have to say. The best phrase? Put the article through "your jewspeak translator."
In Pittsfield Township, Michigan, just south of college town Ann Arbor, on an Obama billboard, "Black spray paint was used to draw three swastikas, Klan hoods, a poorly rendered Confederate flag; and to write 'KKK,' 'Rebel' and two racial slurs." The Rude Pundit loves the idea of a couple of drunk, racist fucktards trying to figure out how to draw a Confederate flag at 3 in the morning.
In Cookeville, Tennessee, another sign, another defacing. This one in the middle of the town. A friend tells the Rude Pundit that it was up for maybe a day before someone painted "nigger" and "KKK" on it.
In Edmond, Oklahoma, same story, different landscape. And in Spokane, Washington. And in Sacramento, California. In Upper Arlington, Ohio, the variation was to spray paint "Death Obama" on the house that had a sign in the yard.
This, of course, is not to mention the Oregon incident of the cardboard Obama hanged in effigy.
Yeah, most of these are just a couple of knuckle-dragging idiot teenagers or college students looking to do something stupid because they can't smoke enough basement meth to quell the despair in their lives or maybe they wanna impress some other shithead or whatever. But it still bespeaks a sorrowful, shameful infection that will never be cut out or cured. And that has to be actively ignored in this political season because there ain't enough time to address it.
Just a short reminder here today of what exactly we're up against.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Portrait of a Very Small Man in a Very Big Crisis:
Look at him there, with Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko yesterday. It's just after the Wall Street bailout - oh, wait, sorry - rescue bill failed because Republicans just don't give a happy monkey fuck about his opinions anymore. Look at him. He looks like nothing so much as the kid with spina bifida who everyone feels sorry for while he wheels around the high school cafeteria. Hunched over, suit rumpled, as Nixonian as any politician could look without actually being Nixon. And, remember, this is the official White House photo of the event.
Here's what he looked like in a Reuters picture, more manic depressive who just got out of bed than, say, leader of the free world, if such phrases have meaning anymore:
This morning when he spoke, he may as well have just said, "Can we just have the election tomorrow so I can get the hell out of here? Really, I'm just in the way," and, truly, would anyone have argued with him? Instead, he spouted nonsense like, "Producing legislation is complicated, and it can be contentious" and held to his standard lines no matter what the scenario, "The sooner we address the problem, the sooner we can get back on the path of growth and job creation." These were not words of comfort. They were words of utter diminution and defeat. He may as well have just walked out to the lectern and vomited.
The people of the United States do not want this bill. They do not want this bailout, and that's for so many reasons: we've been told for the last couple of decades how wealth equals wisdom, even if it's not Bill Gates-type wealth where somebody made something and sold it; we've been told that government only gets in the way of the free market; we've been told to invest in shit that's so complicated that we need fuckin' PhDs in post-fordist macroeconomic theory just to have a chance to understand our 401Ks; and we have completely lost faith in the small man in the White House, the man who made himself small and insignificant in the eyes of the people by design so that he may creep around and commit his crimes in the shadows. In times when we demand a benevolent giant, we have a syphilitic dwarf, mad Rumplestiltskin in a suit.
Another kind of leader might have truly realized the magnitude of what may happen if financial institutions are not stabilized (and let's not be fooled by yesterday's megadrop in the stock market - that's a fuckin' shell game - it's already up nearly 250 as this is written). That other kind of leader, even one who has made all the same mistakes as this one, might have pushed aside thoughts of himself and his legacy, been honest with people, and said, "Okay, look, you are all right about me. I fucked up. I fucked it all up. Iraq, Katrina, Afghanistan, the environment, whatever you wanna name. I should have never been president in the first place. But you gotta understand: it's real this time. The weapons have been found and they're about to go off under your feet and there's no one to torture to find out how to stop them from detonating." Oh, that such Jimmy Stewart fantasy moments were real.
He needed to level with us and speak to us straight, not with childish bullshit like, "That, no question, is a large amount of money. We're also dealing with a large problem." That's like reading us My Pet Goat instead of talking to us like we have a stake in whatever happens. He'll be gone in less than four months, rich and obligated to no one. He can go live in a mansion and wipe his ass with gold-leaf toilet paper for the rest of his years.
Once more, we needed him to stand tall. Once more, he did not. He could not. It's not his nature. Instead, he has opted to become even smaller, trying, as the picture there shows, to disappear into himself. And hoping that we don't even notice. He shouldn't worry. We stopped noticing him a long time ago.
Look at him there, with Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko yesterday. It's just after the Wall Street bailout - oh, wait, sorry - rescue bill failed because Republicans just don't give a happy monkey fuck about his opinions anymore. Look at him. He looks like nothing so much as the kid with spina bifida who everyone feels sorry for while he wheels around the high school cafeteria. Hunched over, suit rumpled, as Nixonian as any politician could look without actually being Nixon. And, remember, this is the official White House photo of the event.Here's what he looked like in a Reuters picture, more manic depressive who just got out of bed than, say, leader of the free world, if such phrases have meaning anymore:
This morning when he spoke, he may as well have just said, "Can we just have the election tomorrow so I can get the hell out of here? Really, I'm just in the way," and, truly, would anyone have argued with him? Instead, he spouted nonsense like, "Producing legislation is complicated, and it can be contentious" and held to his standard lines no matter what the scenario, "The sooner we address the problem, the sooner we can get back on the path of growth and job creation." These were not words of comfort. They were words of utter diminution and defeat. He may as well have just walked out to the lectern and vomited.
The people of the United States do not want this bill. They do not want this bailout, and that's for so many reasons: we've been told for the last couple of decades how wealth equals wisdom, even if it's not Bill Gates-type wealth where somebody made something and sold it; we've been told that government only gets in the way of the free market; we've been told to invest in shit that's so complicated that we need fuckin' PhDs in post-fordist macroeconomic theory just to have a chance to understand our 401Ks; and we have completely lost faith in the small man in the White House, the man who made himself small and insignificant in the eyes of the people by design so that he may creep around and commit his crimes in the shadows. In times when we demand a benevolent giant, we have a syphilitic dwarf, mad Rumplestiltskin in a suit.
Another kind of leader might have truly realized the magnitude of what may happen if financial institutions are not stabilized (and let's not be fooled by yesterday's megadrop in the stock market - that's a fuckin' shell game - it's already up nearly 250 as this is written). That other kind of leader, even one who has made all the same mistakes as this one, might have pushed aside thoughts of himself and his legacy, been honest with people, and said, "Okay, look, you are all right about me. I fucked up. I fucked it all up. Iraq, Katrina, Afghanistan, the environment, whatever you wanna name. I should have never been president in the first place. But you gotta understand: it's real this time. The weapons have been found and they're about to go off under your feet and there's no one to torture to find out how to stop them from detonating." Oh, that such Jimmy Stewart fantasy moments were real.
He needed to level with us and speak to us straight, not with childish bullshit like, "That, no question, is a large amount of money. We're also dealing with a large problem." That's like reading us My Pet Goat instead of talking to us like we have a stake in whatever happens. He'll be gone in less than four months, rich and obligated to no one. He can go live in a mansion and wipe his ass with gold-leaf toilet paper for the rest of his years.
Once more, we needed him to stand tall. Once more, he did not. He could not. It's not his nature. Instead, he has opted to become even smaller, trying, as the picture there shows, to disappear into himself. And hoping that we don't even notice. He shouldn't worry. We stopped noticing him a long time ago.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Fifth Anniversary Reader Shakedown Spectacular, Final Day:
Here we are. The official fifth anniversary date. Do you feel the universe heave an orgasmic sigh?
This afternoon, more answers to readers' questions. And if you wanna subscribe to the Rude Pundit's new podcast (and where you can find all the audio from last week), head on over to Podbean. You can even do it through your iTunes.
And today is the last day the hat'll be shaking on this street corner. If you wanna toss some cash into it, click over on the side or right here:
Oh, and tonight the Rude Pundit will be at Shoot the Messenger here in NYC, which will feature the morning news show parody Wake Up World and Lizz Winstead interviewing Naomi Wolf, stepping in for Bill Moyers.
Here we are. The official fifth anniversary date. Do you feel the universe heave an orgasmic sigh?
This afternoon, more answers to readers' questions. And if you wanna subscribe to the Rude Pundit's new podcast (and where you can find all the audio from last week), head on over to Podbean. You can even do it through your iTunes.
And today is the last day the hat'll be shaking on this street corner. If you wanna toss some cash into it, click over on the side or right here:
Oh, and tonight the Rude Pundit will be at Shoot the Messenger here in NYC, which will feature the morning news show parody Wake Up World and Lizz Winstead interviewing Naomi Wolf, stepping in for Bill Moyers.
John McCain's Pen Is "Kind of Old" and Other Observations at the First Presidential Debate:
1. Jim Lehrer's constant attempts to get the candidates to look at and speak to each other were just creepy, kind of like a gay porn director working with a couple of first-timers: "No, no, John, you have to look at Barack while you jack each other off."
2. John McCain looked like nothing so much as a plantation owner just after the end of the Civil War forced to have a conversation with one of his freed slaves. There's no way he was gonna look that nigger in the eye and allow him to think they're equals. Used to be you could lynch a darkie for addressing a white man by his first name. Now, they think they can talk to you like they're humans.
3. One surefire way to get that ever-elusive youth vote? Tell the young guy he doesn't understand the shit you're talking about. Seriously, McCain campaign, make sure the pissed-off old man keeps saying that Obama is naive. It makes him look so hip and in touch and ready to consider all ideas. Hey, how about adding this: "Senator Obama's music is too loud and I don't like his friends"? And keep using words like "festoon," as in "It was festooned with Christmas tree ornaments." Try "betokens" next debate.
4. The Rude Pundit has finally figured out what the strongest pro-war lobby is: the bracelet-making industry. More dead soldiers means more bracelets, and they come in pro-war relative and anti-war relative models.
5. When Barack Obama smiles at an attack, McCain's people ought to be shitting themselves. It was after one of those smiles that Obama pronounced his list of "Stuff What Johnny Maverick Was Wrong About As Regards Iraq." It was the law professor seeing an opening in a student's presentation to go in and gut him teach him a lesson.
6. Conversely, McCain should never, never smile. It is a truly chilling sight, akin to seeing a gang of zombie dwarfs with knives coming at you when you are cornered in an alley. McCain attempting charm is like a child molester trying to offer makeup tips at toddler beauty pageants - it's wrong, and it should never be allowed to happen.
7. Conversely, what the fuck was with McCain's Popeye-like under his breath muttering? That was McCain's slight pressure valve release for, surely, Obama twice almost made McCain blow up like a blocked cannon. You could look at McCain and see that he was picturing some NVA guy taunting him after a beating and that McCain recalled all those fantasies of crawling surreptitiously out of his cage to slit his captor's throat and bathing in the arterial spray. When Obama and McCain went to town over what Henry Kissinger said, McCain almost hulked out. Well, actually, it was more like that Looney Tunes short where Elmer Fudd drinks some Jekyll/Hyde formula. (Actually, Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny's not a bad analogy.)
8. Would Obama please point out that John McCain is only mavericky when he agrees with Democrats? And that most of that maverick shit happened over a decade ago? Otherwise, he's just another Republican stooge lining up to happily suckle from Bush's nipples, even longer than most. Motherfucker's been nursing even though those teats went dry a couple of years ago.
9. While Obama didn't beat up an old man, even if few old men have ever deserved to have their hips splintered in public worse than John McCain, he outdid Kerry and Gore by simply refusing to take any shit from McCain. You can complain, and you should, that he said McCain was right too often. And there were so many times Obama could have called McCain a "liar" or have said something like, "You'd follow bin Laden to the gate of Hell, but not Pakistan? Man, Pakistan must be harsh." Still, overall, Obama was Obama, cool, unflappable, and dignified. A motherfucking President, in case you can't remember what that's like. And McCain was McCain, a crazed coot who doesn't know who the fuck he is anymore. The most annoying guy at the nursing home.
10. Oh, yeah. On substance? Whatever. They each said shit that was true, shit that was false, shit that was spin. They each made in-the-moment gaffes (although McCain's history of Pakistan was, to put it mildly, dumb). People don't remember that, though. Remember: America is stupid. We don't actually care what they say. We care how they say it. And, as the Rude Pundit said a long time ago when he said everyone should wait for the debates before they get all worried about Obama, America doesn't wanna listen to a raspy, s-whistling Methuselah in training for the next four to eight years.
1. Jim Lehrer's constant attempts to get the candidates to look at and speak to each other were just creepy, kind of like a gay porn director working with a couple of first-timers: "No, no, John, you have to look at Barack while you jack each other off."
2. John McCain looked like nothing so much as a plantation owner just after the end of the Civil War forced to have a conversation with one of his freed slaves. There's no way he was gonna look that nigger in the eye and allow him to think they're equals. Used to be you could lynch a darkie for addressing a white man by his first name. Now, they think they can talk to you like they're humans.
3. One surefire way to get that ever-elusive youth vote? Tell the young guy he doesn't understand the shit you're talking about. Seriously, McCain campaign, make sure the pissed-off old man keeps saying that Obama is naive. It makes him look so hip and in touch and ready to consider all ideas. Hey, how about adding this: "Senator Obama's music is too loud and I don't like his friends"? And keep using words like "festoon," as in "It was festooned with Christmas tree ornaments." Try "betokens" next debate.
4. The Rude Pundit has finally figured out what the strongest pro-war lobby is: the bracelet-making industry. More dead soldiers means more bracelets, and they come in pro-war relative and anti-war relative models.
5. When Barack Obama smiles at an attack, McCain's people ought to be shitting themselves. It was after one of those smiles that Obama pronounced his list of "Stuff What Johnny Maverick Was Wrong About As Regards Iraq." It was the law professor seeing an opening in a student's presentation to go in and gut him teach him a lesson.
6. Conversely, McCain should never, never smile. It is a truly chilling sight, akin to seeing a gang of zombie dwarfs with knives coming at you when you are cornered in an alley. McCain attempting charm is like a child molester trying to offer makeup tips at toddler beauty pageants - it's wrong, and it should never be allowed to happen.
7. Conversely, what the fuck was with McCain's Popeye-like under his breath muttering? That was McCain's slight pressure valve release for, surely, Obama twice almost made McCain blow up like a blocked cannon. You could look at McCain and see that he was picturing some NVA guy taunting him after a beating and that McCain recalled all those fantasies of crawling surreptitiously out of his cage to slit his captor's throat and bathing in the arterial spray. When Obama and McCain went to town over what Henry Kissinger said, McCain almost hulked out. Well, actually, it was more like that Looney Tunes short where Elmer Fudd drinks some Jekyll/Hyde formula. (Actually, Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny's not a bad analogy.)
8. Would Obama please point out that John McCain is only mavericky when he agrees with Democrats? And that most of that maverick shit happened over a decade ago? Otherwise, he's just another Republican stooge lining up to happily suckle from Bush's nipples, even longer than most. Motherfucker's been nursing even though those teats went dry a couple of years ago.
9. While Obama didn't beat up an old man, even if few old men have ever deserved to have their hips splintered in public worse than John McCain, he outdid Kerry and Gore by simply refusing to take any shit from McCain. You can complain, and you should, that he said McCain was right too often. And there were so many times Obama could have called McCain a "liar" or have said something like, "You'd follow bin Laden to the gate of Hell, but not Pakistan? Man, Pakistan must be harsh." Still, overall, Obama was Obama, cool, unflappable, and dignified. A motherfucking President, in case you can't remember what that's like. And McCain was McCain, a crazed coot who doesn't know who the fuck he is anymore. The most annoying guy at the nursing home.
10. Oh, yeah. On substance? Whatever. They each said shit that was true, shit that was false, shit that was spin. They each made in-the-moment gaffes (although McCain's history of Pakistan was, to put it mildly, dumb). People don't remember that, though. Remember: America is stupid. We don't actually care what they say. We care how they say it. And, as the Rude Pundit said a long time ago when he said everyone should wait for the debates before they get all worried about Obama, America doesn't wanna listen to a raspy, s-whistling Methuselah in training for the next four to eight years.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Fifth Anniversary Weekend Treats:
The Rude Pundit is celebrating five years of deep, thrusting bloggery this week, posting audio clips and answering questions from readers. And today's offerings give a taste of the yin and yang, the sturm und drang, the Abbott and Costello bifurcation and symbiosis that's kept this blog a-runnin' lo this half-decade:
Today's question is a simple, forthright, and honest one from rude reader JellyRoll M., who asks, "Would you do Sarah Palin?"
Oh, dearest JellyRoll, in theory, the Rude Pundit would do at least two, if not three, of the people running for high office. (No way on McCain, and Biden, only if in a long dry spell and he was all that was around.)
However, the voice is one of the most sexually-appealing attributes of a lover, from low, intoned murmurs to high-pitched but throaty moans to dirty talk of all sorts, and, frankly, however attractive a person she might be, the idea of hearing Sarah Palin say, "Oh, yeah, cum on my tits and rub it in with your dick" is enough to make the Rude Pundit prefer masturbating to an Ecuadoran website dedicated to porn featuring one-legged burn victims.
Now, on the other end of the taste spectrum, is another audio clip from this month's protest march at the RNC in St. Paul. In this one, the Rude Pundit speaks with the sister of a Marine recently returned from Iraq as she marches with her family:
You can subscribe to the Rude Pundit's podcast. And if you wanna donate money for the Fifth Anniversary Reader Shakedown Spectacular (which ends Monday), you can it on the side or down here:
The Rude Pundit is celebrating five years of deep, thrusting bloggery this week, posting audio clips and answering questions from readers. And today's offerings give a taste of the yin and yang, the sturm und drang, the Abbott and Costello bifurcation and symbiosis that's kept this blog a-runnin' lo this half-decade:
Today's question is a simple, forthright, and honest one from rude reader JellyRoll M., who asks, "Would you do Sarah Palin?"
Oh, dearest JellyRoll, in theory, the Rude Pundit would do at least two, if not three, of the people running for high office. (No way on McCain, and Biden, only if in a long dry spell and he was all that was around.)
However, the voice is one of the most sexually-appealing attributes of a lover, from low, intoned murmurs to high-pitched but throaty moans to dirty talk of all sorts, and, frankly, however attractive a person she might be, the idea of hearing Sarah Palin say, "Oh, yeah, cum on my tits and rub it in with your dick" is enough to make the Rude Pundit prefer masturbating to an Ecuadoran website dedicated to porn featuring one-legged burn victims.
Now, on the other end of the taste spectrum, is another audio clip from this month's protest march at the RNC in St. Paul. In this one, the Rude Pundit speaks with the sister of a Marine recently returned from Iraq as she marches with her family:
You can subscribe to the Rude Pundit's podcast. And if you wanna donate money for the Fifth Anniversary Reader Shakedown Spectacular (which ends Monday), you can it on the side or down here:
Friday, September 26, 2008
A Quick Observation on Tonight's Activity:
If Obama had nudged McCain just a little bit more, either on climate issues or on meeting with foreign leaders, McCain would have exploded like a beached World War II mine bumped by an old man with a metal detector.
More on the debate on Monday. Tomorrow, more fifth anniversary fun.
If Obama had nudged McCain just a little bit more, either on climate issues or on meeting with foreign leaders, McCain would have exploded like a beached World War II mine bumped by an old man with a metal detector.
More on the debate on Monday. Tomorrow, more fifth anniversary fun.
What Obama Should Say (Rude Version):
If at tonight's debate, Jim Lehrer asks Barack Obama, "How do you answer your critics who say you lack the experience necessary to be President?" and the Democratic candidate doesn't say, "Experience? Are you fucking kidding me, Jim? Let's get that out of the way real quick. The Crypt Keeper over there chose as a running mate a fucking idiot who couldn't find Pakistan on a map even if it had a giant cock-shaped neon arrow pointing at it saying, 'It's here, bitch.' A fucking moose-slaughtering tool who thinks that Russia gives a happy monkey fuck about Alaska. So let's just shove that thought aside. And as for experience, that dead Eisenhower-looking motherfucker's been around DC for three decades, and his party had no holds barred power for six of the last eight. Where did that get us? No, no, fuck that.
"Now lemme say somethin' here directly to Johnny Maverick. Your America failed. Your version of this country, where we go and fight bullshit wars and where rich people are gonna be all generous with their money and where businesses will take care of themselves, that shit failed. It's done, Johnny Maverick. And this fuckin' wreckage is owned by the Republican president and the Republican Congress, and that includes you, motherfucker. You still stink of this shit, and no matter how hard you try to run, those gimpy little legs can't get you far enough away so that you don't smell like Uncle Sam just took a dump on you. You own this. You think you can just put it aside like some out-of-wedlock baby and wait for the DNA test to make you pay child support? No, motherfucker. You broke it, you bought it, you gotta carry it around with you. Every time you got down on those broken knees in front of George W. Bush and was first in line to take his dick in your mouth, you owned another piece of it, and now that he's come, you wanna spit? Fuck you. Swallow that shit, bitch.
"Goddamn, it must suck to be you right now. I mean, look around you, Johnny Maverick. Look at what the fuck is happening. People are losing their houses, businesses are gonna shutter up, jobs are disappearing, Afghanistan is falling apart, Iraq's only being held together by duct tape and the American military, Pakistan is fuckin' shooting at our soldiers, and China's just waitin', man, waitin' to step up and say, 'Hey, Russia, wanna dance on the grave of the United States?' And why is this happening? Because of every fucking thing that you believe in, Johnny Maverick. Aw, shit. That's gotta hurt.
"So many fuckin' things that you were wrong about in your life, from asking to go into combat in Vietnam to wanting to play with the big boys by getting involved with Charles Keating to being Mr. Deregulation and Monsieur Laissez-Faire to jumping on the Bush train when it was speeding into Iraq to letting your campaign become just an extension of everything you once claimed you hated. It's all been wrong. The sum total of your vast experience is to demonstrate what not to do. The nation's gonna crumble, motherfucker, and all you have to offer is how many dicks you're gonna suck because you think you're the one to get us out of the mess you made. It's like a rapist asking the woman whose apartment he broke into and beat to near unconsciousness before fucking her in the ass if he can pick up some milk for her at the corner grocery.
"But you keep suckin' away, Johnny Maverick, showin' all that shiny fuckin' experience, as you take 'em all, the cock of the evangelical right, the cock of Karl Rove, the cocks of lobbyists lined up around the block. Yeah, no wonder your cheeks are so goddamn stretched out, from trying to fit two or three in there at the same time. Oh, I'm sorry, Jim, did I offend a war hero? Was I too uppity? Kiss my black ass," then the debate will be useless.
If at tonight's debate, Jim Lehrer asks Barack Obama, "How do you answer your critics who say you lack the experience necessary to be President?" and the Democratic candidate doesn't say, "Experience? Are you fucking kidding me, Jim? Let's get that out of the way real quick. The Crypt Keeper over there chose as a running mate a fucking idiot who couldn't find Pakistan on a map even if it had a giant cock-shaped neon arrow pointing at it saying, 'It's here, bitch.' A fucking moose-slaughtering tool who thinks that Russia gives a happy monkey fuck about Alaska. So let's just shove that thought aside. And as for experience, that dead Eisenhower-looking motherfucker's been around DC for three decades, and his party had no holds barred power for six of the last eight. Where did that get us? No, no, fuck that.
"Now lemme say somethin' here directly to Johnny Maverick. Your America failed. Your version of this country, where we go and fight bullshit wars and where rich people are gonna be all generous with their money and where businesses will take care of themselves, that shit failed. It's done, Johnny Maverick. And this fuckin' wreckage is owned by the Republican president and the Republican Congress, and that includes you, motherfucker. You still stink of this shit, and no matter how hard you try to run, those gimpy little legs can't get you far enough away so that you don't smell like Uncle Sam just took a dump on you. You own this. You think you can just put it aside like some out-of-wedlock baby and wait for the DNA test to make you pay child support? No, motherfucker. You broke it, you bought it, you gotta carry it around with you. Every time you got down on those broken knees in front of George W. Bush and was first in line to take his dick in your mouth, you owned another piece of it, and now that he's come, you wanna spit? Fuck you. Swallow that shit, bitch.
"Goddamn, it must suck to be you right now. I mean, look around you, Johnny Maverick. Look at what the fuck is happening. People are losing their houses, businesses are gonna shutter up, jobs are disappearing, Afghanistan is falling apart, Iraq's only being held together by duct tape and the American military, Pakistan is fuckin' shooting at our soldiers, and China's just waitin', man, waitin' to step up and say, 'Hey, Russia, wanna dance on the grave of the United States?' And why is this happening? Because of every fucking thing that you believe in, Johnny Maverick. Aw, shit. That's gotta hurt.
"So many fuckin' things that you were wrong about in your life, from asking to go into combat in Vietnam to wanting to play with the big boys by getting involved with Charles Keating to being Mr. Deregulation and Monsieur Laissez-Faire to jumping on the Bush train when it was speeding into Iraq to letting your campaign become just an extension of everything you once claimed you hated. It's all been wrong. The sum total of your vast experience is to demonstrate what not to do. The nation's gonna crumble, motherfucker, and all you have to offer is how many dicks you're gonna suck because you think you're the one to get us out of the mess you made. It's like a rapist asking the woman whose apartment he broke into and beat to near unconsciousness before fucking her in the ass if he can pick up some milk for her at the corner grocery.
"But you keep suckin' away, Johnny Maverick, showin' all that shiny fuckin' experience, as you take 'em all, the cock of the evangelical right, the cock of Karl Rove, the cocks of lobbyists lined up around the block. Yeah, no wonder your cheeks are so goddamn stretched out, from trying to fit two or three in there at the same time. Oh, I'm sorry, Jim, did I offend a war hero? Was I too uppity? Kiss my black ass," then the debate will be useless.
Fifth Anniversary Reader Shakedown Spectacular, Day 4:
Cash from France, from Japan, from Salt Lake City, from New Jersey has been pouring into the Rude Pundit's porkpie hat as it's passed around the crowd. No, people, this ain't no church. It's just a little slab o' concrete in the big city of Left Blogsylvania with a guy on a box and a megaphone. But right now - do you feel it? - it's like a cathedral of rudeness.
The Rude Pundit's celebrating five years of spreading the good word like a large-headed lesbian has to open up the legs of her lover. And he's raising money because, well, shit, there's software upgrades and research and vodka, really good shit from Poland, all of which the Rude Pundit uses to bring you your daily hit.
So give because it hurts so good, like the tenth or so slap on your bare ass. Click on the side or tap the fire down below:
The Rude Pundit's also answering your questions and posting lots of audio shit this week. If ya got a question, send it on to: rudepundit(at)yahoo(dot)com. Today's question and audio treat'll be up this afternoon.
Cash from France, from Japan, from Salt Lake City, from New Jersey has been pouring into the Rude Pundit's porkpie hat as it's passed around the crowd. No, people, this ain't no church. It's just a little slab o' concrete in the big city of Left Blogsylvania with a guy on a box and a megaphone. But right now - do you feel it? - it's like a cathedral of rudeness.
The Rude Pundit's celebrating five years of spreading the good word like a large-headed lesbian has to open up the legs of her lover. And he's raising money because, well, shit, there's software upgrades and research and vodka, really good shit from Poland, all of which the Rude Pundit uses to bring you your daily hit.
So give because it hurts so good, like the tenth or so slap on your bare ass. Click on the side or tap the fire down below:
The Rude Pundit's also answering your questions and posting lots of audio shit this week. If ya got a question, send it on to: rudepundit(at)yahoo(dot)com. Today's question and audio treat'll be up this afternoon.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
The Rude Pundit Answers Readers' Questions, Part 2:
As part of his Fifth Anniversary Reader Shakedown Spectacular, the Rude Pundit is not just soliciting for bucks. Oh, no. He's invited the readers to write in with questions, selecting one or two a day to answer.
Today, we have one from across one of those oceans that don't protect us any longer. Rude reader Robbie from jolly ol' England asks, "What do you think (if anything) of British politics/current political figures? I have a (morbid?) fascination with American politics, but I can't really find any enthusiasm for the politics of my home country so it would be interesting to see if you follow things on this side of the pond at all."
Well, Robbie, if Keeley Hazell counts as a political figure, then the Rude Pundit is keenly interested in the UK's affairs. Otherwise, like many Americans, he is only selfishly interested in what you think of us. Or, for instance, what perverse twist of brain chemicals and blackmail made Tony Blair and George W. Bush buddies.
But this myopic view of the internal workings of other nations does mean that the Rude Pundit has followed how the British press and government have handled things like the war(s), Gitmo, and torture. In other words, he wants to see how badly we've fucked up your country, too, so he knows just what to apologize for when he visits.
Note: You don't need to donate to ask the Rude Pundit questions. But if you wanna toss some cash into the hat, click on the side or right here, buddy:
As part of his Fifth Anniversary Reader Shakedown Spectacular, the Rude Pundit is not just soliciting for bucks. Oh, no. He's invited the readers to write in with questions, selecting one or two a day to answer.
Today, we have one from across one of those oceans that don't protect us any longer. Rude reader Robbie from jolly ol' England asks, "What do you think (if anything) of British politics/current political figures? I have a (morbid?) fascination with American politics, but I can't really find any enthusiasm for the politics of my home country so it would be interesting to see if you follow things on this side of the pond at all."
Well, Robbie, if Keeley Hazell counts as a political figure, then the Rude Pundit is keenly interested in the UK's affairs. Otherwise, like many Americans, he is only selfishly interested in what you think of us. Or, for instance, what perverse twist of brain chemicals and blackmail made Tony Blair and George W. Bush buddies.
But this myopic view of the internal workings of other nations does mean that the Rude Pundit has followed how the British press and government have handled things like the war(s), Gitmo, and torture. In other words, he wants to see how badly we've fucked up your country, too, so he knows just what to apologize for when he visits.
Note: You don't need to donate to ask the Rude Pundit questions. But if you wanna toss some cash into the hat, click on the side or right here, buddy:
Notes on the Crisis: A Few Observations Regarding These Frantic Days:
1. Watching President Bush last night, the Rude Pundit finally figured out what really happened this past week. Bush had the drawn, pale look of a man who either just found out he was sentenced to ten years in a Turkish prison or just ran out of toilet paper while having burning diarrhea or, you know, both (god, that'd suck so bad). Here's why: he gambled that this collapse of the investment banks would hold off until he was out of office. And he lost.
No, the Rude Pundit has no evidence to back that up. Except that the warning signs have been there for over a year and that they knew it was coming at some point because the plan the administration released had been in the works. But the original bailout proposal was a contingency plan. That's why it was such a bullshit document. The hope was that the Jenga pieces would tilt and teeter but stay up for another four months, and then, adios, motherfuckers, enjoy the new depression.
If one was conspiracy-minded, one could say it's the perfect Rovean way to fuck over what has long-expected to be a winning Democratic candidate for president. You wanna set up, say, Jeb for 2012? Make Obama into Hoover. Instead, like a teenaged boy stumbling to get his ex-babysitter's bra off, the whole thing blew up prematurely. And thus instead of getting to do the fucking, Bush is just sticky with his own spooge.
2. And John McCain took some of it in his left eye yesterday, apparently. The Republican candidate's bullshit statement about suspending his campaign has to be the final self-degradation for anyone who still had any thought that this was an honorable or capable person.
For, see, McCain's self-righteous insertion of himself into the bailout process that was well underway was just a way to shiv Obama. Here's how this played out: Obama, in one of those charmingly rational but ultimately naive ways of his, reached out to McCain in the hopes of doing something truly bipartisan (even if it was nonsense that it would be "above politics") and release a perfectly innocuous joint statement saying, well, nothing really, but, still, it was something to do. So McCain's people decided there's no way that cocksucker Obama is gonna look all presidential and shit, so they dicked Obama around and then sent out McCain, left eye sagging with Bush jizz residue, to say he's the one who's above it all and invited Obama to do what McCain did.
But if anything can be done in a stumblefuck bad way, it's McCain's campaign. By putting the debate on the line, they pushed it too far. What might have appeared honorable now just looks like a pussy way out of being kicked in the balls by Obama on Friday in Mississippi. Obama, to his credit, didn't take the bait, but, really, in his press conference, he should have spanked McCain's saggy butt hard. At this point, McCain is like some bloody-thighed heroin addict crawling around in shit and garbage because he can't find anyone to give his pathetic ass a fix, the kind of scabby bitch you wouldn't let blow you, but you might say, "Hey, eat this bug and I'll give you a buck," and that motherfucker'd do it.
And, you know, it would have helped if McCain had actually suspended his campaign. But other than giving McCain a day off and pulling some ads, you can still contribute to the campaign and Palin is still skipping around the nation, acting like she understands shit.
3. Regarding Palin, that chick's a goddamn idiot. Watching her interview with Katie Couric, the Rude Pundit wanted to say, "Katie, tell her not to go full retard." But, of course, Palin can't help it. It's hilarious, like when you see a particularly spastic spider monkey leaping between trees and then it hits a branch that breaks and plunges into a crocodile-filled lake. Oh, nature is a bitch, innit?
When Couric asked Palin whatever the fuck John McCain has ever done about the banking industry and Palin answered, "He's also known as the maverick though, taking shots from his own party, and certainly taking shots from the other party. Trying to get people to understand what he's been talking about - the need to reform government" and, when pressed for actual, you know, things, "I'll try to find you some and I'll bring them to you," that wasn't just jumping the shark. That was fuckin' jumping Jaws 1 to 4.
4. The thing missing from Bush's speech and from most discussion here is who to blame. Not, as the President said, "the irresponsible actions of some." Not "predatory lenders." No. Give us fucking names. Sometimes the villagers need to know which castle to burn down.
1. Watching President Bush last night, the Rude Pundit finally figured out what really happened this past week. Bush had the drawn, pale look of a man who either just found out he was sentenced to ten years in a Turkish prison or just ran out of toilet paper while having burning diarrhea or, you know, both (god, that'd suck so bad). Here's why: he gambled that this collapse of the investment banks would hold off until he was out of office. And he lost.
No, the Rude Pundit has no evidence to back that up. Except that the warning signs have been there for over a year and that they knew it was coming at some point because the plan the administration released had been in the works. But the original bailout proposal was a contingency plan. That's why it was such a bullshit document. The hope was that the Jenga pieces would tilt and teeter but stay up for another four months, and then, adios, motherfuckers, enjoy the new depression.
If one was conspiracy-minded, one could say it's the perfect Rovean way to fuck over what has long-expected to be a winning Democratic candidate for president. You wanna set up, say, Jeb for 2012? Make Obama into Hoover. Instead, like a teenaged boy stumbling to get his ex-babysitter's bra off, the whole thing blew up prematurely. And thus instead of getting to do the fucking, Bush is just sticky with his own spooge.
2. And John McCain took some of it in his left eye yesterday, apparently. The Republican candidate's bullshit statement about suspending his campaign has to be the final self-degradation for anyone who still had any thought that this was an honorable or capable person.
For, see, McCain's self-righteous insertion of himself into the bailout process that was well underway was just a way to shiv Obama. Here's how this played out: Obama, in one of those charmingly rational but ultimately naive ways of his, reached out to McCain in the hopes of doing something truly bipartisan (even if it was nonsense that it would be "above politics") and release a perfectly innocuous joint statement saying, well, nothing really, but, still, it was something to do. So McCain's people decided there's no way that cocksucker Obama is gonna look all presidential and shit, so they dicked Obama around and then sent out McCain, left eye sagging with Bush jizz residue, to say he's the one who's above it all and invited Obama to do what McCain did.
But if anything can be done in a stumblefuck bad way, it's McCain's campaign. By putting the debate on the line, they pushed it too far. What might have appeared honorable now just looks like a pussy way out of being kicked in the balls by Obama on Friday in Mississippi. Obama, to his credit, didn't take the bait, but, really, in his press conference, he should have spanked McCain's saggy butt hard. At this point, McCain is like some bloody-thighed heroin addict crawling around in shit and garbage because he can't find anyone to give his pathetic ass a fix, the kind of scabby bitch you wouldn't let blow you, but you might say, "Hey, eat this bug and I'll give you a buck," and that motherfucker'd do it.
And, you know, it would have helped if McCain had actually suspended his campaign. But other than giving McCain a day off and pulling some ads, you can still contribute to the campaign and Palin is still skipping around the nation, acting like she understands shit.
3. Regarding Palin, that chick's a goddamn idiot. Watching her interview with Katie Couric, the Rude Pundit wanted to say, "Katie, tell her not to go full retard." But, of course, Palin can't help it. It's hilarious, like when you see a particularly spastic spider monkey leaping between trees and then it hits a branch that breaks and plunges into a crocodile-filled lake. Oh, nature is a bitch, innit?
When Couric asked Palin whatever the fuck John McCain has ever done about the banking industry and Palin answered, "He's also known as the maverick though, taking shots from his own party, and certainly taking shots from the other party. Trying to get people to understand what he's been talking about - the need to reform government" and, when pressed for actual, you know, things, "I'll try to find you some and I'll bring them to you," that wasn't just jumping the shark. That was fuckin' jumping Jaws 1 to 4.
4. The thing missing from Bush's speech and from most discussion here is who to blame. Not, as the President said, "the irresponsible actions of some." Not "predatory lenders." No. Give us fucking names. Sometimes the villagers need to know which castle to burn down.
Fifth Anniversary Reader Shakedown Spectacular, Day 3:
Oh, sweet readers, the economy may be teetering on the edge of a cliff like Wile E. Coyote awaiting his puffy doom on the desert floor far below, but your generosity to the Rude Pundit is sky high. He's feelin' the love like a young stud who finds an old queen to take care of him. And don't worry. The Rude Pundit gives reacharounds.
This being the end of five years of rude punditry, this ancient blog is having a fundraiser, with money going to equipment, books, internet connectivity, and tequila, lots of tequila. Donations big and small have come in, but let's keep this party going until Monday, the real and actual date of rude origin. Give out of love and desire, and give out of hate and vengeance. Press that Paypal button on the side or right here:
The Rude Pundit is also taking questions from readers, some of which he'll answer this afternoon. And he's kicking the podcasting into gear.
So here's today's audio funspot: the Rude Pundit talks to New York Times writer David Carr about the first day of the RNC. It's a couple of weeks old at this point, but somehow, Carr's remarks have become true again:
Oh, sweet readers, the economy may be teetering on the edge of a cliff like Wile E. Coyote awaiting his puffy doom on the desert floor far below, but your generosity to the Rude Pundit is sky high. He's feelin' the love like a young stud who finds an old queen to take care of him. And don't worry. The Rude Pundit gives reacharounds.
This being the end of five years of rude punditry, this ancient blog is having a fundraiser, with money going to equipment, books, internet connectivity, and tequila, lots of tequila. Donations big and small have come in, but let's keep this party going until Monday, the real and actual date of rude origin. Give out of love and desire, and give out of hate and vengeance. Press that Paypal button on the side or right here:
The Rude Pundit is also taking questions from readers, some of which he'll answer this afternoon. And he's kicking the podcasting into gear.
So here's today's audio funspot: the Rude Pundit talks to New York Times writer David Carr about the first day of the RNC. It's a couple of weeks old at this point, but somehow, Carr's remarks have become true again:
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Briefly: The President's Message on the Economy:
Man, there's been bloody-nosed cokeheads reading cue cards on Saturday Night Live who were more reassuring than President Bush tonight.
Goddamnit, Eliot Spitzer, why'd you have to haggle with a hooker when your country needed you so badly?
Man, there's been bloody-nosed cokeheads reading cue cards on Saturday Night Live who were more reassuring than President Bush tonight.
Goddamnit, Eliot Spitzer, why'd you have to haggle with a hooker when your country needed you so badly?
The Rude Pundit Answers Your Questions:
As part of his Fifth Anniversary Reader Shakedown Spectacular, the Rude Pundit is answering reader questions. Today's comes from longtime rude reader Daphne C:
"Why are you apparently so fond of sexual metaphors/similes/analogies? Ithink they work wondrously but I'm not sure I know why I think that. Why do you think they're so apt to compare to politics?"
Dearest Daphne, you think they work wondrously because when the Rude Pundit uses such an analogy, it sweeps you away into an incredible world of concupiscent possibilities, where the fucking can simply be the delicate tease of a cock rubbed against a cunt before gently, but firmly plunging in. Or where a Tom of Finland-looking motherfucker will fist your ass while wearing a spiked leather wrist band. Either way.
They work so well for politics because so much of sex is about who has power, who has control, who is giving it, who is taking it. Sometimes it's a socialist democracy, sometimes it's a fascist dictatorship, sometimes it's just tyranny of the titties. Wait...what did you ask?
As part of his Fifth Anniversary Reader Shakedown Spectacular, the Rude Pundit is answering reader questions. Today's comes from longtime rude reader Daphne C:
"Why are you apparently so fond of sexual metaphors/similes/analogies? Ithink they work wondrously but I'm not sure I know why I think that. Why do you think they're so apt to compare to politics?"
Dearest Daphne, you think they work wondrously because when the Rude Pundit uses such an analogy, it sweeps you away into an incredible world of concupiscent possibilities, where the fucking can simply be the delicate tease of a cock rubbed against a cunt before gently, but firmly plunging in. Or where a Tom of Finland-looking motherfucker will fist your ass while wearing a spiked leather wrist band. Either way.
They work so well for politics because so much of sex is about who has power, who has control, who is giving it, who is taking it. Sometimes it's a socialist democracy, sometimes it's a fascist dictatorship, sometimes it's just tyranny of the titties. Wait...what did you ask?
Photos That Make the Rude Pundit Want to Eat Caribou Eyeballs While Snorting Poppy Pollen:
There they are. Lambchop and Pinocchio, one with a hand shoved into her furry ass and the other who would fall to the ground in a heap if his strings were cut. Gams McGee and, apparently, Ben Kingsley only allowed 29 seconds of their meeting to be witnessed by a CNN producer. It was peep show politics - almost see some tit or pussy before the window shade comes down and you gotta pump more quarters into the machine.
Yeah, we all got quite the insight into how Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin would deal with foreign policy. It seemingly involves getting felt up by Henry Kissinger, seeing if being VP means one can get quality blow for Todd and Bristol from Colombian President Alvaro Uribe, and sharing a delicious danish with the President of Afgh- well, at least Kabul, Hamid Karzai.
And what did Palin talk about with Karzai in order to impress the country with her understanding of the crises afflicting Afghanistan? Karzai's son and how his name means "The Light of the House," to which Palin exclaimed, "Oh, nice." The media, which was so cute because it pretended to revolt against the ludicrous limitations that the McCain campaign was placing on it as regards McCain and Palin, was then shuffled to somewhere else to bide their time while, one might assume, Palin and Karzai sat awkwardly for a few minutes until it seemed long enough for the governor of Alaska to claim to have absorbed some kind of knowledge from Karzai.
Really, all that happened yesterday was part of Palin's makeover into the McCain campaign's whore. You see, as every skeevy brothel owner in Bangkok will tell you, you gotta fuck the whore into the girls you sell. So McCain invited Kissinger, Uribe, and Karzai to pop that Palin-foreign leader cherry. So fuckin' sweet when you get to be the first on top of a virgin. Holy shit, Kissinger must have found her asshole tight (for, indeed, a Republican rite of passage is to get your anus firmly fingered by Nixon's war criminal Secretary of State) as he talked about the endless projection of power, at any cost. How Uribe must have called her wet snatch part of the Coalition of the Willing. How Karzai must have begged her to use her mouth make his impotent cock hard.
Yes, McCain was pleased, even as his incompetent stumblefuck staff almost ruined the day by getting all aggro with the media. It takes time and a lot of fucking before a prostitute is good and ready to take on all the johns in the press.
You might be able to actually pity Palin if she wasn't such a pitiless figure herself. She should have said, "No" to McCain like most rational people without any goddamn experience would have done. Men and women have to know their limitations. And those who pretend to have none are the ones who are doomed to failure.
There they are. Lambchop and Pinocchio, one with a hand shoved into her furry ass and the other who would fall to the ground in a heap if his strings were cut. Gams McGee and, apparently, Ben Kingsley only allowed 29 seconds of their meeting to be witnessed by a CNN producer. It was peep show politics - almost see some tit or pussy before the window shade comes down and you gotta pump more quarters into the machine.
Yeah, we all got quite the insight into how Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin would deal with foreign policy. It seemingly involves getting felt up by Henry Kissinger, seeing if being VP means one can get quality blow for Todd and Bristol from Colombian President Alvaro Uribe, and sharing a delicious danish with the President of Afgh- well, at least Kabul, Hamid Karzai.
And what did Palin talk about with Karzai in order to impress the country with her understanding of the crises afflicting Afghanistan? Karzai's son and how his name means "The Light of the House," to which Palin exclaimed, "Oh, nice." The media, which was so cute because it pretended to revolt against the ludicrous limitations that the McCain campaign was placing on it as regards McCain and Palin, was then shuffled to somewhere else to bide their time while, one might assume, Palin and Karzai sat awkwardly for a few minutes until it seemed long enough for the governor of Alaska to claim to have absorbed some kind of knowledge from Karzai.
Really, all that happened yesterday was part of Palin's makeover into the McCain campaign's whore. You see, as every skeevy brothel owner in Bangkok will tell you, you gotta fuck the whore into the girls you sell. So McCain invited Kissinger, Uribe, and Karzai to pop that Palin-foreign leader cherry. So fuckin' sweet when you get to be the first on top of a virgin. Holy shit, Kissinger must have found her asshole tight (for, indeed, a Republican rite of passage is to get your anus firmly fingered by Nixon's war criminal Secretary of State) as he talked about the endless projection of power, at any cost. How Uribe must have called her wet snatch part of the Coalition of the Willing. How Karzai must have begged her to use her mouth make his impotent cock hard.
Yes, McCain was pleased, even as his incompetent stumblefuck staff almost ruined the day by getting all aggro with the media. It takes time and a lot of fucking before a prostitute is good and ready to take on all the johns in the press.
You might be able to actually pity Palin if she wasn't such a pitiless figure herself. She should have said, "No" to McCain like most rational people without any goddamn experience would have done. Men and women have to know their limitations. And those who pretend to have none are the ones who are doomed to failure.
Fifth Anniversary Reader Shakedown Spectacular, Day 2: Toss Some Change in the Hat:
Oh, people, people, don't crowd, there's plenty of room on the corner to hear that rude man tell everyone that it's all gloom and doom, motherfuckers, unless you take this world in your hands and mold that bastardly ball like it's Play-Doh and you're some kind of mad god with ADD.
It's been five years since the Rude Pundit rose out of the hinterlands of disempowered Idiot America to proclaim that the only way to take the country back is for rudeness to take its rightful place in the left wing. So, to celebrate, the Rude Pundit has put out the threadbare silk derby and asked for donations so he cna buy equipment, whiskey, and love, man, just love.
So far, people have contributed from Australia to Austin, in amounts surprisingly large and hearteningly small. Join the party by clicking on that Paypal link over there on the side, or right here:
And the Rude Pundit's taking your questions, about life, issues, the hotness of your favorite politician or media person, whatever. He'll start answering later today. You can send yours to "rudepundit(at)yahoo(dot)com".
Finally, this week, the Rude Pundit is featuring special tasty audio treats every day, part of the launch of the "where the fuck has it been?" podcasting he's been promising. Here's another clip from the Rude Pundit's March 29, 2008 show in Philadelphia. It's called "Naked World Leader House":
Note: A snail mail address will be up this week for Paypal haters.
Oh, people, people, don't crowd, there's plenty of room on the corner to hear that rude man tell everyone that it's all gloom and doom, motherfuckers, unless you take this world in your hands and mold that bastardly ball like it's Play-Doh and you're some kind of mad god with ADD.
It's been five years since the Rude Pundit rose out of the hinterlands of disempowered Idiot America to proclaim that the only way to take the country back is for rudeness to take its rightful place in the left wing. So, to celebrate, the Rude Pundit has put out the threadbare silk derby and asked for donations so he cna buy equipment, whiskey, and love, man, just love.
So far, people have contributed from Australia to Austin, in amounts surprisingly large and hearteningly small. Join the party by clicking on that Paypal link over there on the side, or right here:
And the Rude Pundit's taking your questions, about life, issues, the hotness of your favorite politician or media person, whatever. He'll start answering later today. You can send yours to "rudepundit(at)yahoo(dot)com".
Finally, this week, the Rude Pundit is featuring special tasty audio treats every day, part of the launch of the "where the fuck has it been?" podcasting he's been promising. Here's another clip from the Rude Pundit's March 29, 2008 show in Philadelphia. It's called "Naked World Leader House":
Note: A snail mail address will be up this week for Paypal haters.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
In Brief: Just Sayin'...:
You know, the Rude Pundit realizes there's only so many ways to describe a dire situation, but, really, and, c'mon, is it all not a variation on the same tune?
From the statement by President Bush on September 22, 2008 on the current economic crisis and the possible bailout: "Failure to act would have broad consequences far beyond Wall Street."
From Bush's speech explaining why he needed war authorization for Iraq, October 7, 2002: "Failure to act would embolden other tyrants, allow terrorists access to new weapons and new resources, and make blackmail a permanent feature of world events."
2008: "It would threaten small business owners and homeowners on Main Street."
2002: "He would be in a position to threaten America."
2008: "Americans are watching to see if Democrats and Republicans, the Congress and the White House, can come together to solve this problem with the urgency it warrants."
2002: "We have an urgent duty to prevent the worst from occurring."
It's all lessons from childhood: If you cry wolf often enough, you may just ignore it when that toothsome fucker is carrying away your infants and livestock. You say the sky is falling and it's not, then next time there better be clouds around your ass.
You know, the Rude Pundit realizes there's only so many ways to describe a dire situation, but, really, and, c'mon, is it all not a variation on the same tune?
From the statement by President Bush on September 22, 2008 on the current economic crisis and the possible bailout: "Failure to act would have broad consequences far beyond Wall Street."
From Bush's speech explaining why he needed war authorization for Iraq, October 7, 2002: "Failure to act would embolden other tyrants, allow terrorists access to new weapons and new resources, and make blackmail a permanent feature of world events."
2008: "It would threaten small business owners and homeowners on Main Street."
2002: "He would be in a position to threaten America."
2008: "Americans are watching to see if Democrats and Republicans, the Congress and the White House, can come together to solve this problem with the urgency it warrants."
2002: "We have an urgent duty to prevent the worst from occurring."
It's all lessons from childhood: If you cry wolf often enough, you may just ignore it when that toothsome fucker is carrying away your infants and livestock. You say the sky is falling and it's not, then next time there better be clouds around your ass.
Five Years of Rude Punditry: Toss Some Money into the Top Hat in Front of the Soap Box:
Jesus fuckin' Christ. Some days it's hard to be the crazy guy ranting on the corner that the world's a-gonna end.
Look over at that long ass list of archive dates over there. This week marks the end of five years of bloggery on this street corner. That's like 300 or so years in human terms. The Rude Pundit is slowly transforming this postage stamp of pavement into a multimedia atoll of rudeness, with the addition of video shit and with (at long last) Rude Pundit podcasts underway. He has other ideas (including a special feature starting this week), so he's doing one of his once or twice a year fundraising pushes.
Call this the Fifth Anniversary Reader Shakedown Spectacular. Or maybe a bailout. It's a little way to give some love. And it'll be a self-esteem boost, like getting it on with that 18 year-old who works at the front desk, if you think you're buying the Rude Pundit a beer or a fancy new MP3 recorder with two mikes instead of one (that's on the wish list).
Click on that Paypal thing over on the side there. Or right here:
And, it being a fifth anniversary, which is, you know, the one where you get wood, let's open this fucker up for questions, too. What do you want to know? Ask the Rude Pundit. He'll post the best queries with answers over the next week. You know the address: rudepundit(at)yahoo(dot)com (goddamn spambots).
And, hey, there'll be treats too. Like this one: it's from the RNC protest a couple of weeks ago, where the Rude Pundit met the Missile Dick Chicks.
Jesus fuckin' Christ. Some days it's hard to be the crazy guy ranting on the corner that the world's a-gonna end.
Look over at that long ass list of archive dates over there. This week marks the end of five years of bloggery on this street corner. That's like 300 or so years in human terms. The Rude Pundit is slowly transforming this postage stamp of pavement into a multimedia atoll of rudeness, with the addition of video shit and with (at long last) Rude Pundit podcasts underway. He has other ideas (including a special feature starting this week), so he's doing one of his once or twice a year fundraising pushes.
Call this the Fifth Anniversary Reader Shakedown Spectacular. Or maybe a bailout. It's a little way to give some love. And it'll be a self-esteem boost, like getting it on with that 18 year-old who works at the front desk, if you think you're buying the Rude Pundit a beer or a fancy new MP3 recorder with two mikes instead of one (that's on the wish list).
Click on that Paypal thing over on the side there. Or right here:
And, it being a fifth anniversary, which is, you know, the one where you get wood, let's open this fucker up for questions, too. What do you want to know? Ask the Rude Pundit. He'll post the best queries with answers over the next week. You know the address: rudepundit(at)yahoo(dot)com (goddamn spambots).
And, hey, there'll be treats too. Like this one: it's from the RNC protest a couple of weeks ago, where the Rude Pundit met the Missile Dick Chicks.
Monday, September 22, 2008
The Bailout Con Game:
The Rude Pundit is not going to pretend he knows the ins and outs of the economics behind the Wall Street apocalypse. But he does know crooks, clowns, and con artists, and this fucked-up bailout is rank with all three. It's a fuckin' grift. It's a goddamn fixed poker game where the buy-in is $700 billion, but the mob guys runnin' the table think you're stupid enough to hock everything to keep playing.
Why is the Rude Pundit so sure? The easy answer is because the Bush administration is jonesing for it like a broke junkie trying to convince his dealer to let him have one more fix. But, shit, why just say that when five minutes of research proves the point. From a press conference, July 27, 2007, when Tony Snow, currently starring in Hell in the hit show, Hey, Demons With Spur-Tipped Dicks, Let's Rape Tony Snow, was being questioned about the United States teetering on an economic bubble blowing up like a fart in a bathtub:
"Tony, there are chain-reaction effects to what's happening on the sub-prime market. We've got some of the biggest companies, like Bear Stearns and others, that are really facing a potential blowout. And these are firms that are too big to fail, as they used to say. And if something happens in that -- now people are talking about a credit crunch, talking about blowout in the markets -- as a chain reaction of the inflation, the loans in the housing markets can affect the entire system. Now, the President didn't cause that problem, but it's going to be on his plate, and it's going to be on his plate soon. And I'm sure there's some discussions going on with regard to that. And the question is, what is he prepared to do -- there are some things he can do."
In other words, "Financial Institution Collapses Determined to Strike in U.S." It's shit that was out there. That many, many were predicting. And the administration preached sunshine and rainbows. They fucking knew, just like they knew that Saddam Hussein had no WMDs.
Answered Snow, "It is important to realize that the President does believe in fiscal responsibility. He also believes in trying to keep the economy growing, so that people will have options and will have income streams and will have strong futures, and furthermore, that you've got a Treasury team that continues to look at these and many more issues to try to maintain the strength of the American economy. And despite the sort of cataclysmic scenario you've just laid out, we've just gotten a report that indicates that there's, in fact, extraordinary strength in the American economy." You lie so grossly when you know you're lying.
Remember the way a con works: you have to convince people that there's something they not only need, but that they need right now, something that if they miss out on, it will wreck their lives. You can only get this deal now. If you don't do it, you'll regret it. The world will fucking fall apart unless you pony up. It's the same whether you're callin' Granny for her savings or the American people for their Treasury.
When you tell a con artist to slow down for a minute so you can think, the grifter will just up the intensity. You gotta be willing to walk away from the deal. If Democrats don't look Henry Paulson and George W. Bush in the eye and say, "Go fuck yourselves" to the deal in its current form, we will be fucked by this for a generation. As William Greider puts it in The Nation, "Government can apply killer leverage to the financial players: accept our objectives and follow our instructions or you are left on your own--cut off from government lending spigots and ineligible for any direct assistance. If they decline to cooperate, the money guys are stuck with their own mess." But that's not what the Bush administration wants.
No, right there in Section 8 of the proposed bailout legislation is the fiduciary nut kick of a power grab: "Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are non-reviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law or any administrative agency." So the White House wants its Secretary to have total power over the funds, however much that ends up being. In other words, the White House wants to take the power of the purse away from Congress in this matter and center it in the executive branch.
How is this different from the other power grabs the administration has accomplished? At what point is this legislation, if passed in its current form, manipulated and legalesed into absurd over-reaches, like the Patriot Act or the authorization for the use of force against al-Qaeda?
No, bullshit. Fuck this. Something needs to be done, yes, but there needs to be hell to pay from the financial sector in the form of regulation. Wall Street should be littered with the corpses of financial "advisors" and executives leaping out of buildings to their deaths. But, alas, we no longer live in such honorable times.
The only good that can come from the whole situation is that this marks the gruesome death of economic Reaganism. Let's celebrate the end of that ideology by digging up his bones and tossing them into a volcano outside Paulson's office.
The Rude Pundit is not going to pretend he knows the ins and outs of the economics behind the Wall Street apocalypse. But he does know crooks, clowns, and con artists, and this fucked-up bailout is rank with all three. It's a fuckin' grift. It's a goddamn fixed poker game where the buy-in is $700 billion, but the mob guys runnin' the table think you're stupid enough to hock everything to keep playing.
Why is the Rude Pundit so sure? The easy answer is because the Bush administration is jonesing for it like a broke junkie trying to convince his dealer to let him have one more fix. But, shit, why just say that when five minutes of research proves the point. From a press conference, July 27, 2007, when Tony Snow, currently starring in Hell in the hit show, Hey, Demons With Spur-Tipped Dicks, Let's Rape Tony Snow, was being questioned about the United States teetering on an economic bubble blowing up like a fart in a bathtub:
"Tony, there are chain-reaction effects to what's happening on the sub-prime market. We've got some of the biggest companies, like Bear Stearns and others, that are really facing a potential blowout. And these are firms that are too big to fail, as they used to say. And if something happens in that -- now people are talking about a credit crunch, talking about blowout in the markets -- as a chain reaction of the inflation, the loans in the housing markets can affect the entire system. Now, the President didn't cause that problem, but it's going to be on his plate, and it's going to be on his plate soon. And I'm sure there's some discussions going on with regard to that. And the question is, what is he prepared to do -- there are some things he can do."
In other words, "Financial Institution Collapses Determined to Strike in U.S." It's shit that was out there. That many, many were predicting. And the administration preached sunshine and rainbows. They fucking knew, just like they knew that Saddam Hussein had no WMDs.
Answered Snow, "It is important to realize that the President does believe in fiscal responsibility. He also believes in trying to keep the economy growing, so that people will have options and will have income streams and will have strong futures, and furthermore, that you've got a Treasury team that continues to look at these and many more issues to try to maintain the strength of the American economy. And despite the sort of cataclysmic scenario you've just laid out, we've just gotten a report that indicates that there's, in fact, extraordinary strength in the American economy." You lie so grossly when you know you're lying.
Remember the way a con works: you have to convince people that there's something they not only need, but that they need right now, something that if they miss out on, it will wreck their lives. You can only get this deal now. If you don't do it, you'll regret it. The world will fucking fall apart unless you pony up. It's the same whether you're callin' Granny for her savings or the American people for their Treasury.
When you tell a con artist to slow down for a minute so you can think, the grifter will just up the intensity. You gotta be willing to walk away from the deal. If Democrats don't look Henry Paulson and George W. Bush in the eye and say, "Go fuck yourselves" to the deal in its current form, we will be fucked by this for a generation. As William Greider puts it in The Nation, "Government can apply killer leverage to the financial players: accept our objectives and follow our instructions or you are left on your own--cut off from government lending spigots and ineligible for any direct assistance. If they decline to cooperate, the money guys are stuck with their own mess." But that's not what the Bush administration wants.
No, right there in Section 8 of the proposed bailout legislation is the fiduciary nut kick of a power grab: "Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are non-reviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law or any administrative agency." So the White House wants its Secretary to have total power over the funds, however much that ends up being. In other words, the White House wants to take the power of the purse away from Congress in this matter and center it in the executive branch.
How is this different from the other power grabs the administration has accomplished? At what point is this legislation, if passed in its current form, manipulated and legalesed into absurd over-reaches, like the Patriot Act or the authorization for the use of force against al-Qaeda?
No, bullshit. Fuck this. Something needs to be done, yes, but there needs to be hell to pay from the financial sector in the form of regulation. Wall Street should be littered with the corpses of financial "advisors" and executives leaping out of buildings to their deaths. But, alas, we no longer live in such honorable times.
The only good that can come from the whole situation is that this marks the gruesome death of economic Reaganism. Let's celebrate the end of that ideology by digging up his bones and tossing them into a volcano outside Paulson's office.
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